Friendship vs Relationship

These two days I've been thinking (again).. About my close friends, and my good friends, and my best friends. And a would-be boyfriend. It's probably in my character or personality that I really enjoy going out with boys. Tong Hai is one of my best friends. And the number one person I go to when I'm in tears. Jun Zhan and Chee Fung are really nice people to hang out with. And it's pretty often that only the three of us are out together.

Of course there's Jen Yuh, but she's awaaaaaaaaaaay in New Zealand. And Charlene. But she's more of a person for troubles than tears.. There are also times when I'd rather talk to people I'm not exactly close to, but still feel something for them. Like all my Miss Ngs, Miss Chens and Miss Mas.. But these people are girls. There will be no problem keeping my friendships with them while still having a boyfriend.

What about Tonghai, Junzhan and Cheefung? I so really treasure them that I don't think I'll be prepared to let them go to be with my boyfriend. I'll have to give up my swimming sessions with Tonghai, the times we go out together, just the two of us, the times I do mad things Junzhan and Cheefung, like staying out all night and not going home..

But at the same time, I want someone to hug me and hold me, and take my hand like it's the most precious thing in the world.. Will he be someone with instant chemistry? A person I'll be able to maintain the chemistry with even after we go together? I must learn not to be an entirely different person when I'm in a relationship, but keep the spontanety and chemistry of the earlier friendship.



I want our relationship to be fun, and romantic. But how do I ensure that? How will I know the relationship will turn out as I want it that sacrificing my friendships with Tonghai, Cheefung and Junzhan will be worth it? And how will I know that in this next relationship I will not be taken advantage of, as I had been before? How will I know it won't be another mistake?

I imagine myself telling all these troubles to Jiajun.. And I predicted her telling me that I think too much. But am I really thinking too much? These questions will definitely resurface again.. And it'll be quite soon.. Will I finally be ready to love a second guy? The second person to make me crazy over him?

I once told Tonghai that we'll never be able to go out like how we are now once he gets a girlfriend and I get a boyfriend. And he replied that it doesn't depend on him. It depends on me.. So how long we can continue being such good friends will depend entirely on me and when I decide to get a boyfriend.

When the time comes for me to make a decision, I know I will still be at a lost. Between choosing a person I love and choosing the friends I love.. In the end, I might still end up going to Miss Chen, or maybe Jiajun for help. I know what Charlene will tell me, I know what Tonghai will say.. So I might as well not ask them.. Will Miss Ma be the correct person to go to? I don't even know her past.. But who am I to judge if she is the one to ask? Oh right. Cos I'm the one getting the help.

Miss Ma? Miss Chen? We'll see when the time comes.