My Evergreen Status

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I've got a horribly screwed up system. I can't seem to eat (dinner last night was three stems of vegetables, 2 or 3 pieces of tofu, a spoonful of meat and two mouths of soup), I got the second major giddy spell in three days, and my fingers won't stop trembling.

Thank goodness my body clock is still normal.

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I was chatting with a friend when he asked me a question about relationships and I suddenly got, in my opinion, a very wise insight.

I was telling him about my inability to commit and be stable enough to be in a relationship. Then he said that when I'm ready, there might not be guys around for me to pick.

I told him that was part 2 of the problem. I had to solve part 1 first. So he asked me how may parts did I think there were.

And then I gained that insight.

I think
There are three areas to resolve for every relationship. The first being us as a person, the second being our partner and our compatibility in terms of character and beliefs. Lastly, would of course be the ongoing relationship itself, and how each of us could still be our individual selves despite being attached.

Years ago, the onset of puberty and ensuing rush of hormones ensured the absence of the first two aspects. I soon lost my individual identity, and my friends. (Being separated into different classes was also a factor).

Sometime later, I learnt about problem no. 2. Residual hormones from puberty sucessfully concealed a very jarring problem no. 1. Passion lasted like an A-bomb detonating in water.

I no longer insensibly think I'm ready for relationships and commitment. Love immortalized by Hollywood is slowly being peeled away. An ugly core remains.

It's honestly nice having a boyfriend to take care of you, have a hand to hold, send a tingle down your spine everytime you kiss.. But beyond the intimacy and making out, what's next? Sharing your problems, listening to his, talking about your day, and sms-ing "I love you"?

Hm. No, thanks. I'm not so into that.