Suicide

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I finally got my bolster! Lalalalala. Hehe. And a teaspoon. And my cheque is on the way to the bank. And I FINALLY WENT HOME! Heh.

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So anyway. Suicide. Quite a taboo topic isn't it? And those who read this blog will probably start thinking I'm suicidal and everything. Heh. I'M NOT.

I used to think I was a pessimist for thinking about these kinda things. Death, pain, misery. Not just me, but my friends and family as well. (So sorry to drop it on you that I imagine you dying horribly this way.)

But then I realised, will a pessimist honestly think about these kind of stuff? They're usually not so far-sighted, aren't they? Pre-occupied about the present, worrying about the worst that will happen to them, and they'll definitely be unable to cope.

It is the optimist who will seriously consider death. Because only an optimist will be able to come to terms with death and misery. And hence, I conclude, I am an optimist. Ha!

I do not think that death is scary. Neither do I think that pain nor misery are. They (pain and misery) are horrible experiences, yes, but how much harm can it bring? Let's face it. They do more good than bad.

So anyway, back to my thing about suicide. I ever thought about it. (Ok duh. There wouldn't be this blog entry otherwise) My favourite way of suicide is carbon monoxide poisoning. It's painless, and since it's usually from the air-conditioning of a car, it's comfy! If I ever were to commit suicide, and I have a choice, I'd definitely choose a car (Lexus, BMW or Mercedes will do), turn on the air-conditioning, with my bolster, comforter and bear bear and go to sleep!

I have fears (I'm human after all). Fear of falling, fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of punishment, fear of being unable to escape... The list goes on. And dying through carbon monoxide poisoning (hehe!) circumvents all my fears.

I know that there are people in this world who are afraid of Death. But why? Because death makes you leave the ones you love behind? Because death strips you of all the things that means to you? Or because death stops everything you have going on in life?

But if you'll just think about it. As in, really think and consider about it, death gives meaning to life. Because life has to stop one day, so people will strive to make the most out of it Because life has an end road, that is why people don't want to let it go.

Life is a wonderful thing. The potentials are limitless. And death might seemingly remove these infinite possibilities achievable by Man. But if there was only life and no death, how much of these possibilities will even be achieved by us?

p.s. If you find this whole entry morbid, and my jokes just disgustingly dark, then you just haven't gotten to terms that everyone will die one day. That's ok. You might think I'm crazy for now. But how much of a smile do you want to wear on your deathbed? Be happy that you've reached your time to move on, or be sad because you want to hold on to all you've had in your life? The choice is yours.

p.p.s. I would have liked to talk about the pros and cons of different ways of suicide. Like jumping off a building didn't need money, since the buildings are there already, but the pain is probably HUMUNGOUS, compared to dying of carbon monoxide poisoning in a car.. But oh well. Went with the flow and this was where I ended up.

So.. Hope you enjoyed the story!

Bubble tea

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Don't you feel tempted to leave a comment after reading my blog? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE FEEL TEMPTED?? WHY??

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There's always something about bubble tea that makes me excited.. Literally. Maybe it's because I haven't drank milk tea in a long while. But after one full cup of bubble tea TODAY.

MY FINGERS STARTED TREMBLING!

Look at my shaky fingers.

Bleah. It's as though I've got cyanide poisoning or something.

But still, THANK YOU REMY for the bubble tea. We really appreciate it. Despite the quivering fingers.

Anyone wants to sponsor Starbucks coffee next time? I like Java Chip.

My rooftop

I WON THE BATTLE AGAINST THE FUNGUS!!! Hahahahaha!!! I'm so damn happy la!! That freaking fungus, won't die despite all the insecticide/fungicide. Then Ming Hui suggested a REALLY good idea the other time. Fire. Since it's so afraid of heat, dying when there is no sun.

And so, I went to the lounge, looking for a lighter, but leaving with the starter instead. Went up to the rooftop, filled up a pail of water just in case. And clicked the starter.

Poof! The fire came on. And I started burning the fungus. It didn't crinkle and shrivel like I expected but it cackled! I have no idea if it was the wood or the fungus. But it did turn black for a little bit..

But wth! It did not burn! Then I decided to try a method I've been thinking of for quite a while. SCRAPE IT OFF.

I grabbed a shovel sitting next to me, aligned it with the line of fungus and SLID the shovel along the wood. AND IT CAME OFF JUST LIKE THAT!

Rows and rows of fungus just peeling off so quickly. My goodness! It's an orgasm!!

I feel so satisfied as I looked at the pathetic fungus just lying on the floor helpless against my extermination. Especially those big clumps that could resist the fungicide. Just dropped useless on the floor. Shiok!

Then I saw the lighter lying by the side. And decided to kill off the roots as well. So I took the lighter and starter heating up the WOOD itself. Sayona-ra sucker! Hahaha.

Too bad I don't have photos to show you. Cos I think it's so freaking disgusting and irritating I didn't want to pollute my handphone. But if you could see the before and after effects.. You would feel my orgasm too.

Fwahahaha.

But here's a look at the aftermath.

The dark areas are where the fungus used to grow.

I tried to look for them on the floor. But they are (mocking sadness) no longer there. Hehehehe. Yes! Battle against the fungus. I WON.

But there are beautiful things on the rooftop as well. My hibiscus is blooming! And this other flower that I don't know what the name is.. But it's blooming too! So pretty!! We'll wait a while more, and see if the cactus will bloom too. Right now, its leaves are just in a super healthy state. Long and green, and not sagging.

And here's are my pretties!

Queen of photoshop

I AM THE QUEEN OF PHOTOSHOP! Nah. Actually I'm not. If I am, I wouldn't have had to stay up all night photoshopping furniture. Oh golly me! I still can't believe I really did that. Just in case some other people still our wonderful idea, I'll just show a glimpse of my photoshopping genius.

Look what I did to this bar counter:

www.bargizmos.co.uk

Tadda!!!

This one I'm most proud of..

www.luxurylivingchannel.com

The most amazing photoshopped work!!

I rock right?? Tell me tell me. I so totally rock right!! How to rotate the sofa around man?? How to remove the cushion and add in the planks? How to.. do this whole thing?? I am the QUEEN!

I so totally think that Adobe should sponsor me their latest version of Photoshop.. I'm still using a super old version. Darn.

Pirate ship

Tonghai came today!! I was soooooooooooo excited. I couldn't sleep last night. Although it was already 3.20 am. I couldn't get out of bed at 8 until I remembered Tonghai was coming. And immediately, I was energetic. After lecture, I came back to water the plants as usual. And waited for his sms.

But decided to take a nap until his sms came. I met him at the bus stop outside central library. I arrived from hall. The moment I got down the bus, I raaaaaaaaaaaan across the road, zipped in front of a taxi and raced up to him. With a gigantic smile on my face. He smiled back. (Though I'm not sure if that was laughing at me or just smiling back.)

Quite a waste that he has to go back immediately after lunch today. I would so happily spend two more hours with him. But oh well. At least he came.

Then I went back to hall to relax a while. Before going for tutorial. I was still smiling to myself while walking in. Then outside the classroom, I got a bomb.


I don't know what to think. I suddenly feel exploited. It's as though I'm expected to give, but forgotten when it's my time to take. I remember when I told her the news, she expected me to just give it up. She said "Can you like just tell them you don't want? Just don't take it up." I was shocked at her reply. I thought she'd at least support me or leave it for me to decide.

I don't know why she didn't think that if I didn't want, I wouldn't have gone for the interview.

I thought maybe she asked everyone else after lecture, but apparently, she had asked them yesterday. Dammit! It's so super cheated can?? Why didn't she include me in? She left so many questions dangling in the air. Is this how she plans things? People say she has potential, why can't I see any?

Or was I never meant to be included in the first place? She could have just asked, even if she knew I would say no. Why must I find it out from someone else? Someone else who includes. Someone else who congratulated me when she heard the news. Someone who said it was ok, and I should go for the bigger one. Someone who will answer all my questions!

Haiz. It's not that I mind learning it from this someone else. She is just as dear to me. But when she is not the person organising the whole thing.. It makes a lot of difference.

This is one of those feelings you get on the pirate ship. A huge sinking feeling in your stomach. From waaaay up high, to waaaaaay down low.

Tong Hai is coming...............!

Tong Hai is coming tomorrow!! Woo hoo!! I want to eat Yong Tau Foo!! Curry, with fat bee hoon. Hehe. So excited!

The exams are coming

*cue Paul Revere on horseback riding through the town shouting out his lungs "The exams are coming! The exams are coming!!!" And the exams appearing over the horizon, with their red uniforms and rifles... Ok. a bit too far. But point gotten.

Everyone's studying!

Some have even given up on fashion..

Darn. Words too small. They read PIGTAIL ALERT! if you don't have super-bionic eyes like mine.

The world now revolves around books. Let the fun begin!

I'm not poor

I've been having this bad habit. I keep saying I'm poor. Actually, not really. I just keep saying I don't have money. It's not true. Cos I realised I still get to stay in hall, (as nicely pointed out by someone). So I'm not poor! Yay!

I just have pocket money that covers my phone bills, transport, textbooks, and course packs. Groceries, meals and clothes aside. Money to go out and enjoy myself is definitely from my pocket money. That's taken for granted. Miscellaneous bits.. Too minor to ask for more.

But I'm not poor. I can still stay in hall.

My dad just thinks that I don't need so much money. $160 a month is more than enough for me. It's actually already more than what he intended for me. If I want to go on SEP, it's best if I find somebody to sponsor me. Like scholarships, or bursaries. Or I'll just pay for it partially, and he pays the rest, or I'll borrow from him first.

I'm not poor. I can stay in hall.

I'm really not poor. He is more generous than he was when we were still living in Eastern Lagoon.

I have enough to spend on food, as long as I don't spend more than $2 on a meal. Don't buy the more expensive food. Go for the cheapest. I have to have discipline, and not always eat the food I like. Don't buy drinks. Drink plain water. Bring water bottle. Don't buy snacks. Don't buy sweets. These luxury items waste unnecessary money.

I'm not poor. I can stay in hall.

We used to move from condo to condo. From Bayshore Park to Eastern Lagoon. From a one-storey rented condo to a penthouse. Even though the penthouse was very heavily discounted. That was before we finally moved to a HDB flat. But I could still have my own room. With my own computer, and my own laptop.

I'm not poor. I just have very little to spend.

As long as I can see things the way he does, I'll be able to see that I have more money to spend. I might even be able to start eating lunch more often. And not skip two days' lunch to eat something I like on one day.

If only exams weren't over. Then I would still be giving tuition. $200 more a month. Luckily Papa forgot I was giving tuition when he decided on my pocket money for me. I wonder how much he would have given me if he remembered, or if I reminded him. Haha. I can still remember that sudden stunned look when I said I was going to give tuition, just before I went out the other time.

I'm not poor. I can stay in hall.

Sick!

My nose is doing a marathon, I've got the tired rash, I'm sleepier than usual, and I can't think properly.

I am officially sick!

dammit..

K.O.

Reflections

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Tong Hai's so sweet! Hehe. I LOVE MY TONG HAI!!!!

Someone tell me why PSA Vista and NUS AS7 shows up on my phone before standby mode..

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Thinking back to the kind of guys I go for, past to present, and what people have been telling me, and how I feel, and what I think..

I think in the end, it was Tong Hai who put it through best..

喜欢他也因为当初喜欢他这个样子。不能因为我喜欢他而要他改。。

Yeah lor. Resign to fate ba.

A dream

Last night, I dreamt that I had $240 a month for pocket money.. PLEASE LET THAT HAPPEN!!

Rain as explained by me

When I was a kid, like around four or five, I used to think that it rained because people UP there were washing their hands. And the water that washed down the drain became rain down here.

They'll all be wise, old men, in long, white cloaks and long beards. Queueing to wash their hands at the sink of the guest room in my old house. Or at least a sink like the one in the guest room. Maroon red and classic.

I think these few days, their hands keep getting dirty. And the queue at the sink is getting longer. That would explain the longER and heaviER rains.

Hahaha. Imagine if I was somebody in some primitive mud-house civilization. I would have become chief priestess with that theory of mine!

Then.. I would make chocolate the holy drink, and holy sweet. Beansprouts, spring onions, parleys, all other yucky vegetables and yucky innards will be forbidden food. For they are unholy. Haha.

All bow in the presence of Grand Priestess Le Hia!!

Happy!!

Tong Hai came today!! Hehe.. He totally made me so happy. It's honestly a miracle, that just two lines from him can cheer me up entirely. For the many things I thank God for, he is one of my top few.

I thank God for my mother, for the person I love most, and giving me more love than anyone else in the world.

I thank God for the power of three, for seeing me through all times, and giving me strength to carry on.

I thank God for Tong Hai, for keeping my spirits high and mighty, and making all problems just another drizzle in the wind.

I thank God for my dearest papaya and watermelon, for giving me ground to stand, and wind to sail my ships.

I thank God for X Men, for endless support and infinite encouragement for whatever baton I choose to receive.

I thank God for Joy, Joyce and Minghui, for cups to pour my feelings into, and for filling me from their pitchers.

I thank God for restoring my faith in love and hope, and for another person to bring this stray lamb home.

I thank God for my life. That for every trial and tribulation, I shall learn something from it. That from every fall and challenge, I shall grow in my heart and soul. That for every tear I shed, I shall laugh a thousand times.

I thank God for the people who make these happen.

I thank God for Christ who made these happen.

I thank you Lord.

In the name of Christ the Lord I pray,

Amen.

你弄得我好累好累。。 Please tell me what I should do.

My thoughts now:

Grumble grumble

My ankle is getting worse.. Now I have something to distract me from my back. Dammit.

Nostalgia

Occasionally, on my playlist, JJ's songs from his latest album Cao Cao will play. Somehow, it will always immediately bring me back to the times just before I entered Swiss. The period after I collected my A level results. The time when I kept asking "What happened?"

Psychology calls it state-dependent learning or in a broader sense, encoding specificity. English has a different word for it: nostalgia. Everytime I listen to the songs, I certainly feel the whole surge of nostalgia. Wave after wave of it.

I don't know why I still refer it to nostalgia though. Since it's supposed to reminicse happy times.. I felt sadness. And I can still remember how heartbroken I was, and tear after tear that would not stop.

The memories are still so vivid. "What happened?"

Another week

Another week passes.. Should I go home? I don't know.. I only know I don't want to. help

This world is not what it seems

still water surging current
crouching tiger hidden dragon
candle light cloaked in darkness
urban city strange wilderness
three glasses of champagne twenty pints
raging water gentle rinse
calming silence deafening ears
spilt second two hundred years
tiny ant humungous strength
one centimeter infinite length
light as a feather enormous mass
rising sun set in the west
endless flow punctuated
bickering couples infatuated
empty glass filled to the brim
this world is not what it seems

My Home

Mirabelle changed her tuition (again) to Sunday (irritating!) and I made the last minute decision to stay over at home tonight instead. At 5 o' clock, I suddenly had the urge to see my mother. Albeit fuelled by flashes of someone asking me "Wouldn't my parents miss me?". I was in the middle of a webcast. But I wanted to see my mother.

That's enough. I stopped the webcast, packed up my stuff and headed home. Throughout the journey, I kept counting down the distance towards my home. Three more stops, two more stops, a few more blocks, one more block. Home.

Mum cooked my favourite xiao bai cai as I asked her to. And included a special vegetable tom yam Korean style. Dinner was fantastic. She was chatty as usual. Talking about what she bought, what my dad complained about what she bought, how she searched behind-the-scenes footages on YouTube of one of her favourite dramas, about the horrible attitude of my brother, about how my dad nearly hit her two weeks ago.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I came home last week and wanted really badly to indulge myself in my own fantasy world before I throw all fun into the air and started studying. You came in and I KNOW that you wanted to talk to me, as you always do, but I badly wanted to daydream. I KNOW you wanted to watch the show with me, and all the nice parts we both liked, but your presence made me conscious I was in reality.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I asked you to keep quiet and not talk so that I can continue in my fantasy world. You repeated twice that "Ok. I will not talk!" and you gave me a look that you will really try not to talk no matter how hard it would be. Just for me.

I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't know.

I find it harder and harder to come home every week. Consciously, because I love hall, and I have too many things there to stay home for too long a period of time. Subconsciously, because I didn't want to.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I find it easier to escape all these. I'm sorry that I chose the easier route. I'm sorry I cannot do anything. I'm sorry I cannot side you, because it will only make it harder for you to live with them. I'm sorry that I cannot help you, because you are the only one who can help yourself.

Ma, I'm sorry.

I love you and you remain the person I love most up till today. But if I'm only going to come home and listen to these stories.. Ma, I don't know how I'm going to come home.. Lihao complains to me as well. Papa doesn't. But things are very obvious when he gives me too much attention.

I ever thought of it. That maybe all these won't happen if I'm home more often. But I know they still will. I've seen it happen before I moved out. Lihao's complains are definitely not going to stop. And the quarrels between you and Papa late at night.. I wasn't asleep.

Mummy, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I don't have the courage to watch more cracks appear at home. I'm sorry I don't dare to face the time when you or Papa finally give up. I'm sorry I still love you too much. I'm sorry I still have so much hopes for this home.

Mummy, I'm so sorry..