Dear Jen Yuh..

I just woke up from some 5-hour nap after coming back from your house. It's so funny.. We didn't do much, didn't talk much either. Since you said I was the most updated one about your past year and a half. But it felt like the best sleepover I ever had. Your darling sister helped. Obviously.

Haha. When I told you about my little episode with Jiajun, you seemed so amused. And THE tai tai bitch Charlene just couldn't be sympathetic. Hahaha. I think that little scene there at the dining table in your house just totally showed our three different characteristics. The same three that I treasure so much.

I think I said it so many times you prolly can anticipate me and finish my sentence. I treasure the three of us A LOT. That's why I decided to go for YOUR party even though I had a fantastic barbeque going on. I just couldn't let that four hours we had together be the last in your trip back and cover for the next goodness-knows-how-many years.

Jen Yuh, I'm so glad you're back. You really don't know how happy I am to be able to see you in the flesh again. And I think you realised I kept poking you when I was talking to you. Haha. Had to make sure you were really back.

But.. at the same time.. I'm really sad and angry with myself that I cannot spend more time with you in your short break here. You definitely won't want me to skip my camp and forego my deposit just to go out with you. And you would not want me to not enjoy my camp for sure. I know you too well. All I can do is just wish that my camp was on another week instead of the two you were back. I missed you. Terribly.

You are my absolute pillar of strength. I just learn SO MUCH from you. And you just appearing online makes me scream for joy. Maybe you won't put first rain back in your nick again. But I think first cloud is going to stick with me for as long as I'll remember. To remind me of the times we had together and this unsinkable friendship we share.

Auntie, thank you for being who you are, and being there for me. I'll surely miss you terribly when you go back. But I promise you I'll be strong and live life to the fullest just like how you'll want me to. And I'll TRY to wait patiently for your next return. And promise to spend more time with you on your return.

Love,
Le Hia

Bleah me.

I am an ass.. I honestly am. Jiajun is like going all out to make me happy, but here I am INSISTING on wallowing in misery. I'm so sorry.. But I really can't help it. Jen Yuh is leaving NEXT FRIDAY. In other words, the minute I break from arts camp, I'll fly over to the airport to send her off in tears. Yes true, tomorrow I'll see her for the WHOLE night.. But I still can't shake off the dread of knowing how soon she'll leave.

I miss her..

I'm so sorry, Miss Ma. I'll make it up to you when I'm feeling better.

I feel so touched

Two, sorry three days ago, Monday, I went out with Jen Yuh and Charlene. Then found out that I bloody forgot about Jen Yuh's little party on Friday. Then found out worse, she was leaving the following Friday. Dammit. I couldn't let that pathetic four hours be the only time I spent with her after two freaking years. I made arrangements to rag and go for her party.

But I wasn't really stable. That night, when I reached home, I still felt sad.. There was still something stuck inside. But Jiajun was online. On the very verge of me about to confide in her, she said she wanted to go watch tv. But I asked her to stay. And she did. Then I told her. How sad I was. And I started crying. The tears just flowed down like no one's business. Cascading down my cheeks before being absorbed by my towel.

I think talking to her helped. I stopped crying much faster than I normally would. And I didn't feel that tinge of leftover sadness I would if I tried to suppress my tears. When I was certain I was really fine, I told her. And I said thank you.

Then two days ago, online, she asked me if I was okay. Not that she started the conversation or what, just during the process of talking itself. Then just yesterday night, like 2 hours ago to be exact, I asked her if she had the course or not. To see if we should cancel the outing. I was pretty much ready to cancel it already. Just tired of the lack of energy, enthusiasm, and the fact that getting this whole outing together is so bloody tiring.

When she didn't reply after half an hour, I talked to Veron. After like 15 minutes, she finally replied and we both agreed to cancel the whole thing. So I smsed Anna, then told Miss Ma that she didn't have to answer me already. The Thursday outing was cancelled. Sianz.

What I didn't expect was her to sms me. Jiajun actually replying an msn message with an sms!! How rare could it get.

"Hey Girl (haha she actually bothered), sorry was bathing just now. Dun feel sianz lah.. Tell u wad let's meet one day jus 2 of us!"

My reply: "Haha. No la. Not sian entirely because can't get everyone to go. Also because this whole week so busy.. So I want to rest at home lor."

Surprisingly.. She didn't stop there. She was sincere..

"Okie, we meet after ur camp next week kae! Muz hor! Before u start uni. Even if sat, ask papaya and watermelon get lost. Give miss ma a day. Hahaa.."

I feel so touched.

Is it because she ever felt so sad she could not spend enough time with her bestest best friend too? It doesn't matter. She's really going the distance to make me feel better. Love her for that.

Ultra-delayed pics

I shall once again.. try to upload the rest of the early morning (still) out photos

something's really nice.. I can't remember what

yum yum...

my obsession with sepia

the castle where sleeping beauty err.. sleeps.

just a little bit more....

I locked the sun out!

I honestly have a penchant for making him look good

lonely man on the hilltop?

...SUCCESS!!!

Tonghai

" Hey, suddenly feel that u are the only person who is really nice to me, except my family members.. So, THANK YOU!! Dont reply!" - Tonghai

Haha. Our friendship is only growing stronger.. Is that a good thing or bad thing? I am thankful that platonic friendships have officially been proven. But platonic friendships also become easily at risk with the addition of non-platonic relationships.

I treasure this friendship. But will I lose the courage to accept new relationships to protect this one? Strength be me to find out.

SECC 2006

Haha. Ok the whole thing was damn FUN. Best camp I've ever had. I just shouldn't have slept that half hour on the last morning. Stoopid mistake. Made me so tired and gave me a HUGE headache. The discomfort was so huge I just kept tearing, until I finally cried. But at least the crying drained away the headache.

But also cried because the whole thing was coming to an end. When I reached home and read their comments, I started crying again. Oh well.. Sheares going first choice seemed the right decision for sure now. Very cliche but oh well. X MEN ROCKS!!

Interesting observation

It's so amazing isn't it. NO MATTER how late I sign in, Jiajun wil ALWAYS ALWAYS sign in later than me. Even if I purposely waited till waaaaaaaaay past my normal signing in time. And she'll sign in like 3 minutes after I've signed in. It's as though she purposely appears offline or blocks me off until I come online than appear online after waiting for a moment. I look forward to the day when she actually sees "first_cloud has signed in".

Ah ma not happy..

Miss Ma seemed upset yesterday.. Maybe because it was her last day at NIE and she really loved the whole time there.

Last night, I was rambling off random stuff, and she didn't reply. Only occasional oks and stuff to not make her look like she's not listening. Then suddenly she said she's going offline. I think she either just blocked me off, or she went offline to cry. I don't know which. Either way, she just didn't really want to communicate.

What could I do man? Just act as though nothing happened and continue being chirpy. I honestly could have told her to cheer up and not be sad. But I didn't want to act as though I knew her very well. Cos obviously I don't. I can just read signs well that's all. And if she wanted me to know, she'll tell me. No point asking either.

Bleah. Ah ma, I hope you'll cheer up soon. Your smile will light up the days of more people than you know.

Some morbid fear

Damn it! I'm suddenly overcome with a morbid fear of losing Jun Zhan and Chee Fung. I don't know how the daydream started out as well..

Most likely my big stand-off with HIM at the carpark of Swiss Cottage. I have no idea why they are there, but either that, or some terrorist attack and they're deployed to bring down the situation.

Jun Zhan blocks a bullet for me. And he lies on the asphalt ground with his blood forming a pool beneath him and he takes short, sharp breaths and doesn't say anything, just looking at nothing in particular, but eyes fixed in a certain direction. I scream "No!" and rush to his side and promise him that he'll be alright, that he'll pull through.

And Chee Fung, in all his anger and rage for the terrorist, picks up a machine gun from the ground and charges at the smirking terrorist, only to have a bullet through his chest. I spin my head around in time only to see Chee Fung falling to the ground with his arms wide opened.

The impact of me losing two of my closest friends hit me straight hard, and causes me to lose my footing as I stumble and crawl towards Chee Fung. "Oh my god.. Not you too!" And I go over and hold his hand, as he tries to breathe and not choke from the blood pouring from his throat.

My sobs become bigger as I become more incoherent. My vision is blurred. And all I can think of is my two beloved friends, watching them slip away from my hands.

I lose my mind too. And picked up Chee Fung's gun and charged towards the terrorist, absorbing every shot he puts through me, feeling no pain in return. "Go to hell you son of a bitch!" And sent a single bullet boring through his brain. He falls back stunned. And my world blacks out.

I don't know what should happen to me after that. I don't know if I want to wake up, and face the deaths of the two people who made my happiest moments in life. But I also don't know if I want to just go and join them below or above. It's just cowardice of me. I feel so inclined towards the latter, but I'll be sacrificing the happiness of those around me for my own happiness.

I love to say that I live for me, myself and I. But I know the truth is that there are people out there who depend on me for lots of stuff. Just thinking about my family. Oh goodness. Let's not.

"Bless me with you ideas"

zeminith says:
bless me with your ideas :)

Hahaha. Oh my dear watermelon..