HELP!!!

Freak. I'm going mad. MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD.. My house is making me crazy.. And I'm freaking bloody thinking of Miss Ma all the time! What the hell!! She is SO much the elder sister I've wanted all my life. [Now why must I be the oldest kid??] But it's so funny thinking about it.. She is the younger kid in HER family.

I feel so compelled to tell her stuff. To let her know more about ME. Like. Jie! You know what?! That whosoever nearly made me puke blood for real this time!! Like couple of days ago, when I was so pissed off with Christina, and I wanted to see blood. I SO badly wanted to see blood. Lots of it spilling all over the place. But I can't see others' blood. I can't bear to, and I won't let others get hurt.
















Tonghai was online. [He's always there when I need him] I told him. I told him I wanted to see blood. I told him I wanted to cut myself. And I was so angry. I was huffing and puffing and my eyes were tearing. And I really thought of cutting myself. Then Tonghai just typed "LEHIA!" I ignored. I continued typing. With tears still welling up. [Though none flowed out]

Then he said, "kk.. just don't think about it. But don't say silly things like hurting yourself."

"I will hate you if you do that."

I kept staring at that line. I don't think I will ever forget it. I just kept staring at that line. I didn't know how to react. I so much wanted to ask him to go ahead and hate me. But that is really the last thing I want to happen. But I still wanted to cut myself.. In the end, I just signed out without replying.

I love Tonghai. I really love him for saying that. Even when later in the evening I told him my [lack of] reaction, I still cried [with real tears flowing out this time] when I thought about that sentence.. I want to tell people about that line. I've told Charlene. But as usual, she told me that I should consider him as my boyfriend.

I know that cannot and will not happen. We made a promise not to like each other. Only then can this friendshp be everlasting. I still can't imagine him as my boyfriend either..

I want to tell other people. But who else can I tell? The only person I can think of is Miss Ma. But she's away in Hong Kong.. Will I get to tell her afterall? Maybe. Maybe not.

Come to think of it, I find myself too scheming.. I found out she was flying off to Hong Kong for the weekend through an "accidental" sms. I was seething! But I was also very very heartbroken. I wanted to let her know.. But as with Miss Ng, much as I wanted to let them know about how I felt, I was also afraid that they will worry over me.. Maybe that's why I have to plant an accidental sms..


Uncanny coincidence. She said the exact same words as Tonghai.. Asked me not to think too much and asked me to take care. Tonghai said I should introduce the two of them since they both said the same things. Until he found out Jiajun will be turning 23 this year.

Letting my imagination run wild.. I wonder if Jiajun and Tonghai actually do become together.. What will become of us? I wonder wonder wonder..