My Home

Mirabelle changed her tuition (again) to Sunday (irritating!) and I made the last minute decision to stay over at home tonight instead. At 5 o' clock, I suddenly had the urge to see my mother. Albeit fuelled by flashes of someone asking me "Wouldn't my parents miss me?". I was in the middle of a webcast. But I wanted to see my mother.

That's enough. I stopped the webcast, packed up my stuff and headed home. Throughout the journey, I kept counting down the distance towards my home. Three more stops, two more stops, a few more blocks, one more block. Home.

Mum cooked my favourite xiao bai cai as I asked her to. And included a special vegetable tom yam Korean style. Dinner was fantastic. She was chatty as usual. Talking about what she bought, what my dad complained about what she bought, how she searched behind-the-scenes footages on YouTube of one of her favourite dramas, about the horrible attitude of my brother, about how my dad nearly hit her two weeks ago.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I came home last week and wanted really badly to indulge myself in my own fantasy world before I throw all fun into the air and started studying. You came in and I KNOW that you wanted to talk to me, as you always do, but I badly wanted to daydream. I KNOW you wanted to watch the show with me, and all the nice parts we both liked, but your presence made me conscious I was in reality.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I asked you to keep quiet and not talk so that I can continue in my fantasy world. You repeated twice that "Ok. I will not talk!" and you gave me a look that you will really try not to talk no matter how hard it would be. Just for me.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I find it harder and harder to come home every week. Consciously, because I love hall, and I have too many things there to stay home for too long a period of time. Subconsciously, because I didn't want to.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I find it easier to escape all these. I'm sorry that I chose the easier route. I'm sorry I cannot do anything. I'm sorry I cannot side you, because it will only make it harder for you to live with them. I'm sorry that I cannot help you, because you are the only one who can help yourself.

Ma, I'm sorry.

I love you and you remain the person I love most up till today. But if I'm only going to come home and listen to these stories.. Ma, I don't know how I'm going to come home.. Lihao complains to me as well. Papa doesn't. But things are very obvious when he gives me too much attention.

I ever thought of it. That maybe all these won't happen if I'm home more often. But I know they still will. I've seen it happen before I moved out. Lihao's complains are definitely not going to stop. And the quarrels between you and Papa late at night.. I wasn't asleep.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I don't have the courage to watch more cracks appear at home. I'm sorry I don't dare to face the time when you or Papa finally give up. I'm sorry I still love you too much. I'm sorry I still have so much hopes for this home.

Mummy, I'm so sorry..