from dust to dust..

Today was the last day of the funeral. Lao ma was to be cremated at Mandai. Until today, I did not dare look at her body. But when 大姨姨 pulled me to the coffin and told me “去看lao ma 最后一面”, I just went along.

Standing next to her, looking down at her peaceful face, I just started crying. 大姨姨 stood behind us and said to lao ma in teochew “阿丽霞立豪来看你了。他们两个长大了。阿丽霞读大学了，立豪读高中了。阿嘛，你不用担心他们。你可以放心走。”

And a whole bunch of her great-grandchildren, 大姨姨 and 小姨姨 just stood around the coffin. The younger ones just stood there cos everyone else was. The older ones stood there, and mourned the loss of a very dearly loved one.

Lao gu could not even watch the coffin being covered. After looking at his mother for a good while, he went to the playground nearby and just squatted there crying. A grown man with grandchildren well into secondary school, crying so hard for the loss of his aged mother..

Lao ma has lost a lot of weight. Her thin frame lying in the coffin is a testimony of how age had taken its toll on her during this last few years. She could no longer count, she couldn't walk, and she didn't recognise people.

But everyone of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren never abandoned her. During Chinese New Year, when they visit, they'll walk right up to her and speak loudly in her ear, "Ah ma, xiao mei lai liao." or "Ah ma, wo si ah liang, wo lai toi li." And she'll give a little smile or an acknowledging nod, maybe reply a phrase or two.

Throughout the service at the crematorium, there were controlled sobs, sniffles and gasps. But when the service ended, and we proceeded to place a chrysanthemum and the pieces of cloths that we pinned on our right sleeve, 小姨姨 and 四姨姨 broke down again, and stood at the coffin, refusing to give up that one last look.

Then 大姨姨 broke down too, and the whole family gathered around lao ma, hanging on that one last look for as long as possible.

When the coffin was moved out of the service hall, we were brought to the viewing hall. Where lao ma's coffin was wheeled across the room below to be cremated. When the coffin went by, the full realization of losing my great grandmother hit me full blast. That I could no longer see her again, that her physical form would be reduced to dust.

That she will no longer sit around in the living room. That I will no longer be able to call lao ma for her to hear. That she has truly left us to be with God for good.

It was the worst experience ever in the viewing gallery. 四姨姨 was calling "ah ma!" repeatedly after her. "Ah ma! Kia hor!" 大姨姨 shouted to her that we all loved her forever. 三姨姨 lost control as the coffin was about to enter the next chamber, and shouted "ah ma!" after her. My mother was managing her sobs and just kept telling lao ma "ah ma, 珍重! ah ma, 珍重!"

I couldn't even speak. The tears kept flowing, the gasps unmanageable, the watery mucus uncontrollable.. Lao ma was really leaving us for good..

When we were ushered out of the viewing gallery to the waiting area, 四姨姨 and 小姨姨 and lao gu held on to lao ma's portrait and kept crying.

Later on, my mother made a statement I could only agree with. "Which grandmother has all her grandchildren loving her so much?"

Lao ma, (in teochew) 阿丽霞的潮州不好。不会什么讲。。今天你走了，但是我们一直会想你。你每次叫丽霞要好好读书，我会听你的。我会读书读好好。我也会看住立豪，好好教他做一个有出息的人。lao ma 以前很疼立豪，现在立豪长大了一定会做好人来的。。Lao ma 你真的安心去吧。从上面看着我们，等有一天我们一定上去陪你团聚。到那时候，阿丽霞一直都在想你。。

Last night, my great grandmother left us to be with God. She went peacefully in her sleep. No pain, no anguish.

When I received the message from my mother last night, I was quite taken aback. But I did not really come to grasp with the fact of losing a relative.

Earlier tonight, I went for the wake. I did not look at her. And my memory of her (obviously) won't fade because of that. How my lao ma looks, I will never forget.

I remember when I was young, I was taken care of by my lao kim. My mother called her ah kim. Haha. But I was too young at that time and did not know how to pronounce. And I ended up calling her ah mm. Lao ma wasn't a problem though.

I remember that ah mm will be my translator, and help me translate chinese words to teochew so that I could tell my lao ma. Or just tell her directly what I was trying to say. Haha. Very possibly, back then, my teochew was ten times stronger than it is now.

Lao ma is one hell of a strong woman. She was still doing housework at the age of eighty-five, eighty-six? Many times a day, she'll go down to the void deck, take a walk, chat with the other people there.

Then she suffered a stroke, and age seriously caught up on her. She became wheelchair-bound, didn't recognise people, couldn't count and was really frail.

There was once I remembered, though, warded in Alexandra Hospital after a fall, she started asking for me, and thought that one of her grandsons was my brother. When we went to visit her, however, she couldn't recognise us. Possibly cos she hadn't seen us for too long. We've grown too much to be the Lixia and Lihao she used to watch over.

Looking at the red eyes of my aunts and mother, I couldn't help but feel the urge to cry as well.

可是，要哭却哭不出。 要笑也不敢大笑。。

Everyone was trying to uplift the mood, and not show their grief, yet unwittingly being betrayed by their eyes..

She was a much larger part of their lives than mine, far more amazing to them than me. She was the one who brought them to the market, leading them across those huge drains that lay over the canals, did what she should, and guided them into becoming the people they are today.

An amazing woman that left us. She left with a peace that could only be because God called her to His side.

I just pray that God would grant peace too to the people she has left behind. To the people who love her so.

Chinese New Year 2007!

It's the year of the pig! Oink oink. Haha. Damn shiok. This year ang baos bumper harvest. That means.. I can get by without giving tuition! And just rely on two meals a day. Mwahahaha!!

祝大家猪年一帆风顺，事事顺利！

And better still, it more than made up for the excess money I spent on New Year clothes. I totally have no idea how I bought so many clothes this year, considering previous years finding ONE was a challenge itself already..

Pretty or not?

Shopping for clothes with my brother is fun. He'll choose clothes that I like, and decision to buy or leave is made within 3 seconds. Ha!

My brother kept asking me to wear that pink top since 除夕, which I finally did on the second day, cos he said it was a killer. Haha. Should have posed with a dao face instead hor?

We went to Bottle Tree Village on 除夕for reunion dinner. Oh. Haha. Realised I just forgot to take photos of the Bottle Tree in front. (I keep having the tendency to spell it as Bottled Tree)

And I got bitten by a spider! Darn.

Look how big the bite was!

I came to realise something.. As we grow older, the fun things to do get lesser. We used to be able to play anything and everything when we were kids. Now, we get SO TOTALLY bored, we are actually excited by Newton's Cradle!

Bored cousins playing with a man's cradle..

Oh. And we had five minutes of fun with Bridge before the adults came by and took over the table.

Hahaha. There was such a severe lack of entertainment that on the night of the second day, two of the families even bought chess sets to pass the time! It's like we have to make sure entertainment will be there instead of letting entertainment come when it should, which used to be the case when we were kids.

And we went to Uncle Matthew's on the third day! He proudly announced that it shall be a tradition we all go to his house on the third day, until someone remarked that it is only provided every 初三 is a public holiday.

Grace has really pretty dimples.. I want dimples too! She somehow reminds me of Mei Ting. I don't know why. But I think she is prettier and funnier to watch when she thought she got her way but didn't. (Those boo-boo moments if you get me)

A prayer for him

Argh. Tong Hai is sick.. Bleah.

Dear Lord,

As I close my eyes in prayer tonight, I ask for nothing but the well-being of Tong Hai. I pray that no bad will happen. That his fever will stop only at a fever. That no complications will arise. That You will watch over him, and lay Your protective hand over him.

Father, as he rests his body in this two days, I pray that he will be able to recover fully, and when he steps into the office again, he will be rejuvenated, and in the pinkest of health.

Father, I pray that nothing will happen to him.

Amen.


I wonder (for the upteeth time) about the possibilities of me and him getting together..

Festive season

Valentine's Day is coming. Haiz.

So is Chinese New Year. Yay.

Simply because I am me

You know how it is when there are things that people want you to do no matter what.. Like partly cos they need to get things done, and partly cos it's you. Sometimes, it sucks.

Boing boing p-phhhhhhtt.

What it takes to be me.

When the time comes..

Those around me know, and they know damn well that if they were ever to fall, I would rush up to catch them. And no matter if I'm the first or not, I'll make sure that they'll never touch the floor.

What if it's me? When I fall, will anyone catch me? Will they rush up, or it's just a convenient gesture? Will I touch the floor?

Haha. What kept superman going all these years??