Unsinkable

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Wanted to write a clever poem on cramps, but just totally didn't have the mood (or tolerance).

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I logged on to Friendster just now. And saw that Jen Yuh updated her profile. Damn! I miss that woman. Kinda sad to realise that the only photo I have of us is one we took before the release of O (!) levels results.

Char, me and Jen

Haha. Also don't know how come can just cry looking at her.. I think everyone with real, true friends will understand how a simple "Love you!" or "I'm always here for you!" in any lousy, old email can totally make your day.

Haha. I remember how you always scold me for playing in the rain on the way to the mrt station, and your usual "Are you not going to eat lunch again?" and subsequent "can you please remember to have lunch?!" when you went over to kiwiland.

It's kinda funny thinking back. How you kept thinking you were 14 and how I keep thinking I'm 13 because of our register numbers. How we got closer just because we sit one in front of the other during exams. How I started calling you auntie because Tan Cheng Wee was my daddy. Haha.

I mean, life is so amazing isn't it? Some shitty things came first, so I know how wonderful it is to have you, then shitty things that come later are not even shitty. New people come, some stay, some go. But this connection never weakens.

It sucks la. That the three of us only get to spend 4 hours together once every 2 years. But every 4 hours always seems to be the best 4 hours ever, and each time it seems to get better.

A lot of times, I feel I should give you more. So much more. For all that you have given me, the thousand and one times you really are always there for me. Haha. But you never need me to be there for you. And somehow, the best thing I can do for you is to be happy.

Haha. I promise I won't let you worry. I promise you that when you ask "How are you?", I'll tell you I'm very happy with my life and it will be the truth. I promise you I'll keep my promises. Haha. I don't have to promise to always be there for you, or to listen to you whenever you wanna talk. You know I will.

It seems so natural for us isn't it? The kind of "be there and listen" thing between friends.

Haha. I also don't know how to end this entry. Whatever la. Maybe it's a show of our never-ending friendship that a full-stop cannot deny. Haha. Friends to the end. (Even though there's no end.)

Our puzzle!

Yay! Our holiday puzzle is complete!! Hahaha. It's soooo cute! And Minghui is soooo tired after doing it. (She slept at 6am, woke up at 10am). BUT she said it wasn't because of the puzzle.

Ok. Minghui, I believe you. On the account that you are holding my photos for the SWOC website. Hehe.

And.... here's our puzzle!!

It's suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper cute! Argh. I feel like tickling them. Minghui liked the puzzle because 1. They're cute dogs and 2. She thinks the middle doggy looks like her. (Both have eye bags)

Haha. But I like the doggy on the right! It's got big eyes! And very playful. And very nice, curly fur.

This gets exciting..

I realised I should continue defending myself, and I'll start to see more angry comments about my blog. Hahaha. The fun begins!

Ok. Firstly, if Zhan Lun ever found my blog, Miss Leow is so sorry. I misread your goodwill friendster testimonial. Haha. Read too quickly. Didn't realise your happy christmas is not merry christmas. So sorry la.

Anyway, let's move on to the different names who seem really unhappy that I'm happy with my life. Guy says I am delusional because I want people to feel that way if they read my blog. Well, I said you're WRONG. And you went on to say my vocabulary is limited, and that you claim that I thought I was smart pinpointing him out.

Aiyo.. All wrong la. So ma lu.. you. I don't want people to feel pity for me after they read about how I think my dad isn't giving enough pocket money, nor would I want them to feel angry (at me or with me) because of what I said. This blog was created, never meant to be found. But I was dumb enough to use blogspot, and it spread like no one else's business. Maybe not in your world, but in mine.

My blog is my blog. What is said here, stays here. My life is a different thing. I can choose to bring my life in here, but what happens here does not go out. So I won't want people to have those feelings, neither would I want to beg for it. It stays here, man. People treat me as they do not know the contents of the blog. And they do.

Yeah well, my vocab is probably limited. I'm not any spelling bee whiz you know. But if I can still evoke emotions from you despite a narrow range of words, the writing has to be good somehow. And I didn't think I was smart for pinpointing him. For what?! I just believe that whatever you say, you should have the courage to put down your name wat.. So cowardly.. put down "guy", "stalker".. So when I thought you were my student, I put down your name for you lor. Just so sorry to my student that I misread his message. And I'm not too cowardly to admit I've made a mistake!

Ok, and stalker. Haha. Silly name. I didn't interrogate my student la. And you sound more ignorant than guy. Though you still sound like you debating yourself using two different names. You can claim that there are many out there willing to take the place of guy, and I can say that everyone you can find to put their name in the cbox, is just another name used by you. No proof man! Sad people..

Oh hey lost, I never wanted to be your model, or anyone's model per se. This blog is a place for me to shout out what I want, to no one in particular. Not for me to lead my life for other people to see.. So you shouldn't say that I am nothing you want to be after looking at my life through the blog. Very sad thing to do, you know. Because firstly, you really don't know how I am like in real life, my blog is not a true reflection of it, and secondly, you should lead your own life man. Why follow other people? And of course, how much of me do you understand after reading the blog?

p.s. After this post, I think people will start saying that I'm typing nonsense, I don't understand what I'm/they are saying. Haha. Bring it on people! Let the fun begin!!

A peek into a SWOC meeting

I know you wanna know. I know you SOOO wanna know. What goes on behind the door in the JCRC room in a SWOC meeting.

It's so exciting isn't it? 13 freshies locked inside a room with a director, and despite the full transparency of the room, you still do not know what goes on in there.

Do you wanna know? I can tell you.. (If you get me the Nokia N73 Music edition)

So.. read on! If you have the sincerity.

We had a 2-hour-turned-3.5-hour meeting on Friday, 22nd December. (I wanted to say yesterday, but I realised it's already 12.55 am, hence it's now officially Sunday.) And it's one of the best 3-hour meetings I've ever had. It felt nothing like 3.5-hours at all.

It was SUPER funny!

We had seven items on our agenda, and we were all expecting a long meeting already. BUT no one expected such a funny meeting. It was so funny, we had to control our laughter so that we wouldn't accidentally pee in our pants because we drank too much water and needed the toilet urgently but didn't want to miss out on anything.

It was only until a while later when (hero) Edward finally said he needed the toilet that we all realised 4 out of the 5 girls needed the loo, and the rest of the guys were just putting their army training into good use.

It was quite a good meeting actually. We still managed to get some work done, amid all the time we died laughing and resurrecting repeatedly.

(personal jokes will now take centre stage)
We managed to seriously talk about what is Sheares Hall to us, often going seriously back to the serious question "So what is Sheares Hall?" and people just died la. Hao Jie just totally collapsed onto the floor shake-ing for oxygen.

There were some irrelevant topics as well. Like brush(!)es, shine and shimmers, and BLEACH! Yuan Bin even got into a role-playing mood and started acting like Al (or however you spell it). And we came to an agreement that the male characters in Bleach (actually all anime for that matter) are very shuai (帅 not 衰).

And there was a lot of love in the meeting. Zaihao cooked tang yuan for all of us! And Hao Jie bought REALLY pretty cupcakes for everyone. It was sooooooooo pretty, it took us around 15 minutes to finally take a cupcake instead of photos. And Yuan Bin and Shixiu gave everyone chocolates with a very nice card design that they drew till 6 am in the morning.

couldn't get the cupcake to face the front, and me to look correct next to it.

A whole box of loveliness

tangyuan break

Till then! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Oh. And you've read the whole entry. Please remember the Nokia N73 Music Edition for my birthday.

And the rain comes fallin' fallin'

Whoa rain! My goodness. It's like totally one whole day, one whole night, and one whole morning. Even my non-aircon hostel room has turned air-con room. Couldn't believe when I woke up. Soo cold, you can keep your milk refrigerated on my table!

And it must rain just when I'm moving in. First trip to hall, rain. Trip back home for dinner, rain. Trip back to hall for the night, still rain (I was even walking in ankle deep water and trying to keep my slippers from coming off for the fourth time!). Next day, (it didn't even stop throughout the night) when I went home, RAIN. This one was damn incredible.

At the stretch of road at MacRitchie reservoir, it was FLOODED. Up to 90 cm deep. When the bus went down. Oh my goodness. How I wish the windows were ceiling-to-floor ones. I could have seen the water washing up against the bus la! And I was so stunned, I didn't even take photographs!

It was super amazing. The waves created by the bus were just like those at Sentosa when you're more than knee deep in the water, washing up to your waist at times. The people standing in the rain (workers and policemen) were either enjoying their time as heroes in the rain, or have found the perfect look to return those gaping stares from people in the vehicles.

When I went back to hall from home, STILL rain. But never mind! This time I was happy. Cos I was determined to take the a video of the little ride semi-underwater. But alas! The bus took a detour at the last minute. Bleah.

And I could only take pictures of the immense traffic jam along the detour.

I wonder what happens to those people waiting at the bus stops that the buses skipped though.. Hai.. poor things.. And they cannot call for cabs, since taxis won't really want to go there either..

THE Birthday Wish List

Here's my first annual Birthday Wish List! (first annual because this is the first time I'm doing this)

1. Nokia N73 Music Edition
pink if possible, but any colour is fine, as long as it's not all silver/grey
make sure the 1 GB memory card is there
and make sure it's the music edition
check it out if you're unsure.. http://www.nokia.com/nseries/index.html#product,n73_me

2. If a new handphone is all but possible, then a 1GB miniSD card will do
or (sigh!) a 128MB miniSD card

3. Piano score for "You Can't Say" from the Korean drama All About Eve
The last time I checked, the book with that music score is out of publication. So.. good luck!

4. Piano score for JJ's "冻结" and "一千年以后"
I've been hunting for them (with my spear and all) for a looooong time already.. Now I pass the responsibility to you. Ha!

5. Haha. I wanted to put down those downloadable games from the internet. Then I realised I
can grow tired of them quite easily as well.. So no point!

6. Oh! New shoes will be nice.. That one I'm easy. Just as long as IT LOOKS NICE!
I'm talking about track shoes by the way.. But if you want to give me other kinds of going-out shoes, I'm cool too.

7. Hm.. I'll fill in the rest later. When I think of more. Hehe.



So.. SAVE UP EVERYONE! It's still a while before April swings by!!

A message for my dear C.K.

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Thought of showing a photo of my tummy fats. But thought better of it. (Ok, heave your sigh of relief..)



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CK! Haiyo CK!!! I know my pimples are coming when they're coming out.. but you don't have to point them out to me EVERYTIME THEY COME OUT!! Oi! Very observant is it?? You think I don't know meh?? Arh bsh! Next time I have another pimple (choi!), DON'T bring it up! Or else.. I'll pull out your leg hair by hand! Bleah.


p.s. I was playing virtual villagers downloaded from bluemountain.com.. Usually the downloaded games could exceed the time limit and let us play as long as we want just as long as we don't exit the game. Tamade! All I did was to turn off the full screen and I CAN'T PLAY ANYMORE! sob..!

Oh well..

Ok.. Never mind the earlier complaints and what not. Yesterday my dad scolded my brother for withdrawing too much and not being able to account for it. Ok ok.. I know he lent some money to Mercy, and my mum, but oh well, he still spent unneccesarily (more unneccessarily than me) with a significant portion of it.

Argh!

Sometimes, I so totally feel that my parents never have the same expectations of my brother as they have of me.

I'm not allowed to be selfish, but he fucking is.

I'm not allowed to waste food, spend unneccessarily (like getting a drink during lunch!), have any extra luxuries (like buying something that costs $2.50 for lunch instead of $2!) BUT HE FUCKING CAN!!

I'm so fucking damn pissed now!

Hello! You've got TWO kids here!! Which one did you forget??

Screw that jackass brother!

From an entry with nothing to write

I'm finally at home! (Okok. I'm finally SPENDING TIME at home.) But I don't know what to write! Haha. Ok.. Let's see..

Ex-SWOC Treat's finally over. No more 12 - 2 am (total madness!) cheering and anthem sessions.

Done with the many socks, successfully distributed.

Socks socks socks!!

And Gilyn got ponded on her birthday. Along with Caroline as a side dish.

And the rest of us as dessert.

Where's Kim Seng??

With an additional Britney on the side

Argh. I so totally have a gut feeling it'll be my turn on my birthday. I JUST HOPE I won't get a triple ponding (SWOC, Block C and X-Men!). Just one from SWOC is enough. And pray I don't get my period on my birthday!!

Freedom!!

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Is Kim Yee Haun Korean?? I have been tricked by the entire level 6! Samson said he's from science and Yee Huan says he is Korean!! Bleah. 김 이 한 !

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Exams are finally over! And the world is finally big again! Haha. Everything I want to do all at once! Heh. One month to try it all out. Let's go!!

Suicide

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I finally got my bolster! Lalalalala. Hehe. And a teaspoon. And my cheque is on the way to the bank. And I FINALLY WENT HOME! Heh.

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So anyway. Suicide. Quite a taboo topic isn't it? And those who read this blog will probably start thinking I'm suicidal and everything. Heh. I'M NOT.

I used to think I was a pessimist for thinking about these kinda things. Death, pain, misery. Not just me, but my friends and family as well. (So sorry to drop it on you that I imagine you dying horribly this way.)

But then I realised, will a pessimist honestly think about these kind of stuff? They're usually not so far-sighted, aren't they? Pre-occupied about the present, worrying about the worst that will happen to them, and they'll definitely be unable to cope.

It is the optimist who will seriously consider death. Because only an optimist will be able to come to terms with death and misery. And hence, I conclude, I am an optimist. Ha!

I do not think that death is scary. Neither do I think that pain nor misery are. They (pain and misery) are horrible experiences, yes, but how much harm can it bring? Let's face it. They do more good than bad.

So anyway, back to my thing about suicide. I ever thought about it. (Ok duh. There wouldn't be this blog entry otherwise) My favourite way of suicide is carbon monoxide poisoning. It's painless, and since it's usually from the air-conditioning of a car, it's comfy! If I ever were to commit suicide, and I have a choice, I'd definitely choose a car (Lexus, BMW or Mercedes will do), turn on the air-conditioning, with my bolster, comforter and bear bear and go to sleep!

I have fears (I'm human after all). Fear of falling, fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of punishment, fear of being unable to escape... The list goes on. And dying through carbon monoxide poisoning (hehe!) circumvents all my fears.

I know that there are people in this world who are afraid of Death. But why? Because death makes you leave the ones you love behind? Because death strips you of all the things that means to you? Or because death stops everything you have going on in life?

But if you'll just think about it. As in, really think and consider about it, death gives meaning to life. Because life has to stop one day, so people will strive to make the most out of it Because life has an end road, that is why people don't want to let it go.

Life is a wonderful thing. The potentials are limitless. And death might seemingly remove these infinite possibilities achievable by Man. But if there was only life and no death, how much of these possibilities will even be achieved by us?

p.s. If you find this whole entry morbid, and my jokes just disgustingly dark, then you just haven't gotten to terms that everyone will die one day. That's ok. You might think I'm crazy for now. But how much of a smile do you want to wear on your deathbed? Be happy that you've reached your time to move on, or be sad because you want to hold on to all you've had in your life? The choice is yours.

p.p.s. I would have liked to talk about the pros and cons of different ways of suicide. Like jumping off a building didn't need money, since the buildings are there already, but the pain is probably HUMUNGOUS, compared to dying of carbon monoxide poisoning in a car.. But oh well. Went with the flow and this was where I ended up.

So.. Hope you enjoyed the story!

Bubble tea

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Don't you feel tempted to leave a comment after reading my blog? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE FEEL TEMPTED?? WHY??

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There's always something about bubble tea that makes me excited.. Literally. Maybe it's because I haven't drank milk tea in a long while. But after one full cup of bubble tea TODAY.

MY FINGERS STARTED TREMBLING!

Look at my shaky fingers.

Bleah. It's as though I've got cyanide poisoning or something.

But still, THANK YOU REMY for the bubble tea. We really appreciate it. Despite the quivering fingers.

Anyone wants to sponsor Starbucks coffee next time? I like Java Chip.

My rooftop

I WON THE BATTLE AGAINST THE FUNGUS!!! Hahahahaha!!! I'm so damn happy la!! That freaking fungus, won't die despite all the insecticide/fungicide. Then Ming Hui suggested a REALLY good idea the other time. Fire. Since it's so afraid of heat, dying when there is no sun.

And so, I went to the lounge, looking for a lighter, but leaving with the starter instead. Went up to the rooftop, filled up a pail of water just in case. And clicked the starter.

Poof! The fire came on. And I started burning the fungus. It didn't crinkle and shrivel like I expected but it cackled! I have no idea if it was the wood or the fungus. But it did turn black for a little bit..

But wth! It did not burn! Then I decided to try a method I've been thinking of for quite a while. SCRAPE IT OFF.

I grabbed a shovel sitting next to me, aligned it with the line of fungus and SLID the shovel along the wood. AND IT CAME OFF JUST LIKE THAT!

Rows and rows of fungus just peeling off so quickly. My goodness! It's an orgasm!!

I feel so satisfied as I looked at the pathetic fungus just lying on the floor helpless against my extermination. Especially those big clumps that could resist the fungicide. Just dropped useless on the floor. Shiok!

Then I saw the lighter lying by the side. And decided to kill off the roots as well. So I took the lighter and starter heating up the WOOD itself. Sayona-ra sucker! Hahaha.

Too bad I don't have photos to show you. Cos I think it's so freaking disgusting and irritating I didn't want to pollute my handphone. But if you could see the before and after effects.. You would feel my orgasm too.

Fwahahaha.

But here's a look at the aftermath.

The dark areas are where the fungus used to grow.

I tried to look for them on the floor. But they are (mocking sadness) no longer there. Hehehehe. Yes! Battle against the fungus. I WON.

But there are beautiful things on the rooftop as well. My hibiscus is blooming! And this other flower that I don't know what the name is.. But it's blooming too! So pretty!! We'll wait a while more, and see if the cactus will bloom too. Right now, its leaves are just in a super healthy state. Long and green, and not sagging.

And here's are my pretties!

Queen of photoshop

I AM THE QUEEN OF PHOTOSHOP! Nah. Actually I'm not. If I am, I wouldn't have had to stay up all night photoshopping furniture. Oh golly me! I still can't believe I really did that. Just in case some other people still our wonderful idea, I'll just show a glimpse of my photoshopping genius.

Look what I did to this bar counter:

www.bargizmos.co.uk

Tadda!!!

This one I'm most proud of..

www.luxurylivingchannel.com

The most amazing photoshopped work!!

I rock right?? Tell me tell me. I so totally rock right!! How to rotate the sofa around man?? How to remove the cushion and add in the planks? How to.. do this whole thing?? I am the QUEEN!

I so totally think that Adobe should sponsor me their latest version of Photoshop.. I'm still using a super old version. Darn.

Pirate ship

Tonghai came today!! I was soooooooooooo excited. I couldn't sleep last night. Although it was already 3.20 am. I couldn't get out of bed at 8 until I remembered Tonghai was coming. And immediately, I was energetic. After lecture, I came back to water the plants as usual. And waited for his sms.

But decided to take a nap until his sms came. I met him at the bus stop outside central library. I arrived from hall. The moment I got down the bus, I raaaaaaaaaaaan across the road, zipped in front of a taxi and raced up to him. With a gigantic smile on my face. He smiled back. (Though I'm not sure if that was laughing at me or just smiling back.)

Quite a waste that he has to go back immediately after lunch today. I would so happily spend two more hours with him. But oh well. At least he came.

Then I went back to hall to relax a while. Before going for tutorial. I was still smiling to myself while walking in. Then outside the classroom, I got a bomb.


I don't know what to think. I suddenly feel exploited. It's as though I'm expected to give, but forgotten when it's my time to take. I remember when I told her the news, she expected me to just give it up. She said "Can you like just tell them you don't want? Just don't take it up." I was shocked at her reply. I thought she'd at least support me or leave it for me to decide.

I don't know why she didn't think that if I didn't want, I wouldn't have gone for the interview.

I thought maybe she asked everyone else after lecture, but apparently, she had asked them yesterday. Dammit! It's so super cheated can?? Why didn't she include me in? She left so many questions dangling in the air. Is this how she plans things? People say she has potential, why can't I see any?

Or was I never meant to be included in the first place? She could have just asked, even if she knew I would say no. Why must I find it out from someone else? Someone else who includes. Someone else who congratulated me when she heard the news. Someone who said it was ok, and I should go for the bigger one. Someone who will answer all my questions!

Haiz. It's not that I mind learning it from this someone else. She is just as dear to me. But when she is not the person organising the whole thing.. It makes a lot of difference.

This is one of those feelings you get on the pirate ship. A huge sinking feeling in your stomach. From waaaay up high, to waaaaaay down low.

Tong Hai is coming...............!

Tong Hai is coming tomorrow!! Woo hoo!! I want to eat Yong Tau Foo!! Curry, with fat bee hoon. Hehe. So excited!

The exams are coming

*cue Paul Revere on horseback riding through the town shouting out his lungs "The exams are coming! The exams are coming!!!" And the exams appearing over the horizon, with their red uniforms and rifles... Ok. a bit too far. But point gotten.

Everyone's studying!

Some have even given up on fashion..

Darn. Words too small. They read PIGTAIL ALERT! if you don't have super-bionic eyes like mine.

The world now revolves around books. Let the fun begin!

I'm not poor

I've been having this bad habit. I keep saying I'm poor. Actually, not really. I just keep saying I don't have money. It's not true. Cos I realised I still get to stay in hall, (as nicely pointed out by someone). So I'm not poor! Yay!

I just have pocket money that covers my phone bills, transport, textbooks, and course packs. Groceries, meals and clothes aside. Money to go out and enjoy myself is definitely from my pocket money. That's taken for granted. Miscellaneous bits.. Too minor to ask for more.

But I'm not poor. I can still stay in hall.

My dad just thinks that I don't need so much money. $160 a month is more than enough for me. It's actually already more than what he intended for me. If I want to go on SEP, it's best if I find somebody to sponsor me. Like scholarships, or bursaries. Or I'll just pay for it partially, and he pays the rest, or I'll borrow from him first.

I'm not poor. I can stay in hall.

I'm really not poor. He is more generous than he was when we were still living in Eastern Lagoon.

I have enough to spend on food, as long as I don't spend more than $2 on a meal. Don't buy the more expensive food. Go for the cheapest. I have to have discipline, and not always eat the food I like. Don't buy drinks. Drink plain water. Bring water bottle. Don't buy snacks. Don't buy sweets. These luxury items waste unnecessary money.

I'm not poor. I can stay in hall.

We used to move from condo to condo. From Bayshore Park to Eastern Lagoon. From a one-storey rented condo to a penthouse. Even though the penthouse was very heavily discounted. That was before we finally moved to a HDB flat. But I could still have my own room. With my own computer, and my own laptop.

I'm not poor. I just have very little to spend.

As long as I can see things the way he does, I'll be able to see that I have more money to spend. I might even be able to start eating lunch more often. And not skip two days' lunch to eat something I like on one day.

If only exams weren't over. Then I would still be giving tuition. $200 more a month. Luckily Papa forgot I was giving tuition when he decided on my pocket money for me. I wonder how much he would have given me if he remembered, or if I reminded him. Haha. I can still remember that sudden stunned look when I said I was going to give tuition, just before I went out the other time.

I'm not poor. I can stay in hall.

Sick!

My nose is doing a marathon, I've got the tired rash, I'm sleepier than usual, and I can't think properly.

I am officially sick!

dammit..

K.O.

Reflections

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Tong Hai's so sweet! Hehe. I LOVE MY TONG HAI!!!!

Someone tell me why PSA Vista and NUS AS7 shows up on my phone before standby mode..

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Thinking back to the kind of guys I go for, past to present, and what people have been telling me, and how I feel, and what I think..

I think in the end, it was Tong Hai who put it through best..

喜欢他也因为当初喜欢他这个样子。不能因为我喜欢他而要他改。。

Yeah lor. Resign to fate ba.

A dream

Last night, I dreamt that I had $240 a month for pocket money.. PLEASE LET THAT HAPPEN!!

Rain as explained by me

When I was a kid, like around four or five, I used to think that it rained because people UP there were washing their hands. And the water that washed down the drain became rain down here.

They'll all be wise, old men, in long, white cloaks and long beards. Queueing to wash their hands at the sink of the guest room in my old house. Or at least a sink like the one in the guest room. Maroon red and classic.

I think these few days, their hands keep getting dirty. And the queue at the sink is getting longer. That would explain the longER and heaviER rains.

Hahaha. Imagine if I was somebody in some primitive mud-house civilization. I would have become chief priestess with that theory of mine!

Then.. I would make chocolate the holy drink, and holy sweet. Beansprouts, spring onions, parleys, all other yucky vegetables and yucky innards will be forbidden food. For they are unholy. Haha.

All bow in the presence of Grand Priestess Le Hia!!

Happy!!

Tong Hai came today!! Hehe.. He totally made me so happy. It's honestly a miracle, that just two lines from him can cheer me up entirely. For the many things I thank God for, he is one of my top few.

I thank God for my mother, for the person I love most, and giving me more love than anyone else in the world.

I thank God for the power of three, for seeing me through all times, and giving me strength to carry on.

I thank God for Tong Hai, for keeping my spirits high and mighty, and making all problems just another drizzle in the wind.

I thank God for my dearest papaya and watermelon, for giving me ground to stand, and wind to sail my ships.

I thank God for X Men, for endless support and infinite encouragement for whatever baton I choose to receive.

I thank God for Joy, Joyce and Minghui, for cups to pour my feelings into, and for filling me from their pitchers.

I thank God for restoring my faith in love and hope, and for another person to bring this stray lamb home.

I thank God for my life. That for every trial and tribulation, I shall learn something from it. That from every fall and challenge, I shall grow in my heart and soul. That for every tear I shed, I shall laugh a thousand times.

I thank God for the people who make these happen.

I thank God for Christ who made these happen.

I thank you Lord.

In the name of Christ the Lord I pray,

Amen.

你弄得我好累好累。。 Please tell me what I should do.

My thoughts now:

Grumble grumble

My ankle is getting worse.. Now I have something to distract me from my back. Dammit.

Nostalgia

Occasionally, on my playlist, JJ's songs from his latest album Cao Cao will play. Somehow, it will always immediately bring me back to the times just before I entered Swiss. The period after I collected my A level results. The time when I kept asking "What happened?"

Psychology calls it state-dependent learning or in a broader sense, encoding specificity. English has a different word for it: nostalgia. Everytime I listen to the songs, I certainly feel the whole surge of nostalgia. Wave after wave of it.

I don't know why I still refer it to nostalgia though. Since it's supposed to reminicse happy times.. I felt sadness. And I can still remember how heartbroken I was, and tear after tear that would not stop.

The memories are still so vivid. "What happened?"

Another week

Another week passes.. Should I go home? I don't know.. I only know I don't want to. help

This world is not what it seems

still water surging current
crouching tiger hidden dragon
candle light cloaked in darkness
urban city strange wilderness
three glasses of champagne twenty pints
raging water gentle rinse
calming silence deafening ears
spilt second two hundred years
tiny ant humungous strength
one centimeter infinite length
light as a feather enormous mass
rising sun set in the west
endless flow punctuated
bickering couples infatuated
empty glass filled to the brim
this world is not what it seems

My Home

Mirabelle changed her tuition (again) to Sunday (irritating!) and I made the last minute decision to stay over at home tonight instead. At 5 o' clock, I suddenly had the urge to see my mother. Albeit fuelled by flashes of someone asking me "Wouldn't my parents miss me?". I was in the middle of a webcast. But I wanted to see my mother.

That's enough. I stopped the webcast, packed up my stuff and headed home. Throughout the journey, I kept counting down the distance towards my home. Three more stops, two more stops, a few more blocks, one more block. Home.

Mum cooked my favourite xiao bai cai as I asked her to. And included a special vegetable tom yam Korean style. Dinner was fantastic. She was chatty as usual. Talking about what she bought, what my dad complained about what she bought, how she searched behind-the-scenes footages on YouTube of one of her favourite dramas, about the horrible attitude of my brother, about how my dad nearly hit her two weeks ago.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I came home last week and wanted really badly to indulge myself in my own fantasy world before I throw all fun into the air and started studying. You came in and I KNOW that you wanted to talk to me, as you always do, but I badly wanted to daydream. I KNOW you wanted to watch the show with me, and all the nice parts we both liked, but your presence made me conscious I was in reality.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I asked you to keep quiet and not talk so that I can continue in my fantasy world. You repeated twice that "Ok. I will not talk!" and you gave me a look that you will really try not to talk no matter how hard it would be. Just for me.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I find it harder and harder to come home every week. Consciously, because I love hall, and I have too many things there to stay home for too long a period of time. Subconsciously, because I didn't want to.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I find it easier to escape all these. I'm sorry that I chose the easier route. I'm sorry I cannot do anything. I'm sorry I cannot side you, because it will only make it harder for you to live with them. I'm sorry that I cannot help you, because you are the only one who can help yourself.

Ma, I'm sorry.

I love you and you remain the person I love most up till today. But if I'm only going to come home and listen to these stories.. Ma, I don't know how I'm going to come home.. Lihao complains to me as well. Papa doesn't. But things are very obvious when he gives me too much attention.

I ever thought of it. That maybe all these won't happen if I'm home more often. But I know they still will. I've seen it happen before I moved out. Lihao's complains are definitely not going to stop. And the quarrels between you and Papa late at night.. I wasn't asleep.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I don't have the courage to watch more cracks appear at home. I'm sorry I don't dare to face the time when you or Papa finally give up. I'm sorry I still love you too much. I'm sorry I still have so much hopes for this home.

Mummy, I'm so sorry..

Before and After

I was so cute wasn't I? Darn! What happened..

Gender Studies mid-sem lecture

If you guys think that NS was a terror, wait till you have cramps. Field camp is torturous, disgusting and primitive. I think cramps are torturous, disgusting and primitive too.

It's painful, you can't really stand up straight, and you have to act like the world is still a happy place. Hence it is torturous.

It's squishy, slimy, wet, cold if there's no skin contact for like one second, and you still need to walk as though there's nothing dripping out of you. Hence disgusting.

And it's been around since humans are offcially evolved as humans. So primitive.

BUT the difference is that we have it for a lifetime, save for 15 years, and you big, macho guys have it for TWO years. And decreasing. CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?! Girls go through a week of field camp every month for their lifetimes minus 15 years!!

Dammit. I hate cramps. Period.

Haiz

I must seem pretty mild nowadays.. Another friend commented that I "sounded really angry on my blog". And that what I said about Chris can be "quite disturbing".

I am/was. But with who, I don't know. I would like to think that I'm angry with Chris for being so dead rigid, and not listening that she's stifling herself in.. herself. But I think I might really be angry with myself. For not being able to accept Chris for who she is.

Girl, can you tell me what I should do? How was it that we were true friends in the past, yet reduced to mere acquaintances now? Did you change? Or did I? Or is this an inevitable road that we must both take?

What happened? That I now think that you are a person I should not have known deeeper? I am lost.. Help me.

Haha. Haiyo...

Just now, a friend called me. He asked about the Christina mentioned in the previous post. Haha. I wanted to add a postscript below the entry, but decided in the end that it'll destroy the effect.

For clarification's sake, Christina is someone I knew from NJ. Not any Christina I only knew in uni. It's kind of a common/not common name, since it's English. But no no, not any Christina I know from uni onwards only.

The one mentioned was someone I knew since J1. Different.

You make me despise you

The other day, I had the first session of RP. (Which reminds me, I'd better go check for new experiments soon.) And due to some administration cock-up, we were suddenly left with no space to sit, and a huge stack of questions to answer.

So, being the bai ka with the sleeveless tops, I chose to sit at a bench along one of the corridors. Coincidentally, it just happened to be near the admin block, and guess who walked by? Christina.

Honestly girl, it was quite ok seeing you. Although I was kinda startled, because I pretty much haven't seen people I previously know until you came by. UNTIL you said "Hey, what are you mugging?"

DAMN YOU WOMAN! I DON'T MUG!! I've been hating it when you use that word since NJ you know. Worse was during those teaching days. When we are marking, and YOU CHEER AND GO "YAY! MUGGING SESSION!" What are you? A moron?

Mugging is what YOU do. I STUDY. There's a difference. Mugging is what people like you do to get good grades. Studying is what people do, to LEARN. Why are you degrading yourself and the good name of education by mindlessly studying?

You make me despise you. You honestly do.

STUPID %@!#&^ CAST!!!

DAMN IT! I feel so damn uncomfortable! STUPID %@!#&^ CAST!!! What the hell!!! It's so bloody itchy and stuffy AND heavy!! One more day to go.. One more day to go!!!

My goodness!! I MUST resist the urge to manually remove the cast MYSELF!!

BLOCK C!!!!

IBG started like one week ago with the guys and Sepak Tekraw. Aiyo... Wrong strategy arh.. Ended up losing to both blocks. And basketball?!?! Alamak. Plundered, raped, and violated. Especially with Block E. (Dang! I hate that tall guy in white. Too tall. Too good.)

And then! It was the girls! With track on Wednesday. All surprises and delight! We got first! (Liz, I'm so proud of you!!!) For the girls only.. The guys.. Fourth.. Block C is really relying on girl power this year.

Next on Thursday, we have netball.. Just from training alone, I just knew we would win. And we did. Only block to have a lead against Block B early in the game. VERY intense fight. We won by two goals only..

But it was also on this fateful day.. That my leg spoilt. AIYO! Went to NUH to see some chao geng doctor. When he first took a look at my leg, he decided it was nothing serious and sent me for an x-ray just to make sure there was no fracture.

THEN when the x-ray results were out, he started checking my leg all over again. Before (acting) calmly telling me that there was a small crack in my leg. AND IT HAD TO BE IN A CAST! Whoa piang eh! My first thoughts flashed to SNDCC. JUNSHENG! I'M SO SORRY!

Doctor, can you please check it out? I think the crack is not in my leg. It's in the X-RAY lens! And I am so innocently stuck in a (stoopid $&#%&*@&#) cast!! Worst! My leg was in the post-netball state when they wrapped it up. Can you imagine the mangrove they'll uncover when they remove my cast on Thursday?! DISGUSTING!!

Sob.. Look at my big ti ka..

My ti ka watching TV..

Oh well. Enough lamenting. Netball was on Thursday. Friday was Handball. WE WON TOO! And there was hockey, where the boys, sorry, MEN finally got a gold for the block. Although the girls got a silver.. And there was a tie for one of the swimming events with Block B. We always seem to be at loggerheads with them don't we?

Whatever. May the best block (I hope it's us) win!

12 August 2006

That was the day. The day where all the preparation stood for. One month odd of sweat, bruises, knocks and hits. Fun, joy, laughter and a wee bit of tears. Oh what the heck. The whole truckload of emotions and practice all unleashed into one day.

RAG.

The day was hot alright. But not as bad as it could have been. Adranaline was really high. And I'm really thankful for that. The whole dance felt good. The night before. Between all and nothing, I chose all. The day itself. Nothing was left behind.

The feeling now is so surreal. I think I'll miss the dance studio. And the dance people. The crazy things the guys did. The funny things I saw. The amusement everyone got. Everything would have been another dream if I didn't have the shirt with "DANCER" embroidered on the sleeve.

We didn't win. And I cried. Not because we lost. I was already pretty overwhelmed by all the emotions before we even performed. So I shouldn't have been crying over our loss. I don't know. I can't explain myself also.

But after rag we had a final presentation to the backstage float people who couldn't watch our performance. Then some of us went down to the esplanade area to watch fireworks. It was really pretty and the whole experience was damn fun.

And there was this little discovery I made. Which made me feel quite dense.. Since all the things I've been observing didn't sink in until that day. Earlier today when I was thinking of it, I really felt like knocking myself on my head. HAIYO! Be more alert la.. See liao don't know how to evaluate meh? Blockhead..

One more day to rag...

Rag is just how many hours away.. And I'm left with 4 hours and 20 minutes of sleep and counting down. I always recall papaya and watermelon's attitude towards things. All or nothing. Tomorrow. I choose ALL.

[Ok. Bath break. Better blog and let my hair dry at the same time.]

While I was bathing I kept thinking of what Stewart told me. He said that I missed a beat and asked me to even cook something up on the spot but never look shocked. Ok that part was quite common sense. WE KNOW.

For that point, I thought he was talking about my gnomes part since I really missed the beat there. Then he said "It's very obvious. You were shocked then your hands went up." Ok... Hold it there. Which part of gnomes do my hands go up? Hey wait. That's the second set of stunts he's talking about!

Ta-ma-de kanina you asshole! I didn't miss the beat there ok!!! I was on time. What shocked?! Lousy la. I thought I really made a mistake subconsciously and you caught it. And all the while, you were just crapping.

Ok so sorry. I shall be more polite. Mr. Stewart sir, I have no idea what beat I missed and what shocked expression you were advising me about. Apparently, the beat I missed was not caught by your discerning eyes, but instead, you mistook my perfect timing for a skipped count.

I would like to apologise for your lack of healthy eyesight, but I am afraid I cannot. It is your fault after all. But I do agree with you that I should not make it obvious if I missed my steps. It's just that I already knew that long before you told me. You can count the mentioned period of time in years. Definitely not many compared to those that you've lived. I'm afraid I am less than half your age after all.

I would like to apologise though that I found your constructive advice highly insulting, rude and irritating. I heard from a passing remark that you are a million-dollar round table insurance agent. That is really very impressive sir. Especially with the way I imagine you pitching your sales.

Sir, although I am only less than half your age, I have some advice for you too. You can choose to read it in the same irritating way you gave me your precious advice earlier on, or you can just read it as per normal, which may be just as irritating as the way you speak. Do not pretend to know it all. DON'T. It's very obvious that you don't. It's VERY obvious.

I'm not trying to pressurise you. But it's very obvious that you really know nothing. And you're pretending to know everything. Maybe it's a requirement for being an insurance agent. First, to be nice and introduce yourself then bombard your victim with exaggerated facts of life. But sir, you are speaking to a junior. As a senior. Not as an insurance agent.

We can be your potential clients in future. But because I find you so irritating, rude and insulting, I think I will look for other agents to handle my policies. I regard them as more deserving recipients of the commissions from my premium payments.

Anyway, I've got to head for the bed now. I need my ample rest so that I will not appear shock to the audience tomorrow. Missed beat or not. Sir, perhaps, instead of resting so early, maybe you could take some time and ponder over the way you speak. I have boldly made the assumption that you have ample time on your hands since you have appeared quite frequently in Sheares. Please pardon me if I have made a mistake there.

Goodnight.

I got bitten

We went to shop for our dancing shoes today! But only the girls got ours. Cos the shop with that fierce aunty with the Malaysian accent with the attitude didn't sell wushu shoes for the guys. So only the girls got our pretty little pink ballet shoes.

The shoes are quite frictionless. Ruolin said Wenjie and I didn't have to ACT to fall. We just will. Oh oh. Never mind. It's a convincing act for rag. For the SHIELD. [I must be crazy.]

And the pretty shoes came in a pretty plastic bag!

I thought there was something vaguely familiar with the plastic bag when I first saw it, but I just couldn't put a finger to it. UNTIL... I reached home. And dug out my keys to open the door. Then (*cue Beethoven's Symphony No. 5) I saw my key chain. HAHAHA. That was where it was familiar!

After coming out of the Singapore Dance Ensemble building disappointed at the exorbidant prices for the wushu shoes, we went to kopitiam for lunch. Where en route I announced to the whole wide world who would listen that it was Sandra's birthday.

Now coming to think of it, MAYBE I was asking for it. We went to kopitiam where they smuggled a little cake in and lured Sandra away while they lit the candle. THEN when it was time to sing the birthday song and blow the candle, me, being the professional photographer I am, volunteered to take photographs for them.

After the first group photo (excluding me. obviously), Janice came round to where I was standing and insisted on seeing the photos I took, while I desperately held on to what little end of the camera strap I had.

Then Jackson came round too and volunteered to take while I go join the group. Obviously I resisted! And hung on to the strap for dear life. Then Janice said "Let go, or I'll bite you." Duh! Obviously I won't let go. She won't dare to actually chomp down on my cute little hands.

BUT SHE DID!!

I felt all 12 teeth sink into my [whatever part you call it] of my hand.

Now we all know. Janice bites. Ow.

Gnomes Ke-ma-ma!!

***************************************************

Last week, I saw my brother for the first time on Friday afternoon. This week, I saw my brother for the first time on Friday NIGHT. Next week, I think I'll see him for the first time the whole week on Saturday morning. Haiyo.

***************************************************

First week of full day dance practices. PENG! Thank goodness Janice is merciful enough to give enough time for afternoon naps. Janice wan sui!!!! [And Janice smses for an outing tomorrow. How coincidental.]

Gnomes are finally done! The whole choreographing and everything. SO COOL CAN?! Soldiers, fairies and soldier-fairies have their moves TAUGHT to them. WE come up with our own! On the spot (under the whip of our evil ringmistress). So clever.

But yesterday nearly killed me. The last two rehearsals took the cake. I just totally collapsed after each one. My legs just gave way. WHAT THE HELL!! Cannot even stand straight! My knees arh! From painful to numb to no longer there. Bleah.

And suddenly the length of the badminton court seems so LONG. I can never seem to reach Wenjie in time. We even cheated (much to her reluctance) and ran a shorter distance. But cannot reach in time leh! Next time, shorten the badminton court.

They must defend our country!!

*************************************************
I forgot to pass Chee Fung his present AGAIN. 1 month and 6 days after his birthday. Now it's really become resident evil on my floor.

*************************************************

Went out with my two precious today. Arrived there to watch the two of them play magic cards at Burger King. Wonderful.

I'm SO having the time of my life

Naughty boys. They didn't even answer me when I asked them if they were killing each other off one monster at a time or all at one go. I asked THRICE!! Their answer: SOON!!!

Rright. Soon enough. I was at Dhoby Ghaut at 12.00 sharp. And we left BK at.. 12.35! I amaze myself at times too. I actually sat there, watching two boys released from army hell playing with a bunch of cards I simply cannot comprehend for a good HALF AN HOUR!!!

Embrace our hearts. Rejoice!

Army continues to amaze me. One went in earlier because he failed NAPFA, and the other had the luxury of a month lesser cos he managed to get silver. But the one who failed, PASSED IPPT and went on to SISPEC (We pride. We lead. SISPEC!!). While the one with the glittering silver FAILED IPPT and is now learning how to shoot down pilots. (Airforce. Like nothing on Earth.)

My amazement does not stop there. Apparently army trains your tolerance to the extremes! It trains you to tolerate hardship, pain and sai kang. It puts you to the most extremes and all who come out are MEN. Made of steel. Nothing fazes them. Not even a crowded moving train with no empty seats.

Army. The Decisive Force.

Let's Dance!!

*******************************************

Note to self: DO NOT ever again attempt a workout while I'm still recovering. Half the workout is spent on stopping the nose from dripping.

*******************************************

Dance wasn't so bad. I wasn't tossed into the air. I didn't black out while dancing. Even the crunches were pretty much more tolerable. Thank goodness we didn't use THAT ten-minute song! Nigel didn't delete it la! Bad Nigel.

It was mainly cleaning up the finale steps with Janice-so Industrial Strength detergent. Extra power. Leaves no stains! And all for the price of a few hours every week day of your life!

Bleah. I want to oil my knees. When Janice-so cleans a spot, the correct move means my knees MUST hurt. Dammit. Oil my knees. Eat more Old Chang Kee.


Another wonderful thing that happened today. I saw my brother for the first time this week! So amazing. He walked in through the door. "Hello. [lagtime pause] Whoa! Long time no see!" And then I left the house 20 minutes after our chance encounter.

I'm grounding myself on Sunday. Oh damn. Going out with papaya and watermelon. Then Saturday. DOTZ. Tuition! I don't even have time to be sick of myself!! Hm.. Ok lor. Then I'll just have to continue loving myself. Like the narcissist I already am.

crunchED

*************************************
I finally satisfied my week-long craving for taiwan xiang chang! On the last day at the last few minutes of the pasar malam some more.. SATISFACTION!!

*************************************

Whoa. Today's dance session honestly wasn't as tekan as yesterday's. Yesterday's I could actually dance without blacked out. I couldn't see a thing. The music was just random noise. I was just moving like some dead clockwork.

BUT we had a freaking TEN MINUTE crunching session!! Oh my goodness! Nigel, PLEASE delete that song! Haiyo. Crazy la! Ten whole minutes leh!! When it was finally done, I turned around on my stomach and I just felt really really giddy.

My whole spatial sense was distorted, everyone was talking too loudly, and the whole room was GREEN. At this wonderful time, my lunch finally decided to migrate to my intestines! Lovely.

By the time I finally trudged to the toilet to see my lunch again, I only managed a pathetic spaghetti-flavoured burp.

Ok that's it! NO MORE LUNCH. It's just late dinner. TAHAN!! And Life Pak is here. Makes perfect sense to have dinner instead of lunch. Yuck! The feeling of scrunching your stomach knowing your lunch still sits in there is disgusting. Aack!

And since Edlina reminded me. We did stunts today! All girls are flyers. Hur hur. I just happen to be a HIGH flyer. What the hell!! I was actually looking DOWN on the exit sign! And the guy doesn't help slow down your fall. I was falling with the acceleration of gravity!

Two more seconds of that downward travelling and I'll be screaming my lungs out! And then cough them out on the floor. So scary la! Now why didn't I sit on the rides at Escape the last time I was there?! At least I wouldn't be so freaked out being thrown up now.

Then when I land. Haiyo! I'll lend on my feet, overbend and fall on my knees! Haiyo! My knees have like ZERO resistance like that. What is the problem with the two of you?! You have been giving me trouble since track and field days! Stop looking at me like that!

Bleah. 50 tuck jumps tomorrow morning. Cheong arh!

A Close

This shall be my last entry before I revert back to celebrity blogging. No more entries about NJPS. No more palace intrigue. No more cai bng uncle. All deleted. No more of the truest thoughts from me. About Miss Ma. About Chris. Deleted.

So much for a blog for me to shout out into nothingness. The girl still has to keep her feelings all bottled up. Things that the president could not say, could still not be said in what she thought was her personal space. She has none.

Haiz. [cute puffy white cloud thingy blowing out empty speech bubbles]

Through all these, the person who helped me most was Jackson. I really sat back and did nothing. And I thought it was only right that I let him know about THE phone call and what went on. I told him.

He could have just banged his head into the wall. He kept shaking his head. Kept saying I shouldn't have done it. It didn't affect me. Just made me smile uneasily at his discomfort. Then he said something that made ME want to bang MY head against the wall.

"Wendy (they all?) already like you, you know! Then you go personal and everything. I'm like your defense lawyer, and you just refuted everything I said!"

Or somewhere along that line.

Dammit! Seniors! Freak. Bloody. Shit. Asshole ME! I was so self-absorbed in spilling my thoughts and feelings out that I have forgetten about the seniors! Heck that this blog was never meant to be read.

After dance practice, I went with Jackson to KAP. While he was buying his food, I just sat there and thought of the seniors. Later I told him I felt like crying and I just did. There and then. Haha. Jackson, you're the first person to see me cry for the past two years.

Aiyo. Seniors arh seniors.. I remember being totally obsessed with seniors in secondary school. Because of all the protection and care you showered on me. That time, I just basked in it. I was a naive, innocent girl after all.

Then I became a bitch. Actually I was one all along. It just finally surfaced later on. All these kind of thoughts have been with me as far as I can remember.

Haiz. Haha. Jackson, I know what you told me. And I listened to every word of it. It was really what I needed to hear la. But just let me write these down. To put a closing chapter to this whole episode.

I cried because I really felt that I let you down. 我一切的一切。。我就是觉得我彻彻底底的辜负了你们。就像是你们对我的期望我各个认同，但到头来我还是一手把它们毁灭掉。I remember waking up this morning, just before I called a friend, thinking how I should go about thanking every senior who helped me. Should I do it personally? Or on this blog? Or send an sms? Give a treat?

I really really feel blessed. To have X Men, and to have all of you all helping this bitch get into Sheares. 我只是一个奸人。I'm nothing. Cheap dirt. But so many of you went out of your way to put in a good word for me. I really felt very blessed. I even felt undeserving. Though it's your right to choose who to help.

I created this space so that I could scream to no one. I didn't purposely hide it. But it was never meant to be found. And I blogged that way. It was still discovered in the end. And soon, more and more of you will find out.

I really don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I didn't change. I'm still Le Hia. Like how you know me. This is how I think when I'm alone. How ugly, how scheming, how conniving. Leow Le Hia. It's not that I want to hide this side of me from you. But it's better that you find it out in your own way at your own time, instead of an untimely discovery through whatwhosaid.

I'm sorry if I let you down. I didn't want to either. I'm sorry if you feel cheated. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry if you felt that you wasted your time. I'm really sorry..

I don't know how many seniors to thank. I don't know exactly who have argued for my case. I can only list those whom I know.

Heng Fai, Edlina, thank you SO much. I don't know what you said, but it obviously did quite a bit to help me. Jian Hui specially mentioned you.. You must have impressed him. Thank you.

Wendy, Chio, Zaihao.. I only know who you all are through dance practice. I don't know what I did to gain your favour. But I am really thankful for what you all did and said. It just meant a lot to me.

Desmond.. The Lord must have blessed me with you. I really don't know who you are. But what you said added quite a substantial bid for my case. Thank you. Thank you for helping this person you can easily ignore.

And Jackson. You were the only one I asked to help me get into hall. And you really went the extra mile to help me. You listened to me, you advised me, you told me so much that I would never have learnt by myself. Whether I get in eventually, these few life lessons in this short period of time, I owe it to you. Thank you.

I know there are many others who helped me.. Xuanjie, Candy.. I really appreciate it. I really do. Everything. Words, actions, efforts.. I am honestly grateful for it. Every sms you all sent me telling me not to worry about my application, I kept them. They meant a lot too.

I don't blame anyone for what happened. Really. Jian Hui, I never blamed you. Don't get the wrong idea. I am very clear that it was because of what I said. And because of who I am. Thinking back, perhaps what I shouldn't have done was to believe that my blog would never be found. The chances might have been remote, but they were not non-existent.

To those who supported the decision, no matter what I said or who you think I am, just know that SECC was successful. I wouldn't have changed my first choice from Eusoff to Sheares otherwise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back to celebrity blogging. No more posts about your period, Le Hia.

Startling Revelation

Fangyi told me something that stopped me in my tracks today. She said that some senior said something about my blog. Oh oh. Some one else knows my blog. There are more than three people in this world who knows about whatwhosaid. Shit.

Then I told her I only said that I thought what Jian Hui did was petty. She said "But you're appealing right? So that's not good." Freaking law student. She's damn right la! That's NOT good.

But on my journey home on the bus, I thought about it. Is it really not good? I contemplated coming back and removing all my name, and the entire entry about not getting into Sheares. But I'm Le Hia! I am not ashamed of who I am or what I said. I'm true to myself. I won't say what I don't mean.

And this is my blog. It's my personal space. Where I say what I want. Besides, when something like this happens, surely I get to feel indignant? I just suffered a bitch attack man!

Trackback to what I said about Jian Hui. Oops! I said that I was happy I offended him. Haha. Well. I was when I found out. Fate be it that I have to offend a senior. Then I'll rather it be no one else but him.

Trackback to what I said about not getting into Sheares. Oops! I showed my arrogance by claiming that I won't be stopped for long. No. This one. I'm serious. I will NOT be stopped for long. I went to SECC with eyes wide open. I got X-Men. And I fell in love with this group.

Yes, I'll say SECC is successful. It changed the mind of the stubbornest of the stubborn (aka ME) to change my first choice from Eusoff to Sheares. I want to stay in hall. That's for sure. But I don't want to stay in any other hall other than Sheares. Because of X-Men.

And I'll do all I can within my means to get in. I will not bitch. I will impress everyone being who I am and not get in because whoever stopped me isn't. I won't hide my flaws. I won't flaunt my virtues. I will just be myself. As I was in SECC.

For this wonderful senior who managed to find my blog. Cool. Not that I made efforts to hide it though. Just let this be my pitch to get into Sheares:

I define success as being able to earn five true friends in life. I look around me and count. I have exactly five. I didn't go out and look for them. I didn't work extra hard to earn their friendship. I did everyone did to form strong friendships: be myself.

I am a bitch. But yet I can still gain friends who are, much as I hate to admit, willing to die for me. (Nah. When the time comes, I'll make sure I die first) People who love me for who I am, and will go to great lengths to stop another tear from dropping.

We are not a bunch of showy people. Our birthday presents for each other never exceed five bucks. We never exchange Christmas presents, and festive greetings extend to SMSes at most. But they are never hesitant to prop me up when I'm falling down.

I am a bitch. How do I get these amazing people to stand by me? I just be myself. Leow Le Hia. I am not afriad to admit. First impressions of me are seldom good. And very often bad. As long as I don't make an effort to make someone like me, chances are, the first time he sees me, he won't.

Whatever you've heard or seen from me. How much of it is an accurate reflection of who I am? How well do you know me as a person to judge and decide if I am a person who will bring conflict and destruction to Sheares?

Every one of my five pillars are people I once worked with. If I am such the person you judged me to be, how is it that I am already successful at the age of 19?

The Leader Reflects

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Random

Just wiped my room floor. CLEAN. And scrubbed a spot on the kitchen floor. CLEAN. For that spot

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What Jian Hui did to me made me think about magnanimity. I imagined myself receiving a call from Shermin/Li Ang and hearing them sob over the phone to me about a member who said photographers were slackers.

And I thought of my response to that.

"Is it true? If it is, then do something. If it isn't, then ignore. We cannot control what others think about photog. That someone should think this way is unfortunate but inevitable. There's no use getting all upset over that comment."

Then I'll turn and look at Jian Hui dead in the eye.

"Much less take action against him. You as the president/vice president will only be showing off your pettiness when you do that."

Then I'll look away.

"How tiring it is to be a photographer we all know.. And how inexperienced and immature for that person to say that we are even clearer now. Don't let your tears fall over him. You are doing a fine job now. I have faith in that. Eventually, this person will take back his words and tell you in your face that PS is the best CCA in NJ. We all know that don't we?"



Because of Jian Hui's pettiness and abuse of power, it made me think of how important it is to be a magnanimous leader. Because the pettiness was against me. And I thought of how I would be such a better leader than him.

But when I think back to the times in NJ, perhaps I wasn't such a broad-minded leader after all. The ones who were really magnanimous are my darling papaya and watermelon. I was as much a petty asshole as Jian Hui.

Zhongxing aside. That one, we really had to outcast him. NO ONE could work harmoniously with him other than Wang Fang.

But what about Qian Xin? He showed me disprespect once, by thinking he was such a big shot. But he did apologise. On his own accord. Ok maybe he didn't think he was a big shot only once. There was also the time when he played with the safety light.

I remembered I personally stopped him from covering events myself using my power as president. I only remembered I got really pissed off with him. But I can't remember why. Or was the apology after that?

OH WHATEVER. It's over now. And he's doing fine in the Chen dynasty.

At least one really good thing came out of this episode. I am aware of my past narrow-mindedness. I am not ashame though. It's part of who I am. And fundamental to who I will be. But because I am aware, I am now conscious to avoid being narrow-minded in the future.

But then again, towards the later part of my term, I'd already learnt so much for my two darlings that I may have already 摆脱 (wait till I find the English word for that. Soon. It's at the tip of my tongue) my pettiness. Just that I only realised it now.

And I'd rather thank my papaya and watermelon for this change than Jian Hui. Not being petty. But he really does not deserve it.

History Flicks

I just watched the Epic of Xiao Zhuang. Another history flick. Crap! The thing about these shows is that no matter how you fantasize the ending should be, you're always shocked to the rude fact that it has already happened!

All the misery, and indignance may have been exaggerated. But whoever passed on, what event took place when, are just pure, hard truth. All raw and unprocessed.

Dammit! They just bring the misery back into the reality of life.

Let's stick to ficitious dramas instead. At least those leave room for imagination.

I don't want to be misunderstood..

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Random

I keep getting mysterious profile viewers on my Friendster account. Just before Sheares camp, I was dead certain I had 44 profile views. But two or three days after the camp, I started having SEVENTY-TWO profile views!!

I don't know who they are.. Everyone of them seems to be anonymous. Bleah.

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That aside. I want to join rag dance. I want to dance! I love the whole mechanism of rag!! All the cheonging, the slugging out TOGETHER, the intensity and the hot passion just flowing out. But one thing that Jackson said made me re-think my choice: joining rag will put you right on top of the waiting list.

I don't want to join rag because I want to climb up the waiting list!

It's just a lucky coincidence. And I want others to know that! I don't want them to think that I'm so into rag because I am desperate to get into hall!!

Never mind. Since when have I cared for what others thought anyway. They can say what they want. No wait. They can't. This is one of my beliefs that others CANNOT misunderstand.

But I can't change their thinking overnight either. Never mind. They'll find out sooner or later, what my true intentions are.

So it was YOU!

I finally got it out of Jackson! The senior I offended was Jian Hui! OH YES! Cheers and celebrations! I won a nail over that wimp. So he did stop me from entering Sheares. But obviously, he can't stop me for long. If you want to play the popularity game with me, we all know who the winner will be.

I asked Jackson what I did that made him so angry. He said that it was my remarks about Eusoff. And he also said that Christina got offended too. The thing about her, I still think it was a brainwashing effort by Jian Hui. (Sad he got the same name as Tan Jian Hui. The two of them are just worlds apart! Oh wait. The first Jian Hui I know is also changing into a Jian Hui I don't know.)

Then I remarked that they were really petty to block me from going in because all I said about Eusoff was "The draw to walk to school is too big to resist" Then Jackson said that it was politics. POLITICS!! It looked more like kindergarten kids hating each other because one said the other's nose was too big! It's so damn trivial can?!?!

I'm stumped.

Someone knock my head..

After hearing what Candy said about laptops and their batteries, I decided to detach my laptop battery whenever it's fully charged and I'm using AC power. Papa saw it and started giving me his comments. His always too many comments.

And I bloody commented that it felt as though a kindergarten kid was teaching a JC student how to do MATH! He kept quiet. No. He went SILENT! I felt like banging my head against the wall and sewing my two fat lips together.

You know how I always say I don't care what others think about me.. The fact is, I care and really care what others I care for think about me. Oh freak. This is not what they think about me. This is just what they freaking think! Damn it. At least, he appeared to be ok after that. WHY COULDN'T I SAY SECONDARY SCHOOL KID?! WHY THE HELL MUST I EXAGGERATE?!

I honestly don't care if it was that mysterious Sheares senior who felt insulted. THAT'S MY FATHER DAMMIT! And speaking of that Sheares senior. Hell yeah you bet I'm gonna work my way into Sheares and I'm so gonna freaking enjoy myself you feel like pulling out your hair over me. You think you can keep me out like this so easily? Don't forget. This is Le Hia you're dealing with here.

And she's gone..

This was a nick I wanted to put on msn.. But i didn't want others to think I'm some sicko les and start asking long questions and short.

Haiyo. I HAVE to fall sick on the last day of camp and come down with a stoopid temperature of 38.8 degrees. I can't even send Jen Yuh off.. I SO want to give her one last hug before she left. But I managed to call her. Told her "Be safe" and "I'll miss you". The genuine words I really meant.

Bon voyage.

I look forward to your return.