A Close

This shall be my last entry before I revert back to celebrity blogging. No more entries about NJPS. No more palace intrigue. No more cai bng uncle. All deleted. No more of the truest thoughts from me. About Miss Ma. About Chris. Deleted.

So much for a blog for me to shout out into nothingness. The girl still has to keep her feelings all bottled up. Things that the president could not say, could still not be said in what she thought was her personal space. She has none.

Haiz. [cute puffy white cloud thingy blowing out empty speech bubbles]

Through all these, the person who helped me most was Jackson. I really sat back and did nothing. And I thought it was only right that I let him know about THE phone call and what went on. I told him.

He could have just banged his head into the wall. He kept shaking his head. Kept saying I shouldn't have done it. It didn't affect me. Just made me smile uneasily at his discomfort. Then he said something that made ME want to bang MY head against the wall.

"Wendy (they all?) already like you, you know! Then you go personal and everything. I'm like your defense lawyer, and you just refuted everything I said!"

Or somewhere along that line.

Dammit! Seniors! Freak. Bloody. Shit. Asshole ME! I was so self-absorbed in spilling my thoughts and feelings out that I have forgetten about the seniors! Heck that this blog was never meant to be read.

After dance practice, I went with Jackson to KAP. While he was buying his food, I just sat there and thought of the seniors. Later I told him I felt like crying and I just did. There and then. Haha. Jackson, you're the first person to see me cry for the past two years.

Aiyo. Seniors arh seniors.. I remember being totally obsessed with seniors in secondary school. Because of all the protection and care you showered on me. That time, I just basked in it. I was a naive, innocent girl after all.

Then I became a bitch. Actually I was one all along. It just finally surfaced later on. All these kind of thoughts have been with me as far as I can remember.

Haiz. Haha. Jackson, I know what you told me. And I listened to every word of it. It was really what I needed to hear la. But just let me write these down. To put a closing chapter to this whole episode.

I cried because I really felt that I let you down. 我一切的一切。。我就是觉得我彻彻底底的辜负了你们。就像是你们对我的期望我各个认同，但到头来我还是一手把它们毁灭掉。I remember waking up this morning, just before I called a friend, thinking how I should go about thanking every senior who helped me. Should I do it personally? Or on this blog? Or send an sms? Give a treat?

I really really feel blessed. To have X Men, and to have all of you all helping this bitch get into Sheares. 我只是一个奸人。I'm nothing. Cheap dirt. But so many of you went out of your way to put in a good word for me. I really felt very blessed. I even felt undeserving. Though it's your right to choose who to help.

I created this space so that I could scream to no one. I didn't purposely hide it. But it was never meant to be found. And I blogged that way. It was still discovered in the end. And soon, more and more of you will find out.

I really don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I didn't change. I'm still Le Hia. Like how you know me. This is how I think when I'm alone. How ugly, how scheming, how conniving. Leow Le Hia. It's not that I want to hide this side of me from you. But it's better that you find it out in your own way at your own time, instead of an untimely discovery through whatwhosaid.

I'm sorry if I let you down. I didn't want to either. I'm sorry if you feel cheated. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry if you felt that you wasted your time. I'm really sorry..

I don't know how many seniors to thank. I don't know exactly who have argued for my case. I can only list those whom I know.

Heng Fai, Edlina, thank you SO much. I don't know what you said, but it obviously did quite a bit to help me. Jian Hui specially mentioned you.. You must have impressed him. Thank you.

Wendy, Chio, Zaihao.. I only know who you all are through dance practice. I don't know what I did to gain your favour. But I am really thankful for what you all did and said. It just meant a lot to me.

Desmond.. The Lord must have blessed me with you. I really don't know who you are. But what you said added quite a substantial bid for my case. Thank you. Thank you for helping this person you can easily ignore.

And Jackson. You were the only one I asked to help me get into hall. And you really went the extra mile to help me. You listened to me, you advised me, you told me so much that I would never have learnt by myself. Whether I get in eventually, these few life lessons in this short period of time, I owe it to you. Thank you.

I know there are many others who helped me.. Xuanjie, Candy.. I really appreciate it. I really do. Everything. Words, actions, efforts.. I am honestly grateful for it. Every sms you all sent me telling me not to worry about my application, I kept them. They meant a lot too.

I don't blame anyone for what happened. Really. Jian Hui, I never blamed you. Don't get the wrong idea. I am very clear that it was because of what I said. And because of who I am. Thinking back, perhaps what I shouldn't have done was to believe that my blog would never be found. The chances might have been remote, but they were not non-existent.

To those who supported the decision, no matter what I said or who you think I am, just know that SECC was successful. I wouldn't have changed my first choice from Eusoff to Sheares otherwise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back to celebrity blogging. No more posts about your period, Le Hia.

Startling Revelation

Fangyi told me something that stopped me in my tracks today. She said that some senior said something about my blog. Oh oh. Some one else knows my blog. There are more than three people in this world who knows about whatwhosaid. Shit.

Then I told her I only said that I thought what Jian Hui did was petty. She said "But you're appealing right? So that's not good." Freaking law student. She's damn right la! That's NOT good.

But on my journey home on the bus, I thought about it. Is it really not good? I contemplated coming back and removing all my name, and the entire entry about not getting into Sheares. But I'm Le Hia! I am not ashamed of who I am or what I said. I'm true to myself. I won't say what I don't mean.

And this is my blog. It's my personal space. Where I say what I want. Besides, when something like this happens, surely I get to feel indignant? I just suffered a bitch attack man!

Trackback to what I said about Jian Hui. Oops! I said that I was happy I offended him. Haha. Well. I was when I found out. Fate be it that I have to offend a senior. Then I'll rather it be no one else but him.

Trackback to what I said about not getting into Sheares. Oops! I showed my arrogance by claiming that I won't be stopped for long. No. This one. I'm serious. I will NOT be stopped for long. I went to SECC with eyes wide open. I got X-Men. And I fell in love with this group.

Yes, I'll say SECC is successful. It changed the mind of the stubbornest of the stubborn (aka ME) to change my first choice from Eusoff to Sheares. I want to stay in hall. That's for sure. But I don't want to stay in any other hall other than Sheares. Because of X-Men.

And I'll do all I can within my means to get in. I will not bitch. I will impress everyone being who I am and not get in because whoever stopped me isn't. I won't hide my flaws. I won't flaunt my virtues. I will just be myself. As I was in SECC.

For this wonderful senior who managed to find my blog. Cool. Not that I made efforts to hide it though. Just let this be my pitch to get into Sheares:

I define success as being able to earn five true friends in life. I look around me and count. I have exactly five. I didn't go out and look for them. I didn't work extra hard to earn their friendship. I did everyone did to form strong friendships: be myself.

I am a bitch. But yet I can still gain friends who are, much as I hate to admit, willing to die for me. (Nah. When the time comes, I'll make sure I die first) People who love me for who I am, and will go to great lengths to stop another tear from dropping.

We are not a bunch of showy people. Our birthday presents for each other never exceed five bucks. We never exchange Christmas presents, and festive greetings extend to SMSes at most. But they are never hesitant to prop me up when I'm falling down.

I am a bitch. How do I get these amazing people to stand by me? I just be myself. Leow Le Hia. I am not afriad to admit. First impressions of me are seldom good. And very often bad. As long as I don't make an effort to make someone like me, chances are, the first time he sees me, he won't.

Whatever you've heard or seen from me. How much of it is an accurate reflection of who I am? How well do you know me as a person to judge and decide if I am a person who will bring conflict and destruction to Sheares?

Every one of my five pillars are people I once worked with. If I am such the person you judged me to be, how is it that I am already successful at the age of 19?

The Leader Reflects

************************************
Random

Just wiped my room floor. CLEAN. And scrubbed a spot on the kitchen floor. CLEAN. For that spot

************************************

What Jian Hui did to me made me think about magnanimity. I imagined myself receiving a call from Shermin/Li Ang and hearing them sob over the phone to me about a member who said photographers were slackers.

And I thought of my response to that.

"Is it true? If it is, then do something. If it isn't, then ignore. We cannot control what others think about photog. That someone should think this way is unfortunate but inevitable. There's no use getting all upset over that comment."

Then I'll turn and look at Jian Hui dead in the eye.

"Much less take action against him. You as the president/vice president will only be showing off your pettiness when you do that."

Then I'll look away.

"How tiring it is to be a photographer we all know.. And how inexperienced and immature for that person to say that we are even clearer now. Don't let your tears fall over him. You are doing a fine job now. I have faith in that. Eventually, this person will take back his words and tell you in your face that PS is the best CCA in NJ. We all know that don't we?"



Because of Jian Hui's pettiness and abuse of power, it made me think of how important it is to be a magnanimous leader. Because the pettiness was against me. And I thought of how I would be such a better leader than him.

But when I think back to the times in NJ, perhaps I wasn't such a broad-minded leader after all. The ones who were really magnanimous are my darling papaya and watermelon. I was as much a petty asshole as Jian Hui.

Zhongxing aside. That one, we really had to outcast him. NO ONE could work harmoniously with him other than Wang Fang.

But what about Qian Xin? He showed me disprespect once, by thinking he was such a big shot. But he did apologise. On his own accord. Ok maybe he didn't think he was a big shot only once. There was also the time when he played with the safety light.

I remembered I personally stopped him from covering events myself using my power as president. I only remembered I got really pissed off with him. But I can't remember why. Or was the apology after that?

OH WHATEVER. It's over now. And he's doing fine in the Chen dynasty.

At least one really good thing came out of this episode. I am aware of my past narrow-mindedness. I am not ashame though. It's part of who I am. And fundamental to who I will be. But because I am aware, I am now conscious to avoid being narrow-minded in the future.

But then again, towards the later part of my term, I'd already learnt so much for my two darlings that I may have already 摆脱 (wait till I find the English word for that. Soon. It's at the tip of my tongue) my pettiness. Just that I only realised it now.

And I'd rather thank my papaya and watermelon for this change than Jian Hui. Not being petty. But he really does not deserve it.

History Flicks

I just watched the Epic of Xiao Zhuang. Another history flick. Crap! The thing about these shows is that no matter how you fantasize the ending should be, you're always shocked to the rude fact that it has already happened!

All the misery, and indignance may have been exaggerated. But whoever passed on, what event took place when, are just pure, hard truth. All raw and unprocessed.

Dammit! They just bring the misery back into the reality of life.

Let's stick to ficitious dramas instead. At least those leave room for imagination.

I don't want to be misunderstood..

********************************************

Random

I keep getting mysterious profile viewers on my Friendster account. Just before Sheares camp, I was dead certain I had 44 profile views. But two or three days after the camp, I started having SEVENTY-TWO profile views!!

I don't know who they are.. Everyone of them seems to be anonymous. Bleah.

***************************************

That aside. I want to join rag dance. I want to dance! I love the whole mechanism of rag!! All the cheonging, the slugging out TOGETHER, the intensity and the hot passion just flowing out. But one thing that Jackson said made me re-think my choice: joining rag will put you right on top of the waiting list.

I don't want to join rag because I want to climb up the waiting list!

It's just a lucky coincidence. And I want others to know that! I don't want them to think that I'm so into rag because I am desperate to get into hall!!

Never mind. Since when have I cared for what others thought anyway. They can say what they want. No wait. They can't. This is one of my beliefs that others CANNOT misunderstand.

But I can't change their thinking overnight either. Never mind. They'll find out sooner or later, what my true intentions are.

So it was YOU!

I finally got it out of Jackson! The senior I offended was Jian Hui! OH YES! Cheers and celebrations! I won a nail over that wimp. So he did stop me from entering Sheares. But obviously, he can't stop me for long. If you want to play the popularity game with me, we all know who the winner will be.

I asked Jackson what I did that made him so angry. He said that it was my remarks about Eusoff. And he also said that Christina got offended too. The thing about her, I still think it was a brainwashing effort by Jian Hui. (Sad he got the same name as Tan Jian Hui. The two of them are just worlds apart! Oh wait. The first Jian Hui I know is also changing into a Jian Hui I don't know.)

Then I remarked that they were really petty to block me from going in because all I said about Eusoff was "The draw to walk to school is too big to resist" Then Jackson said that it was politics. POLITICS!! It looked more like kindergarten kids hating each other because one said the other's nose was too big! It's so damn trivial can?!?!

I'm stumped.

Someone knock my head..

After hearing what Candy said about laptops and their batteries, I decided to detach my laptop battery whenever it's fully charged and I'm using AC power. Papa saw it and started giving me his comments. His always too many comments.

And I bloody commented that it felt as though a kindergarten kid was teaching a JC student how to do MATH! He kept quiet. No. He went SILENT! I felt like banging my head against the wall and sewing my two fat lips together.

You know how I always say I don't care what others think about me.. The fact is, I care and really care what others I care for think about me. Oh freak. This is not what they think about me. This is just what they freaking think! Damn it. At least, he appeared to be ok after that. WHY COULDN'T I SAY SECONDARY SCHOOL KID?! WHY THE HELL MUST I EXAGGERATE?!

I honestly don't care if it was that mysterious Sheares senior who felt insulted. THAT'S MY FATHER DAMMIT! And speaking of that Sheares senior. Hell yeah you bet I'm gonna work my way into Sheares and I'm so gonna freaking enjoy myself you feel like pulling out your hair over me. You think you can keep me out like this so easily? Don't forget. This is Le Hia you're dealing with here.

And she's gone..

This was a nick I wanted to put on msn.. But i didn't want others to think I'm some sicko les and start asking long questions and short.

Haiyo. I HAVE to fall sick on the last day of camp and come down with a stoopid temperature of 38.8 degrees. I can't even send Jen Yuh off.. I SO want to give her one last hug before she left. But I managed to call her. Told her "Be safe" and "I'll miss you". The genuine words I really meant.

Bon voyage.

I look forward to your return.

Dear Jen Yuh..

I just woke up from some 5-hour nap after coming back from your house. It's so funny.. We didn't do much, didn't talk much either. Since you said I was the most updated one about your past year and a half. But it felt like the best sleepover I ever had. Your darling sister helped. Obviously.

Haha. When I told you about my little episode with Jiajun, you seemed so amused. And THE tai tai bitch Charlene just couldn't be sympathetic. Hahaha. I think that little scene there at the dining table in your house just totally showed our three different characteristics. The same three that I treasure so much.

I think I said it so many times you prolly can anticipate me and finish my sentence. I treasure the three of us A LOT. That's why I decided to go for YOUR party even though I had a fantastic barbeque going on. I just couldn't let that four hours we had together be the last in your trip back and cover for the next goodness-knows-how-many years.

Jen Yuh, I'm so glad you're back. You really don't know how happy I am to be able to see you in the flesh again. And I think you realised I kept poking you when I was talking to you. Haha. Had to make sure you were really back.

But.. at the same time.. I'm really sad and angry with myself that I cannot spend more time with you in your short break here. You definitely won't want me to skip my camp and forego my deposit just to go out with you. And you would not want me to not enjoy my camp for sure. I know you too well. All I can do is just wish that my camp was on another week instead of the two you were back. I missed you. Terribly.

You are my absolute pillar of strength. I just learn SO MUCH from you. And you just appearing online makes me scream for joy. Maybe you won't put first rain back in your nick again. But I think first cloud is going to stick with me for as long as I'll remember. To remind me of the times we had together and this unsinkable friendship we share.

Auntie, thank you for being who you are, and being there for me. I'll surely miss you terribly when you go back. But I promise you I'll be strong and live life to the fullest just like how you'll want me to. And I'll TRY to wait patiently for your next return. And promise to spend more time with you on your return.

Love,
Le Hia

Bleah me.

I am an ass.. I honestly am. Jiajun is like going all out to make me happy, but here I am INSISTING on wallowing in misery. I'm so sorry.. But I really can't help it. Jen Yuh is leaving NEXT FRIDAY. In other words, the minute I break from arts camp, I'll fly over to the airport to send her off in tears. Yes true, tomorrow I'll see her for the WHOLE night.. But I still can't shake off the dread of knowing how soon she'll leave.

I miss her..

I'm so sorry, Miss Ma. I'll make it up to you when I'm feeling better.

I feel so touched

Two, sorry three days ago, Monday, I went out with Jen Yuh and Charlene. Then found out that I bloody forgot about Jen Yuh's little party on Friday. Then found out worse, she was leaving the following Friday. Dammit. I couldn't let that pathetic four hours be the only time I spent with her after two freaking years. I made arrangements to rag and go for her party.

But I wasn't really stable. That night, when I reached home, I still felt sad.. There was still something stuck inside. But Jiajun was online. On the very verge of me about to confide in her, she said she wanted to go watch tv. But I asked her to stay. And she did. Then I told her. How sad I was. And I started crying. The tears just flowed down like no one's business. Cascading down my cheeks before being absorbed by my towel.

I think talking to her helped. I stopped crying much faster than I normally would. And I didn't feel that tinge of leftover sadness I would if I tried to suppress my tears. When I was certain I was really fine, I told her. And I said thank you.

Then two days ago, online, she asked me if I was okay. Not that she started the conversation or what, just during the process of talking itself. Then just yesterday night, like 2 hours ago to be exact, I asked her if she had the course or not. To see if we should cancel the outing. I was pretty much ready to cancel it already. Just tired of the lack of energy, enthusiasm, and the fact that getting this whole outing together is so bloody tiring.

When she didn't reply after half an hour, I talked to Veron. After like 15 minutes, she finally replied and we both agreed to cancel the whole thing. So I smsed Anna, then told Miss Ma that she didn't have to answer me already. The Thursday outing was cancelled. Sianz.

What I didn't expect was her to sms me. Jiajun actually replying an msn message with an sms!! How rare could it get.

"Hey Girl (haha she actually bothered), sorry was bathing just now. Dun feel sianz lah.. Tell u wad let's meet one day jus 2 of us!"

My reply: "Haha. No la. Not sian entirely because can't get everyone to go. Also because this whole week so busy.. So I want to rest at home lor."

Surprisingly.. She didn't stop there. She was sincere..

"Okie, we meet after ur camp next week kae! Muz hor! Before u start uni. Even if sat, ask papaya and watermelon get lost. Give miss ma a day. Hahaa.."

I feel so touched.

Is it because she ever felt so sad she could not spend enough time with her bestest best friend too? It doesn't matter. She's really going the distance to make me feel better. Love her for that.

Ultra-delayed pics

I shall once again.. try to upload the rest of the early morning (still) out photos

something's really nice.. I can't remember what

yum yum...

my obsession with sepia

the castle where sleeping beauty err.. sleeps.

just a little bit more....

I locked the sun out!

I honestly have a penchant for making him look good

lonely man on the hilltop?

...SUCCESS!!!

Tonghai

" Hey, suddenly feel that u are the only person who is really nice to me, except my family members.. So, THANK YOU!! Dont reply!" - Tonghai

Haha. Our friendship is only growing stronger.. Is that a good thing or bad thing? I am thankful that platonic friendships have officially been proven. But platonic friendships also become easily at risk with the addition of non-platonic relationships.

I treasure this friendship. But will I lose the courage to accept new relationships to protect this one? Strength be me to find out.

SECC 2006

Haha. Ok the whole thing was damn FUN. Best camp I've ever had. I just shouldn't have slept that half hour on the last morning. Stoopid mistake. Made me so tired and gave me a HUGE headache. The discomfort was so huge I just kept tearing, until I finally cried. But at least the crying drained away the headache.

But also cried because the whole thing was coming to an end. When I reached home and read their comments, I started crying again. Oh well.. Sheares going first choice seemed the right decision for sure now. Very cliche but oh well. X MEN ROCKS!!

Interesting observation

It's so amazing isn't it. NO MATTER how late I sign in, Jiajun wil ALWAYS ALWAYS sign in later than me. Even if I purposely waited till waaaaaaaaay past my normal signing in time. And she'll sign in like 3 minutes after I've signed in. It's as though she purposely appears offline or blocks me off until I come online than appear online after waiting for a moment. I look forward to the day when she actually sees "first_cloud has signed in".

Ah ma not happy..

Miss Ma seemed upset yesterday.. Maybe because it was her last day at NIE and she really loved the whole time there.

Last night, I was rambling off random stuff, and she didn't reply. Only occasional oks and stuff to not make her look like she's not listening. Then suddenly she said she's going offline. I think she either just blocked me off, or she went offline to cry. I don't know which. Either way, she just didn't really want to communicate.

What could I do man? Just act as though nothing happened and continue being chirpy. I honestly could have told her to cheer up and not be sad. But I didn't want to act as though I knew her very well. Cos obviously I don't. I can just read signs well that's all. And if she wanted me to know, she'll tell me. No point asking either.

Bleah. Ah ma, I hope you'll cheer up soon. Your smile will light up the days of more people than you know.

Some morbid fear

Damn it! I'm suddenly overcome with a morbid fear of losing Jun Zhan and Chee Fung. I don't know how the daydream started out as well..

Most likely my big stand-off with HIM at the carpark of Swiss Cottage. I have no idea why they are there, but either that, or some terrorist attack and they're deployed to bring down the situation.

Jun Zhan blocks a bullet for me. And he lies on the asphalt ground with his blood forming a pool beneath him and he takes short, sharp breaths and doesn't say anything, just looking at nothing in particular, but eyes fixed in a certain direction. I scream "No!" and rush to his side and promise him that he'll be alright, that he'll pull through.

And Chee Fung, in all his anger and rage for the terrorist, picks up a machine gun from the ground and charges at the smirking terrorist, only to have a bullet through his chest. I spin my head around in time only to see Chee Fung falling to the ground with his arms wide opened.

The impact of me losing two of my closest friends hit me straight hard, and causes me to lose my footing as I stumble and crawl towards Chee Fung. "Oh my god.. Not you too!" And I go over and hold his hand, as he tries to breathe and not choke from the blood pouring from his throat.

My sobs become bigger as I become more incoherent. My vision is blurred. And all I can think of is my two beloved friends, watching them slip away from my hands.

I lose my mind too. And picked up Chee Fung's gun and charged towards the terrorist, absorbing every shot he puts through me, feeling no pain in return. "Go to hell you son of a bitch!" And sent a single bullet boring through his brain. He falls back stunned. And my world blacks out.

I don't know what should happen to me after that. I don't know if I want to wake up, and face the deaths of the two people who made my happiest moments in life. But I also don't know if I want to just go and join them below or above. It's just cowardice of me. I feel so inclined towards the latter, but I'll be sacrificing the happiness of those around me for my own happiness.

I love to say that I live for me, myself and I. But I know the truth is that there are people out there who depend on me for lots of stuff. Just thinking about my family. Oh goodness. Let's not.

"Bless me with you ideas"

zeminith says:
bless me with your ideas :)

Hahaha. Oh my dear watermelon..

stupid pessimism

Argh! I've got this stupid attitude going on.. GO AWAY!!! And for some weird reason I feel so pessimistic about getting another boyfriend. I know that there will be guys falling for me. But just how much will it take for me to fall in love again?!

you took my heart away. please.. give it back..

Early morning (still) out

lonely man climbing the stairs

cubism

window to the world

forgotten

big foot

alien talking to giant

Empty, quiet, still street.. peace

Reflections 1

Reflections 2

Window to a different world

Suntec City with all its glory


letter in the skies

graffiti (how do you spell it again?!)

look at that! (Nah.. there's nothing there.)

looks like the letter is longer than we thought..

rivals or partners?!