Pirate ship

Tonghai came today!! I was soooooooooooo excited. I couldn't sleep last night. Although it was already 3.20 am. I couldn't get out of bed at 8 until I remembered Tonghai was coming. And immediately, I was energetic. After lecture, I came back to water the plants as usual. And waited for his sms.

But decided to take a nap until his sms came. I met him at the bus stop outside central library. I arrived from hall. The moment I got down the bus, I raaaaaaaaaaaan across the road, zipped in front of a taxi and raced up to him. With a gigantic smile on my face. He smiled back. (Though I'm not sure if that was laughing at me or just smiling back.)

Quite a waste that he has to go back immediately after lunch today. I would so happily spend two more hours with him. But oh well. At least he came.

Then I went back to hall to relax a while. Before going for tutorial. I was still smiling to myself while walking in. Then outside the classroom, I got a bomb.


I don't know what to think. I suddenly feel exploited. It's as though I'm expected to give, but forgotten when it's my time to take. I remember when I told her the news, she expected me to just give it up. She said "Can you like just tell them you don't want? Just don't take it up." I was shocked at her reply. I thought she'd at least support me or leave it for me to decide.

I don't know why she didn't think that if I didn't want, I wouldn't have gone for the interview.

I thought maybe she asked everyone else after lecture, but apparently, she had asked them yesterday. Dammit! It's so super cheated can?? Why didn't she include me in? She left so many questions dangling in the air. Is this how she plans things? People say she has potential, why can't I see any?

Or was I never meant to be included in the first place? She could have just asked, even if she knew I would say no. Why must I find it out from someone else? Someone else who includes. Someone else who congratulated me when she heard the news. Someone who said it was ok, and I should go for the bigger one. Someone who will answer all my questions!

Haiz. It's not that I mind learning it from this someone else. She is just as dear to me. But when she is not the person organising the whole thing.. It makes a lot of difference.

This is one of those feelings you get on the pirate ship. A huge sinking feeling in your stomach. From waaaay up high, to waaaaaay down low.