stupid pessimism

Argh! I've got this stupid attitude going on.. GO AWAY!!! And for some weird reason I feel so pessimistic about getting another boyfriend. I know that there will be guys falling for me. But just how much will it take for me to fall in love again?!

you took my heart away. please.. give it back..

Early morning (still) out

lonely man climbing the stairs

cubism

window to the world

forgotten

big foot

alien talking to giant

Empty, quiet, still street.. peace

Reflections 1

Reflections 2

Window to a different world

Suntec City with all its glory


letter in the skies

graffiti (how do you spell it again?!)

look at that! (Nah.. there's nothing there.)

looks like the letter is longer than we thought..

rivals or partners?!

Late night out

I LOVE THOSE LATE NIGHTS OUT!!!

Chee Fung doing what he does best

the things i do to get the three of us in a photo

what to do? no choice ma..

capturing the MOMENT

fruit punchED

ok.. he actually looks HOT

covering our faces.. as do all photographers

didn't know he could be fierce huh?

yes. go ahead and pretend I'm not around

my first successful shot of myself

Rright

Rocks. Went out with Tonghai last night and got a pair of giordano jeans, a belt and a pair of slippers. There's something between me and boutique salesmen. The other time, I went to Baleno and got my red top, Rave appeared with his own unique way of picking me up.

Then yesterday, this Eric who only handled my payment, got my number from a lucky draw ticket that he claimed I was entitled to for spending above sixty bucks. [Is the lucky draw even real?!]

The thing is.. BOTH OF THEM ARE NOT CUTE!!

It's so sad really. Why can't the cute ones pick me up?? Rright. Cos they don't have to. Dang it. I'm not replying this Eric guy already. He's not even the cuter of the two salesmen.. He's the one I classify as total UN-cute the moment I see him.

Quoting Charlene. Too bad baby, you're the right kind of wrong.

Last Day In School

Today is my last day. (Finally?) So strange.. It was the clerk who told me when my last day should be, and me who told my H.O.D. that today would be my last day. While the rest had their H.O.D.s tell them when to come back, when not to and what to do. I feel so independent.

No special feelings whatsoever. Not elated, not sad.. I don't think I'll miss them. They got my email anyway. One of them even got my number. Soon.. I think I'll be giving away my number like some promotional gift. (darn! Someone teach me how to say no!)
















I should just live on this road right?

At least for one, I know I played the popularity game, and I played it well. Score score score. No problem. Now I just hope that whatever I did in those few weeks would be enough to inspire that 90% of their own efforts for their studies.

Sat the train with Veron to Toa Payoh today also.. Oh my goodness. Like so finally finally!! Someone with at least similar frequencies as me. But honestly, the more I look at her, the prettier I think she is. JC must have mellowed me.. My first impressions have never lasted more than 3 days since J1. Except on guys.

So That's Why

I found out why I was so angry and disappointed with Christina the last time round - she was doing everything a student didn't like about a student and she made it sound right. And I couldn't get it into her that the kids didn't like it. She just said "I don't care". Argh.

Back to Ground Zero

Charlene called during when I was giving tuition today. She told me she'll be going to NTU. That she did not get accepted into the double degree program. That she won't be staying with me in NUS hostel.

Suddenly, I feel so disheartened. P3 to P4, P6 to Sec 1, Sec 4 to J1 and now, J2 to uni, I fight my way in with a single sword and an open heart. I'm alone again. I look at all my friends, every single one I want to see again, head for NTU. Just like in JC. I see all those around me, everyone have their phone bills covered, and enough pocket money for lunch.

But when I look again with my eyes opened, I see Jen Yuh. She went to New Zealand, knowing not a single soul. She went on to university knowing not one person who will go with her. Her close mates move on to different universities and different CITIES. Here, they are still in the western part of Singapore.

I should feel lucky right? Yes I should. But I'm not now. Never mind. It's ok. I know myself. It may seem bleak now, but I'll rise to the top quickly again, as I did my whole life. And this time, I will find strength. Strength from Jen Yuh.

Thank you Auntie.

Random

I played the popularity game - SCORE.

Get me if you can

The end of a walk on fire, though no longer hot, remains painful as the walk is now on fresh, open wounds. This walk somehow seems different. The pain was only during the walk when the heat hurt the feet. But not wounds were open. No flesh was torn. And the walk on normal ground becomes comfortable. It becomes a pleasant surprise.

Did the feet grow accustomed to the heat of the fire that it no longer burnt? Or was the heat of the fire less intense this time round? Eventually, will the feet be able to withstand the hottest fires of all fires? Will the feet then feel uncomfortable when the walk on fire no longer feels hot? And yearn for the pain again?

Murky Waters

Everything seems to be going wrong. Everything else but me.

The school told us to come back on the 17th. Wednesday. To go through exam papers. After which, we were told that there would be post-exam activities. Anna and Deep thought that was lame and talked to their H.O.D. to be released. So at least they could find another job. And what post-exam activities did they have?! One day of games for the sec 1s to sec 3s. In the afternoon. a.k.a. Lessons as per normal.

Now who will cover Anna and Deep's lessons? We all don't know. Don't care. But man! What sort of planning is that?! Ok. Maybe we were wrong in presuming that post-exam activities would take up a week. But who would expect an AFTERNOON?! This school is going DOWN.

And mum's going through P.M.S. big time. There was this puny little drop of gravy that appeared from nowhere on her drawing. It wasn't even within the borders! And she was so upset and frustrated she cried! OH FOR GOODNESS' SAKE! Mother! Get a life! PLEASE! Stop venting it on us. Why do you think I'm always heading out of the house?! Freak. Now I better make sure I die before that happens to me. If it should happen to me.

And Jasmine emailed me the S.N.A.P. proposal. They planned lunch at 11 and 11.15 for the last two days. I told her it was too early. Lunch before an outing?! What if they puke?! Would they feel sleepy during the lesson after lunch?! What did she reply me? Oh great love of mother earth. She sent me a dollop of sarcasm. Asshole.

"Taking photographs after lunch can cause puking?? New things I learn everyday. And studies have shown that people tend to feel sleepy in the afternoon regardless of lunch."

Stupid woman. Listen. Without me, you won't be able to lift your head high in the school ok? I built an empire strong and mighty. Hell yeah I didn't put you in the royal family. You'll destroy my work with just your bare hands.

I'm not going back for S.N.A.P. that's for sure. My words won't be heard. With this sort of chairperson. And Jun Zhan and Chee Fung won't be with me. I would have given you my own arsenal of cynism for you to sizzle in if not for Shermin. You are not worth souring the relationships of these two batches over. You are just a pathetic black sheep among a wonderful flock.

I hate this! Tides swirling everything around me into a murky whirlpool. But even if I have both feet firmly planted on the ground, I have to turn with the torrents to follow my world. Suck.

When my best friend crushes on my younger brother

Charlene is such a wonderful friend. Just remembering that I was very sian the whole week, she kept her promise to go out with me, even though it was one week later cos she was sick the previous week.

So we went to Causeway Point yesterday. Ate at Ichiban Sushi which had a menu with the exact same dishes in the exact same order as Fiesta Sushi. Weirdly enough. She is still all over her Jackie. The hearts can literally be seen over her head already..

But in between being smitten by Jackie, she still remembered her old crush. My baby brother.





















What's so attractive about him?!

She suggested going out with him and me. Then I (very stupidly) said, "If you really want, we can go watch Over The Hedge. He's been trying to find people to watch that." Oh my goodness. The whole time we were browsing in Espirit (which was quite a while), she was trying to get me to agree, and I was trying to avoid agreeing.

When I finally got her to start on Jackie all over again while sharing a cup of ice blended Creamy Cookies at Cavana Chicken, I started to feel sleepy and kept yawning at her. But it wasn't because she was boring..

We left at (a very early time of) around 8.. And we met Jeremy Teo on the train. Goodness! He's FAIR!! The exact complexion of Fann Wong. And he was carrying a bouquet of roses. Said it was for his mum for Mother's Day.. Everybody now. Awww....

At the MRT station, 73 came nicely as we got out. In between rushed goodbyes, and "I love you muacks!" Char still managed to squeeze in a "Remember Over The Hedge arh!". Haha. Oh dear. Lucky thing for now, my brother doesn't have a chance with Emily.

Below the limit

Today is Monday.. Should be the day Miss Ma comes back from Hong Kong. Assuming so, since she said she'll be there for the weekend. Freak. I sound like I'm obsessed with her. Well.. Maybe I am. But I bloody want her dimples too! Gimme gimme gimme. And I'll leave her alone.

I wonder if plastic surgery covers creating dimples.

I remember once. only ONCE. When I was playing some game I downloaded from the internet. Mystery Case Files: Hunstville I think. She said HEY. I only found out MUCH later when I got out of my full screen to see whoever said anything to me on MSN. A single reply yes? from me marked the end of our miserable conversation.

SOUR. Just when she starts the chat, I'm not around to reply quick enough. I made it a point to start the chat thereafter. I told myself that I have to get what I want myself. Although I must admit, I seemed to have annoyed her on quite a few occasions.. But I'll never know what she thinks. Though she MIGHT know what I think..

Considering that there are people who know about whatwhosaid, although I'm still assuming that they think my blog has shut down..

These few days.. Occasionally, I try to come online LATE. So that she can see me coming online. I think it only happened once.. But she didn't say hi. Other times, no matter late I come online, she's always later than me. Man! How does she do that?! Unless.. With my wonderful imagination again.. She appears offline purposely to do her stuff. When I come online, or when she realised I'm online, she changes her status to see if I have anything to tell her.

I wonder if she blocked me when she appears offline.. But I've seen her appear offline on her laptop back when we were at swiss.. But still, she could have blocked off this pesky little girl who irritates her on MSN all the time. Hur. Whatever. She can deal with me however she wants. I'm the one irritating her anyway.

HELP!!!

Freak. I'm going mad. MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD.. My house is making me crazy.. And I'm freaking bloody thinking of Miss Ma all the time! What the hell!! She is SO much the elder sister I've wanted all my life. [Now why must I be the oldest kid??] But it's so funny thinking about it.. She is the younger kid in HER family.

I feel so compelled to tell her stuff. To let her know more about ME. Like. Jie! You know what?! That whosoever nearly made me puke blood for real this time!! Like couple of days ago, when I was so pissed off with Christina, and I wanted to see blood. I SO badly wanted to see blood. Lots of it spilling all over the place. But I can't see others' blood. I can't bear to, and I won't let others get hurt.
















Tonghai was online. [He's always there when I need him] I told him. I told him I wanted to see blood. I told him I wanted to cut myself. And I was so angry. I was huffing and puffing and my eyes were tearing. And I really thought of cutting myself. Then Tonghai just typed "LEHIA!" I ignored. I continued typing. With tears still welling up. [Though none flowed out]

Then he said, "kk.. just don't think about it. But don't say silly things like hurting yourself."

"I will hate you if you do that."

I kept staring at that line. I don't think I will ever forget it. I just kept staring at that line. I didn't know how to react. I so much wanted to ask him to go ahead and hate me. But that is really the last thing I want to happen. But I still wanted to cut myself.. In the end, I just signed out without replying.

I love Tonghai. I really love him for saying that. Even when later in the evening I told him my [lack of] reaction, I still cried [with real tears flowing out this time] when I thought about that sentence.. I want to tell people about that line. I've told Charlene. But as usual, she told me that I should consider him as my boyfriend.

I know that cannot and will not happen. We made a promise not to like each other. Only then can this friendshp be everlasting. I still can't imagine him as my boyfriend either..

I want to tell other people. But who else can I tell? The only person I can think of is Miss Ma. But she's away in Hong Kong.. Will I get to tell her afterall? Maybe. Maybe not.

Come to think of it, I find myself too scheming.. I found out she was flying off to Hong Kong for the weekend through an "accidental" sms. I was seething! But I was also very very heartbroken. I wanted to let her know.. But as with Miss Ng, much as I wanted to let them know about how I felt, I was also afraid that they will worry over me.. Maybe that's why I have to plant an accidental sms..


Uncanny coincidence. She said the exact same words as Tonghai.. Asked me not to think too much and asked me to take care. Tonghai said I should introduce the two of them since they both said the same things. Until he found out Jiajun will be turning 23 this year.

Letting my imagination run wild.. I wonder if Jiajun and Tonghai actually do become together.. What will become of us? I wonder wonder wonder..

I think it was yesterday.. I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show in the morning (I know.. Lucky me for having the time.) It was the 20th Anniversary episode. And she was following up on some momentous episodes of the past 20 years.

And there was this brave mother who got breast cancer, but could not bear to leave her daughter behind without tell her all the things she wanted to say. So she recorded over a hundred video tapes of advice for her daughter in different phases of her life.



It was touching. Which story isn't? And so, I cried. But I did not just cry. I cried AND cried. In between my tears and sobs, I started thinking.. Am I crying because of the story, or because I'm just looking for an excuse to cry? But strange. My depression period was over.

I shall not answer that question. No one shall. It will stay an unanswered question.

Last night was election night. Though excited over the results, especially since my area is under Lee Hsien Loong and it's being contested, I still had the urge to go online. So.. In comes my handy laptop! It was a very good thing I did.

Miss Ma came online, and we had an honestly good chat. It wasn't stagnant, it was witty (at least that's what I think) and I enjoyed it. Even better, I now know if she is a person I can go to when the time comes for me to make THE decision.

During the chat, she said, "cos i am big sis". It was honestly so hilarious. I read that line the exact second Diana Ser said on telly "...and that was the Da Jie from Hougang..." But I gave her a new name too.. Ma Jie Jie. So cool right? It even ties in with her initials.

And I finally had my Starbucks "Rhumba" today. And realised the powerful advertising vehicle that is MSN at the same time. Funny Rhumba is not on the menu at every outlet. So I ordered a Java Chip Frap which had a similar description to Rhumba, just that it came in Tall as well.

SADNESS! Coffee no longer works on me.. I fell asleep on the couch after dinner still in my jeans. Darn! There goes a wakening pill.

Friendship vs Relationship

These two days I've been thinking (again).. About my close friends, and my good friends, and my best friends. And a would-be boyfriend. It's probably in my character or personality that I really enjoy going out with boys. Tong Hai is one of my best friends. And the number one person I go to when I'm in tears. Jun Zhan and Chee Fung are really nice people to hang out with. And it's pretty often that only the three of us are out together.

Of course there's Jen Yuh, but she's awaaaaaaaaaaay in New Zealand. And Charlene. But she's more of a person for troubles than tears.. There are also times when I'd rather talk to people I'm not exactly close to, but still feel something for them. Like all my Miss Ngs, Miss Chens and Miss Mas.. But these people are girls. There will be no problem keeping my friendships with them while still having a boyfriend.

What about Tonghai, Junzhan and Cheefung? I so really treasure them that I don't think I'll be prepared to let them go to be with my boyfriend. I'll have to give up my swimming sessions with Tonghai, the times we go out together, just the two of us, the times I do mad things Junzhan and Cheefung, like staying out all night and not going home..

But at the same time, I want someone to hug me and hold me, and take my hand like it's the most precious thing in the world.. Will he be someone with instant chemistry? A person I'll be able to maintain the chemistry with even after we go together? I must learn not to be an entirely different person when I'm in a relationship, but keep the spontanety and chemistry of the earlier friendship.



I want our relationship to be fun, and romantic. But how do I ensure that? How will I know the relationship will turn out as I want it that sacrificing my friendships with Tonghai, Cheefung and Junzhan will be worth it? And how will I know that in this next relationship I will not be taken advantage of, as I had been before? How will I know it won't be another mistake?

I imagine myself telling all these troubles to Jiajun.. And I predicted her telling me that I think too much. But am I really thinking too much? These questions will definitely resurface again.. And it'll be quite soon.. Will I finally be ready to love a second guy? The second person to make me crazy over him?

I once told Tonghai that we'll never be able to go out like how we are now once he gets a girlfriend and I get a boyfriend. And he replied that it doesn't depend on him. It depends on me.. So how long we can continue being such good friends will depend entirely on me and when I decide to get a boyfriend.

When the time comes for me to make a decision, I know I will still be at a lost. Between choosing a person I love and choosing the friends I love.. In the end, I might still end up going to Miss Chen, or maybe Jiajun for help. I know what Charlene will tell me, I know what Tonghai will say.. So I might as well not ask them.. Will Miss Ma be the correct person to go to? I don't even know her past.. But who am I to judge if she is the one to ask? Oh right. Cos I'm the one getting the help.

Miss Ma? Miss Chen? We'll see when the time comes.

Ok. This is my blog. So I get to say what I want right? Right. You disagree, you're wrong.

So, basically, I know that I am where I am now, not by my own efforts alone. There's talent too. That's given by my parents. BUT very important, there is also opportunity. Say what you want, but this can only be given by God.

Here was what happened:

This job that I've just left, I'd actually got it without going through any proper channel at all. I did not write in, I did not send in a resume, I even turned up for the interview in casual wear.

Today is my last day. But two weeks ago, my friend rang me up and asked me to join her relief teaching. I couldn't join her in time. Then on Monday, I saw a missed call and quickly after, a message from her, telling me the HOD at that school might be ringing anytime.

Eventually, I called back the school [using the office phone] while the boss was out. And I managed to set a date with the teacher to meet up on Friday. Quote: "So let's meet up this Friday, with the other teacher to tell you what are the requirements needed." [Tell me. Haven't I gotten the job?]

That was on Monday. And I called at around 2.40.

That night. I called Christina, and I was just saying how lucky I was, that I got the first job without first sending in a resume, and now how I got this without even registering with MOE.

Then, she screamed. "What?!?! You didn't register?!?!?!"

Shit.

I went online to register immediately, and made up speeches in my head on the 1001 ways to break it to the teacher.

Today, Tuesday. I rang up the school 4-5 times. About 45 minutes interval in between. Engaged, no answer, no answer, not in the office, might have left / in a meeting.

Oh no. Made back-up plans. Write an email. Realised from Christina I didn't know her maiden name or the one she used for her moe account. So got a favour from Christina [who else?] to leave her a note.

Went to MOE website to check application status. Logged in 8 times. EVERYTIME it was an invalid password. My mother came in. "You key in wrong password la! You see! They put here type in your DDMMYYYY."

Oops!

Retype. Got in!

HA HA HA HA!! Approved!

Now tell me. The whole episode. Wasn't it a godsend?

[The food chem option we all begrudgingly took in J2 turned out to be a BIG plus point]

For those who hadn't known yet, I had eczema. Quite serious for a period too.. Forming an entirely new layer on my face. And of all places!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!

And for those who still haven't known, which is like all the people I know minus five of them, including family, I had yucky, eewy, rashes all over my body, EXCLUDING MY FACE [heng! heng! heng!] for two consecutive nights in the past week.

Anyway, on the second night, the rashes [aka huang mo] got so bad, I looked as though my natural skin colour was red with small yellow/beige/I-don't-know-what-you-call-skin-coloured patches. So we went to see the doctor. At 12.40 am.

And I came back with 2 sets of pills - 1 for inflammation/antibiotics and the other for itch - and a bottle of Calamine. [Thank God for whoever invented that thing!]

Anyway, the medicine the doctor prescribed, coupled with the dietary supplements I've been taking to curb and slowly remove my eczema were long lost siblings or something. They actually worked hand in hand to RAPIDLY remove my eczema.

This morning, essentially the third day I've been taking the medicine, I woke up with such joy!! My face was so smooth I kept touching it. It's not totally gone, but I know it will. And it'll go faster than I expected too!! Cheers and celebrations!!!

Hehehehe. Happy happy.

"*Bloody Shitty Company, Good Afternoon." [dull, male voice]

"Hi, good afternoon! I would just like to check with you, is Miss Chriss Cross X still your HR Manager?" [perky, cheerful me]

"No." [deadpan]

"No? Then can I have the name of the new HR Manager please?" [sweet and cute]

"We don't have a HR Manager." [obviously lying]

"Oh. Then who can I address HR issues to?" [sincere]

"What is this for?"

"Oh. We are basically a HR Consulting firm and we would like to send some HR materials over."

"You can just send it to our MD."

"Can I have his name please?"

"Just put MD. No name." [What am I? An idiot?!]

"Is it possibly..."

"No." [Asshole! He cut me off like that ok!!]

"Oh. Then.."

"Ok. Bye."

*Click [Asshoe! He hung up on ME!]

Smelly ah peh! He is SO rude! Say I'm stereotyping whatever. I may only be able to tell he's male, but he's SO DARN A SMELLY AH PEH!!!!!

I have such a good mind to mail that company and complain my ass off about THE SMELLY AH PEH. But I decided not to spend that pathetic amount on such an idiot. Yeah. Quite sad. They don't even have a website.

I HATE SMELLY AH PEHS!!!!! Argh.

*******************************************

And results are coming out NEXT WEDNESDAY!! How soon can that be?! I was just thinking about two days of total freedom before I get back my results. Sigh. So many possibilities. What would I do? How will I react? Will I get what I want? Will I get what I worked for??

Don't know. I REFUSE to think about it now. The Lord will watch over me. That whatever the outcome, I will be able to take it in my stride.

Of all the terrorists I know of, I've never seen one as fearful as the one I met today. THE AUNTIE TERRORIST! She is so freaky, you'll get nightmares if you dream of her.

Ok. How I met her. I was at the bank cashing in some money (not to my account. hai~), when the TERRORIST AUNTIE.. appeared. Actually she was there all the while, just that she suddenly became noticeable.

Unable to handle all her threatening demands, the meek teller forwarded her to her supervisor, THE PREGNANT BOSS. Strong and confident, she marched in, as her subordinates all look at her in awe. And then. She stopped. Nah, she wasn't about to give birth. The counter was empty, that's all.

The TERRORIST AUNTIE saw her chance and scurried over to THE PREGNANT BOSS. Face to face, with intense eyes, the two matriachs look ready to unleash their maternal fury onto each other. But they didn't. Duh. They were in a public place aka bank.

[I blinked, so I didn't know how it started] The TERRORIST AUNTIE whipped out her weapon and shoved it in the face of THE PREGNANT BOSS, and began her barrage of unending AUNTIE MANDARIN.

[That all happened while I was still in the queue and about 10 metres away from the TERRORIST AUNTIE. So I couldn't hear much. But, as luck would have it, I was served by a teller at the counter next to the battlefield!]

“就算别人拿了你的 i/c, 我们也不会让他提钱的。 因为照片不同。 拿到了你的i/c也没用！” THE PREGNANT BOSS defended the attack.

“我这些钱已经没有了..... 是发展银行的人..... 政府..... 李光耀..... 是你们的人.....” The TERRORIST AUNTIE continued her relentlessly bombarding, hoping to bring down that single defense.

But THE PREGNANT BOSS would not allow herself to fall siege! She stood firm. Baby and all. Her defense was rock solid! A modern day Iron Curtain! Unmovable. Un-drawable!

The TERRORIST AUNTIE quickly assessed the situation and came up with a new strategy. “好！今天二十一号我有来。 你帮我担保我有来。”

But NO! THE PREGNANT BOSS will not allow herself to fall into this little trick. “我不能帮你担保什么。”

The TERRORIST AUNTIE realised she attacked an impregnable fortress, but she would not let it go without a warning. One that sent a chill down the spines of everyone who heard it. “你给我小心点！(now read it slower, deliberately articulating each word) 你给我小心一点...”

[The trailing part was just because I was done with my transaction and I had to go. But JUST before I left...]

THE PREGNANT BOSS found even a retort to this bone-chilling sentence. “小心什么？” And she gave a calm, hair-raising chuckle.