Happy!!

Tong Hai came today!! Hehe.. He totally made me so happy. It's honestly a miracle, that just two lines from him can cheer me up entirely. For the many things I thank God for, he is one of my top few.

I thank God for my mother, for the person I love most, and giving me more love than anyone else in the world.

I thank God for the power of three, for seeing me through all times, and giving me strength to carry on.

I thank God for Tong Hai, for keeping my spirits high and mighty, and making all problems just another drizzle in the wind.

I thank God for my dearest papaya and watermelon, for giving me ground to stand, and wind to sail my ships.

I thank God for X Men, for endless support and infinite encouragement for whatever baton I choose to receive.

I thank God for Joy, Joyce and Minghui, for cups to pour my feelings into, and for filling me from their pitchers.

I thank God for restoring my faith in love and hope, and for another person to bring this stray lamb home.

I thank God for my life. That for every trial and tribulation, I shall learn something from it. That from every fall and challenge, I shall grow in my heart and soul. That for every tear I shed, I shall laugh a thousand times.

I thank God for the people who make these happen.

I thank God for Christ who made these happen.

I thank you Lord.

In the name of Christ the Lord I pray,

Amen.

你弄得我好累好累。。 Please tell me what I should do.

My thoughts now:

Grumble grumble

My ankle is getting worse.. Now I have something to distract me from my back. Dammit.

Nostalgia

Occasionally, on my playlist, JJ's songs from his latest album Cao Cao will play. Somehow, it will always immediately bring me back to the times just before I entered Swiss. The period after I collected my A level results. The time when I kept asking "What happened?"

Psychology calls it state-dependent learning or in a broader sense, encoding specificity. English has a different word for it: nostalgia. Everytime I listen to the songs, I certainly feel the whole surge of nostalgia. Wave after wave of it.

I don't know why I still refer it to nostalgia though. Since it's supposed to reminicse happy times.. I felt sadness. And I can still remember how heartbroken I was, and tear after tear that would not stop.

The memories are still so vivid. "What happened?"

Another week

Another week passes.. Should I go home? I don't know.. I only know I don't want to. help

This world is not what it seems

still water surging current
crouching tiger hidden dragon
candle light cloaked in darkness
urban city strange wilderness
three glasses of champagne twenty pints
raging water gentle rinse
calming silence deafening ears
spilt second two hundred years
tiny ant humungous strength
one centimeter infinite length
light as a feather enormous mass
rising sun set in the west
endless flow punctuated
bickering couples infatuated
empty glass filled to the brim
this world is not what it seems

My Home

Mirabelle changed her tuition (again) to Sunday (irritating!) and I made the last minute decision to stay over at home tonight instead. At 5 o' clock, I suddenly had the urge to see my mother. Albeit fuelled by flashes of someone asking me "Wouldn't my parents miss me?". I was in the middle of a webcast. But I wanted to see my mother.

That's enough. I stopped the webcast, packed up my stuff and headed home. Throughout the journey, I kept counting down the distance towards my home. Three more stops, two more stops, a few more blocks, one more block. Home.

Mum cooked my favourite xiao bai cai as I asked her to. And included a special vegetable tom yam Korean style. Dinner was fantastic. She was chatty as usual. Talking about what she bought, what my dad complained about what she bought, how she searched behind-the-scenes footages on YouTube of one of her favourite dramas, about the horrible attitude of my brother, about how my dad nearly hit her two weeks ago.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I came home last week and wanted really badly to indulge myself in my own fantasy world before I throw all fun into the air and started studying. You came in and I KNOW that you wanted to talk to me, as you always do, but I badly wanted to daydream. I KNOW you wanted to watch the show with me, and all the nice parts we both liked, but your presence made me conscious I was in reality.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I asked you to keep quiet and not talk so that I can continue in my fantasy world. You repeated twice that "Ok. I will not talk!" and you gave me a look that you will really try not to talk no matter how hard it would be. Just for me.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I find it harder and harder to come home every week. Consciously, because I love hall, and I have too many things there to stay home for too long a period of time. Subconsciously, because I didn't want to.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I find it easier to escape all these. I'm sorry that I chose the easier route. I'm sorry I cannot do anything. I'm sorry I cannot side you, because it will only make it harder for you to live with them. I'm sorry that I cannot help you, because you are the only one who can help yourself.

Ma, I'm sorry.

I love you and you remain the person I love most up till today. But if I'm only going to come home and listen to these stories.. Ma, I don't know how I'm going to come home.. Lihao complains to me as well. Papa doesn't. But things are very obvious when he gives me too much attention.

I ever thought of it. That maybe all these won't happen if I'm home more often. But I know they still will. I've seen it happen before I moved out. Lihao's complains are definitely not going to stop. And the quarrels between you and Papa late at night.. I wasn't asleep.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I don't have the courage to watch more cracks appear at home. I'm sorry I don't dare to face the time when you or Papa finally give up. I'm sorry I still love you too much. I'm sorry I still have so much hopes for this home.

Mummy, I'm so sorry..

Before and After

I was so cute wasn't I? Darn! What happened..

Gender Studies mid-sem lecture

If you guys think that NS was a terror, wait till you have cramps. Field camp is torturous, disgusting and primitive. I think cramps are torturous, disgusting and primitive too.

It's painful, you can't really stand up straight, and you have to act like the world is still a happy place. Hence it is torturous.

It's squishy, slimy, wet, cold if there's no skin contact for like one second, and you still need to walk as though there's nothing dripping out of you. Hence disgusting.

And it's been around since humans are offcially evolved as humans. So primitive.

BUT the difference is that we have it for a lifetime, save for 15 years, and you big, macho guys have it for TWO years. And decreasing. CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?! Girls go through a week of field camp every month for their lifetimes minus 15 years!!

Dammit. I hate cramps. Period.

Haiz

I must seem pretty mild nowadays.. Another friend commented that I "sounded really angry on my blog". And that what I said about Chris can be "quite disturbing".

I am/was. But with who, I don't know. I would like to think that I'm angry with Chris for being so dead rigid, and not listening that she's stifling herself in.. herself. But I think I might really be angry with myself. For not being able to accept Chris for who she is.

Girl, can you tell me what I should do? How was it that we were true friends in the past, yet reduced to mere acquaintances now? Did you change? Or did I? Or is this an inevitable road that we must both take?

What happened? That I now think that you are a person I should not have known deeeper? I am lost.. Help me.

Haha. Haiyo...

Just now, a friend called me. He asked about the Christina mentioned in the previous post. Haha. I wanted to add a postscript below the entry, but decided in the end that it'll destroy the effect.

For clarification's sake, Christina is someone I knew from NJ. Not any Christina I only knew in uni. It's kind of a common/not common name, since it's English. But no no, not any Christina I know from uni onwards only.

The one mentioned was someone I knew since J1. Different.

You make me despise you

The other day, I had the first session of RP. (Which reminds me, I'd better go check for new experiments soon.) And due to some administration cock-up, we were suddenly left with no space to sit, and a huge stack of questions to answer.

So, being the bai ka with the sleeveless tops, I chose to sit at a bench along one of the corridors. Coincidentally, it just happened to be near the admin block, and guess who walked by? Christina.

Honestly girl, it was quite ok seeing you. Although I was kinda startled, because I pretty much haven't seen people I previously know until you came by. UNTIL you said "Hey, what are you mugging?"

DAMN YOU WOMAN! I DON'T MUG!! I've been hating it when you use that word since NJ you know. Worse was during those teaching days. When we are marking, and YOU CHEER AND GO "YAY! MUGGING SESSION!" What are you? A moron?

Mugging is what YOU do. I STUDY. There's a difference. Mugging is what people like you do to get good grades. Studying is what people do, to LEARN. Why are you degrading yourself and the good name of education by mindlessly studying?

You make me despise you. You honestly do.

STUPID %@!#&^ CAST!!!

DAMN IT! I feel so damn uncomfortable! STUPID %@!#&^ CAST!!! What the hell!!! It's so bloody itchy and stuffy AND heavy!! One more day to go.. One more day to go!!!

My goodness!! I MUST resist the urge to manually remove the cast MYSELF!!

BLOCK C!!!!

IBG started like one week ago with the guys and Sepak Tekraw. Aiyo... Wrong strategy arh.. Ended up losing to both blocks. And basketball?!?! Alamak. Plundered, raped, and violated. Especially with Block E. (Dang! I hate that tall guy in white. Too tall. Too good.)

And then! It was the girls! With track on Wednesday. All surprises and delight! We got first! (Liz, I'm so proud of you!!!) For the girls only.. The guys.. Fourth.. Block C is really relying on girl power this year.

Next on Thursday, we have netball.. Just from training alone, I just knew we would win. And we did. Only block to have a lead against Block B early in the game. VERY intense fight. We won by two goals only..

But it was also on this fateful day.. That my leg spoilt. AIYO! Went to NUH to see some chao geng doctor. When he first took a look at my leg, he decided it was nothing serious and sent me for an x-ray just to make sure there was no fracture.

THEN when the x-ray results were out, he started checking my leg all over again. Before (acting) calmly telling me that there was a small crack in my leg. AND IT HAD TO BE IN A CAST! Whoa piang eh! My first thoughts flashed to SNDCC. JUNSHENG! I'M SO SORRY!

Doctor, can you please check it out? I think the crack is not in my leg. It's in the X-RAY lens! And I am so innocently stuck in a (stoopid $&#%&*@&#) cast!! Worst! My leg was in the post-netball state when they wrapped it up. Can you imagine the mangrove they'll uncover when they remove my cast on Thursday?! DISGUSTING!!

Sob.. Look at my big ti ka..

My ti ka watching TV..

Oh well. Enough lamenting. Netball was on Thursday. Friday was Handball. WE WON TOO! And there was hockey, where the boys, sorry, MEN finally got a gold for the block. Although the girls got a silver.. And there was a tie for one of the swimming events with Block B. We always seem to be at loggerheads with them don't we?

Whatever. May the best block (I hope it's us) win!

12 August 2006

That was the day. The day where all the preparation stood for. One month odd of sweat, bruises, knocks and hits. Fun, joy, laughter and a wee bit of tears. Oh what the heck. The whole truckload of emotions and practice all unleashed into one day.

RAG.

The day was hot alright. But not as bad as it could have been. Adranaline was really high. And I'm really thankful for that. The whole dance felt good. The night before. Between all and nothing, I chose all. The day itself. Nothing was left behind.

The feeling now is so surreal. I think I'll miss the dance studio. And the dance people. The crazy things the guys did. The funny things I saw. The amusement everyone got. Everything would have been another dream if I didn't have the shirt with "DANCER" embroidered on the sleeve.

We didn't win. And I cried. Not because we lost. I was already pretty overwhelmed by all the emotions before we even performed. So I shouldn't have been crying over our loss. I don't know. I can't explain myself also.

But after rag we had a final presentation to the backstage float people who couldn't watch our performance. Then some of us went down to the esplanade area to watch fireworks. It was really pretty and the whole experience was damn fun.

And there was this little discovery I made. Which made me feel quite dense.. Since all the things I've been observing didn't sink in until that day. Earlier today when I was thinking of it, I really felt like knocking myself on my head. HAIYO! Be more alert la.. See liao don't know how to evaluate meh? Blockhead..

One more day to rag...

Rag is just how many hours away.. And I'm left with 4 hours and 20 minutes of sleep and counting down. I always recall papaya and watermelon's attitude towards things. All or nothing. Tomorrow. I choose ALL.

[Ok. Bath break. Better blog and let my hair dry at the same time.]

While I was bathing I kept thinking of what Stewart told me. He said that I missed a beat and asked me to even cook something up on the spot but never look shocked. Ok that part was quite common sense. WE KNOW.

For that point, I thought he was talking about my gnomes part since I really missed the beat there. Then he said "It's very obvious. You were shocked then your hands went up." Ok... Hold it there. Which part of gnomes do my hands go up? Hey wait. That's the second set of stunts he's talking about!

Ta-ma-de kanina you asshole! I didn't miss the beat there ok!!! I was on time. What shocked?! Lousy la. I thought I really made a mistake subconsciously and you caught it. And all the while, you were just crapping.

Ok so sorry. I shall be more polite. Mr. Stewart sir, I have no idea what beat I missed and what shocked expression you were advising me about. Apparently, the beat I missed was not caught by your discerning eyes, but instead, you mistook my perfect timing for a skipped count.

I would like to apologise for your lack of healthy eyesight, but I am afraid I cannot. It is your fault after all. But I do agree with you that I should not make it obvious if I missed my steps. It's just that I already knew that long before you told me. You can count the mentioned period of time in years. Definitely not many compared to those that you've lived. I'm afraid I am less than half your age after all.

I would like to apologise though that I found your constructive advice highly insulting, rude and irritating. I heard from a passing remark that you are a million-dollar round table insurance agent. That is really very impressive sir. Especially with the way I imagine you pitching your sales.

Sir, although I am only less than half your age, I have some advice for you too. You can choose to read it in the same irritating way you gave me your precious advice earlier on, or you can just read it as per normal, which may be just as irritating as the way you speak. Do not pretend to know it all. DON'T. It's very obvious that you don't. It's VERY obvious.

I'm not trying to pressurise you. But it's very obvious that you really know nothing. And you're pretending to know everything. Maybe it's a requirement for being an insurance agent. First, to be nice and introduce yourself then bombard your victim with exaggerated facts of life. But sir, you are speaking to a junior. As a senior. Not as an insurance agent.

We can be your potential clients in future. But because I find you so irritating, rude and insulting, I think I will look for other agents to handle my policies. I regard them as more deserving recipients of the commissions from my premium payments.

Anyway, I've got to head for the bed now. I need my ample rest so that I will not appear shock to the audience tomorrow. Missed beat or not. Sir, perhaps, instead of resting so early, maybe you could take some time and ponder over the way you speak. I have boldly made the assumption that you have ample time on your hands since you have appeared quite frequently in Sheares. Please pardon me if I have made a mistake there.

Goodnight.

I got bitten

We went to shop for our dancing shoes today! But only the girls got ours. Cos the shop with that fierce aunty with the Malaysian accent with the attitude didn't sell wushu shoes for the guys. So only the girls got our pretty little pink ballet shoes.

The shoes are quite frictionless. Ruolin said Wenjie and I didn't have to ACT to fall. We just will. Oh oh. Never mind. It's a convincing act for rag. For the SHIELD. [I must be crazy.]

And the pretty shoes came in a pretty plastic bag!

I thought there was something vaguely familiar with the plastic bag when I first saw it, but I just couldn't put a finger to it. UNTIL... I reached home. And dug out my keys to open the door. Then (*cue Beethoven's Symphony No. 5) I saw my key chain. HAHAHA. That was where it was familiar!

After coming out of the Singapore Dance Ensemble building disappointed at the exorbidant prices for the wushu shoes, we went to kopitiam for lunch. Where en route I announced to the whole wide world who would listen that it was Sandra's birthday.

Now coming to think of it, MAYBE I was asking for it. We went to kopitiam where they smuggled a little cake in and lured Sandra away while they lit the candle. THEN when it was time to sing the birthday song and blow the candle, me, being the professional photographer I am, volunteered to take photographs for them.

After the first group photo (excluding me. obviously), Janice came round to where I was standing and insisted on seeing the photos I took, while I desperately held on to what little end of the camera strap I had.

Then Jackson came round too and volunteered to take while I go join the group. Obviously I resisted! And hung on to the strap for dear life. Then Janice said "Let go, or I'll bite you." Duh! Obviously I won't let go. She won't dare to actually chomp down on my cute little hands.

BUT SHE DID!!

I felt all 12 teeth sink into my [whatever part you call it] of my hand.

Now we all know. Janice bites. Ow.

Gnomes Ke-ma-ma!!

***************************************************

Last week, I saw my brother for the first time on Friday afternoon. This week, I saw my brother for the first time on Friday NIGHT. Next week, I think I'll see him for the first time the whole week on Saturday morning. Haiyo.

***************************************************

First week of full day dance practices. PENG! Thank goodness Janice is merciful enough to give enough time for afternoon naps. Janice wan sui!!!! [And Janice smses for an outing tomorrow. How coincidental.]

Gnomes are finally done! The whole choreographing and everything. SO COOL CAN?! Soldiers, fairies and soldier-fairies have their moves TAUGHT to them. WE come up with our own! On the spot (under the whip of our evil ringmistress). So clever.

But yesterday nearly killed me. The last two rehearsals took the cake. I just totally collapsed after each one. My legs just gave way. WHAT THE HELL!! Cannot even stand straight! My knees arh! From painful to numb to no longer there. Bleah.

And suddenly the length of the badminton court seems so LONG. I can never seem to reach Wenjie in time. We even cheated (much to her reluctance) and ran a shorter distance. But cannot reach in time leh! Next time, shorten the badminton court.

They must defend our country!!

*************************************************
I forgot to pass Chee Fung his present AGAIN. 1 month and 6 days after his birthday. Now it's really become resident evil on my floor.

*************************************************

Went out with my two precious today. Arrived there to watch the two of them play magic cards at Burger King. Wonderful.

I'm SO having the time of my life

Naughty boys. They didn't even answer me when I asked them if they were killing each other off one monster at a time or all at one go. I asked THRICE!! Their answer: SOON!!!

Rright. Soon enough. I was at Dhoby Ghaut at 12.00 sharp. And we left BK at.. 12.35! I amaze myself at times too. I actually sat there, watching two boys released from army hell playing with a bunch of cards I simply cannot comprehend for a good HALF AN HOUR!!!

Embrace our hearts. Rejoice!

Army continues to amaze me. One went in earlier because he failed NAPFA, and the other had the luxury of a month lesser cos he managed to get silver. But the one who failed, PASSED IPPT and went on to SISPEC (We pride. We lead. SISPEC!!). While the one with the glittering silver FAILED IPPT and is now learning how to shoot down pilots. (Airforce. Like nothing on Earth.)

My amazement does not stop there. Apparently army trains your tolerance to the extremes! It trains you to tolerate hardship, pain and sai kang. It puts you to the most extremes and all who come out are MEN. Made of steel. Nothing fazes them. Not even a crowded moving train with no empty seats.

Army. The Decisive Force.