Words

Hm.. There are some things I feel like saying to some people, but I guess I never would. Guess what this blog's for :)

There are only two other people who I know sees such a great need to be right as you. One is my mother, and the other is me.

I, am working on it. Allowing myself to be corrected, and listening to others. Enjoying life at its present, and bathing in the luxury of what God is giving me. Letting life take control instead of trying to be on top of everything.

My mum, well, she is my mother. I just nod and agree. You can say I respect her, or that I can't be bothered anymore. Either way, I just let her have her way.

But you, are not my mother or me.

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I don't know why I feel so pressured to behave in a certain way when I'm with you. I know that there is a certain protocol to observe in society, but none I heard of that insists on a change in character.

Possibly cos you have not been saved, and are seldom around people who are. That you refuse to let me be who I am.

I feel suppressed, suffocated, uneasy and restricted when I'm with you. Forced to be someone you think I should be, resulting in me saying and doing things that are weird and incomprehensible.

Ha. Even I don't understand what I'm doing.

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Let's just keep our distance from each other for now

Funny people on earth

This is the day the Lord has made!
We will rejoice and be glad in it

Woohoo! Christmas came early!

Thank you dear Lord, for coming home.

Two lions and a house

Old Chinese houses always have a pair of stone lions in front of their main door. These lions act as guards to drive away bad guys.

So there was this General who had to leave his house for battle. To prevent thieves and rude salesmen, he erected a pair of stone lions at the front of his house. Indeed, the ferocious glare in the their eyes drove many away.

And with a peace of mind, the general set off for battle with his soldiers.

Not long after the General left, the two lions started quarrelling. As the days went by, the quarrels got worse. Soon, the intimidating looks in their eyes disappeared, and petty thieves started crawling out.

The servants in the house, too, started getting unruly. One maid would sneak out for a tryst with her Bangladeshi boyfriend, another would go to the market to gossip for hours, and even the manservants would bring their little mistresses to the house.

The youngest maid there couldn't take it anymore. So the naive girl went out to the front door, and started talking to the lions. The sun rose and the sun set. Nothing was resolved. One thinks that he is the victim, and the other insists he is a man of principles.

A quarrel is never between two people. The two lions are the ones having the fight. But it is the house who suffers.

It is all up to the General to save things when he comes back.

I saw him today. It was seriously so long ago but my heart skipped a beat. More of a shock, I hope. Hm.. how many times have this happened? Two? Three? Each time it feels as though I am the only one with the reaction. I don't even know if he noticed me. Or I am a longer forgotten fragment of the past.

Haiz. What's wrong with me..?

Bleah. Auntie, wanted to send you an email. But then hee.. It sounded silly of me..

So.. I blogged. So at least you get to read it, and you can choose whether or not to reply. (Just in case you find it tiresome/boring/repetitive/draggy..)

Darn. I need a man!

I did an absurd thing

I did an absurd thing last Thursday.

It was the date of submission for my report of one of my modules. Printed the report once, and sent it for binding. Oh crap. Checked the report and the page numbers were damn off la. Aligned to the left. Don't know who did it like that. Yeah yeah. Blame myself as well for not checking earlier.

Went up to the library, printed it again, and headed to co-op to have it binded again. OH CRAP. The lady's not there! In place, a sign that read "Lunch. 2.15pm." BEWILDERMENT.

All panicky, I went up to the co-op cashier and asked her if the lady will only be back at 2.15 or earlier, if I could just use the machine and leave the money there. All she replied was "I don't know, she didn't say anything. She's all alone." CRAP.

So I threw my common sense in the air and walked behind the counter and turned on the machine, and started using it myself. Boy am I glad I ever worked in a small office. Even though it's now electronic, wahaha, I still know how to use it.

And so I was just using it happily, when the lady came back. Whoa the look on her face was classic. Just that I didn't have time to pay her attention.

[In chinese] "Why are you using it yourself?"

"Sorry. I really don't have the time. I'm in a rush. I'll pay you."

Then she took over from there, and I paid for the binding, even though it was the same old one from the previous report and ran away.

Darn. I am so not going back there for a loooooooooooooooooooong time.

Me and my nice jacket

Interesting things have been happening since I started wearing my beige jacket to school. A lot of people keep asking why I wear so formal.

Is it really very formal??

I just thought it was a nice jacket to wear. And the other time when I wore it for a presentation, I was thinking how informal it is la. And this colour doesn't go with black bottoms..





Yo man. I'm just wearing cos it's cold. Haha. But it comes in handy when there are presentations around. :)

Speaking of which, need to go get more presentation clothes! Haiyo. Just went to body shop the other day and spent $70 plus on makeup. Darn.

But oh wellz. All necessities. That's for not going for JC prom and refusing makeup for secondary school prom. Haiz. Have to spend sooner or later anyway..

Need to earn money soon man! Can't wait for December hols. :)

Oh. And the next time I wear my jacket, Howard, please don't stare. :)

Reflections

I always thought I had very little. I always wanted more. I wanted more of everything. More pocket money, more shoes, more clothes, more snacks, more reserves, more resources.

I always felt I didn't enough. Yeah true, my pocket money is pathetic, but besides that, I always thought that everything I had was not quite there.

Even now in my "I want to.." list, I have quite a number of "I want to buy..." items.

Then today I realised.. I actually have a lot.

I realised that I have more love than I could ever want from my Abba Father, I have more love that I could ever wish from my family, I have more money than I need in my bank account, I have enough shoes for casual and formal wear at home and in hall, I have enough clothes to live one week at home and one week in hall, I have so many things that are way more than enough.

What was it about me that made me wanting more? What is it about me that made me realise I already have enough?

I guess that how people go. We never realise how much we have till we don't have.. I guess if all along I had pocket money that was plenty, I wouldn't realise how precious it is to see my pigeon hole filled with snacks, or how nice it is to have more than 5 sets of clothings, or know how satisfying it is to earn for what I want.

True, sometimes I do envy my friends. How easily they can have what they want just by asking., while I have to pray and find some way to work for it. And sometimes it is really irritating to see how pampered they are, and yet they still complain incessantly, while I am making the best out of my situation and thinking how much more worse it can get. Like sometimes, I just look at them and I really see how life can be unfair.

But hey, if my dad didn't bring me up this way, I probably won't be able to appreciate the finer things in life, or be so independent. I probably won't be so perfectionistic, or putting in so much effort to the things that I do. Haiz. I probably won't jump when my parents start talking to each other.

Oh wellz. I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather be the person I am now than the pampered people some of my friends are. And I have to admit, I'd rather my dad bring me up to be a person people rely on, then to be a person who needs others..

I love candles!

I don't know why. But I just do.. Get so fascinated with them every time..

Hehe.. So pretty..

My first pedicure experience!

Haha. A bit late.. This post was due like one and half weeks ago.. But finally managed to go for a pedicure with mum. Haha. And she spent $900++ on a year-long package which included a $196 treatment she had to soften the sole of her feet.

Feel quite bad actually.. Got her to go for the treatment cos of her "corn field", then got her to go for the package cos without it, that session alone for the two of us would cost her $288. Bleah. I love my mother, but I really can make her spend!

The very nice lady (her name is Shirley) who did my pedicure.

Haha. Reading my legal textbook while having the pedicure :)

Pumped by caffeine

Thank God for caffeine! Keeps a beached whale like me alive :)

Hello hello!

Hahaha. Wanted to say Hi in a South Afrikan language. But there are too many around that I don't know which to use..

Ok. Welcome one and all. This is my blog. Blogging is something quite common over here in Singapore, and we've got people earning a living from their blogs.

Like, for example,

www.xiaxue.blogspot.com and www.mrbrownshow.com

I use my blog as an outlet to shout out what I want to say, and sometimes to tell my friends stuff. It's kind of a way of keeping contact, especially when we're separated by 4 hours and 10000 miles.

My blog is not really representative of what Singaporeans' blogs are like. Other people have loads of links to their friends' blogs and photos of themselves. But I'm seriously not a cam whore (I hate cam whores actually), and the rare photos that you see of me up here are pretty much 90% of all the photos I have of myself.

But that's just me. Every other Singaporean is probably the opposite of me.

I'll try to upload stuff whenever I can, so that hopefully you can have a longer glimpse into the life of a not-so-average-but-quite-so-ordinary Singaporean, and hopefully we can help you in your project, and you help us in ours!

Back to school

Went out with the boys and Nuria yesterday to nj (then orchard). Haha. Purposely wore the dry-fit nj shirt back so that I won't get stopped for nothing. (I still look 16 at most)

My goodness. When I went in, nothing changed! Same parade square, same atrium, same facade, same road, same guardhouse, same containers, same staircase, same slope same everything!

HUGE wave of nostalgia. All that was missing was the people and noise from my time, and the feeling of wearing my soft full grey with my pony tail again. (Mine's passed down so I didn't have to wear gunny sacks to school in the first few months)

same old parade square

same old fountain garden

oh. this stairway is not so the same. They did some art work to it

same old art works on the wall

same old first floor of the arts block

One thing that I'm damn glad did not change though. Was the darkroom. My favourite place on earth. (Second only to home).

Haha papaya and watermelon. Shunning the camera as usual.

same old darkroom wall (with adjoining door to AR21)

same old back wall and curtains

same old chairs (now they use it to climb up and turn on the air-con)

same old darkroom table and sinks (I wouldn't have got this if they knew I was shooting)

same old (but highly unused) enlargers - alpha, beta, gamma (nicknames given by Jun Zhan)

same old level 2 of the arts block

and our dear trophy that we brought back! Standing tall and proud (and huge). Feel happy just knowing it's there.

Studio shoot photos

Oh. Here are the studio shoot photos I took with my mum..

Enjoy while you still have the chance.

Block S

Two of my block mates and I were talking (nonsense) after tutorial earlier today about how the C-shua shua and C seh seh cheer belong to Block C cos they start with the letter C. (Actually it's Si shua shua and Si seh seh). Then I was just babbling aloud about how it actually starts with S instead and should belong to Block S.

Hm.. Block S..

Shearites from Block A are called Acers, from Block B are called Beekers, C-Towners, DeeBlockers and Eekers.. What will Shearites from Block S be called??

.

.

.

.

.

.

S-HOLES!

Hahaha. And all those tua kang (means big hole, which means talk big/make empty promises/no-substance talk) people in hall can go to Block S! Those who are not so tua kang, just normal kang can be just normal S-holes. those who are super tua kang can be big S-holes!

Haha. Big hole wat. So big holes from Block S makes Big S-holes!

Ouch. Can you imagine the block head of Block S? He'll be an S-hole block head.. Worse. He'll be THE S-hole block head..

Haha. One of my block mates even said the S-holes can all live on their level 8. But there will be nothing under it. Haha. Cos they all tua kang. Talk about building castles in the air..

Hey Edward, Block B has only seven levels because of you le.. Want to consider Block S instead??

p.s. I realised S-hole starts with S-h.. But in no way do I mean Sheares Hall. Block S is merely a figment of my imagination. :)

Looking through the hole..

Hm.. Haha. Realised I haven't been posting happy things for quite a while.

Finally went to church again just yesterday, and Pastor said that the first place that the devil attacks is the mind. Come to think of it, all the unhappiness, the cares and concerns, the worries and moodiness.. The devil has shot lots of thoughts into my head alright. And I HAD fallen deeply into his trap.

NO MORE.

So sorry auntie, for making you worry all the way in Otago. Haha, and so sorry to all the rest who found this blog a bit repetitive.

Anywayz. Happy posts!

One week ago, just after SWOC I think. Can't remember which day.. Friday I think. 10 August 2007. I was shitting in the toilet, when my handphone rang. (It's coincidence. 99% of the time, I don't bring my phone into the toilet)

And I got this call from this Malay lady who was saying a lot of things but I couldn't hear cos I was concentrating on the other end of my body. But as all effective marketing people go, she managed to get her message across (amid plops and splashes. Hehe I couldn't resist.)

The thing was, I was sort of offered this complimentary photo shoot at this studio called Snapz image, complete with make up and hair styling. And I can bring my whole family along for this thing. And at the end of it all, I'll get two photos of my choice in a CD-ROM.

Hey, good idea. We don't really have a lot of 全家福s (a total of.. hm.. 2?) lying around. And even if we have to pay for it in the end, no harm.. right?

But my dad thought it was a scam, and my brother couldn't make it on the last minute so in the end, only me and my mother went. And so we did. Obviously after the whole shoot and everything they tried to sell us this and sell us that. Haha. That poor guy was trying not to tell us the price of the package even though we kept asking him. (It was $2588!)

But too bad for them, they bumped into the most stubborn customer of all time.. Me! And no matter what they said, or how they said it. I said no. Haha. Too bad. So I just chose two lor and Lesley (the name of the poor consultant who got us) burnt it into a CD and gave it to me.

But I forgot to bring it to hall! Darn. Else I'll definitely post the photos up.

After the shoot, we headed down to Aunty Pat's house. Wahahaha. Finally saw Uncle Terence after.. Hm.. 17 years? Hahaha. Cos I seriously don't remember seeing him at all. So it's gotta be reaaally long ago. And I got Timothy's msn! Hehe. Any flashing green lights out there who don't mind waiting for a red light to change colour?? Singapore sure is small. Turns out he knows who Cass is too. But apparently, she didn't tell her cell group mates she was going on Work and Travel and they were all wondering what happened to her.

And the best part of the day! We went to Kuishin Bo for my mum's belated birthday dinner. That restaurant is so popular la.. We tried to reserve seats but they were fully booked and we had to queue up 45 minutes to get in.

While waiting, one of the staff took out a plate of squids-on-stik and started offering it to those waiting in the queue. My mother was won over that very instant.

And it so happened that it is the fireworks festival season! While waiting for a cab back home, we managed to enjoy a one-eighth view of the fireworks show. Hahaha.

So pretty right!!

Life and its nuances

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I've got a bruise on my back next to my spine. And it's giving me troubles. I keep getting giddy spells as and when, and it's seriously getting irritating. Get down from the bus, giddy. Climb three steps, giddy. Look up in the sky, giddy. Sianz. Someone without no bruise near the spine whatsoever tell me this happens to you too.. Please!



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It's funny how sometimes what you learn in life just keeps being proven wrong. Like how you went through a big trauma to learn a fact or many facts about life, the people around you and yourself, but only to be proven wrong at the end of it all.

A part of me wants to stick to what I know and refuse to change what I went through so much to learn and understand, yet a part of me wants to let go of this hard-gotten knowledge and just take the leap of faith.

I guess I went through a lot of arguing with myself before I am finally writing this.. A HUGE part of me just wanted to put up my old, stubborn answer, defences, attitude and all. Because those were the stuff that I learnt I must have to protect myself.

Yet another part of me wanted to ditch that irritating bit of me (haha. you (you know who you are) are not the only one who finds it appaling) and try to gain back that big part of my life I lost.

That night when my weaknesses were listed out one by one (actually it just boiled down to one, right?), I realised that I had reverted back to my old self. But it was a lot more than that. I just couldn't pinpoint it out when my heart was threatening to thump out of my chest.

It was not the first time people said that to me. And it was definitely not the first time they told me what to do. But something felt wrong when I heard it, and I felt that I had something to say that what you saw me was not how I was.

A resolution to be a better person has definitely been around. And it has been around for a freaking long time. All the advice on how to go about it, I've been working on it for 2 years, I think. I even wrote a poem on it la. In a book that is sort of my diary.

Maybe I watch myself only around people who are strangers, or people whom I really really care for. But either way, I find myself keeping my resolutions around only some people..

I guess I had really gotten used to not having that big part of my life, and I was already not enjoying your company like I used to. Probably it was a case of different frequencies, that when your doors are opened, my doors are closed, and when mine are opened, yours are closed. In the end, you feel that you're just giving on your part, when actually I was just having that feeling too.

I agree with you that it is my own mental barrier that I have to go through, but I cannot agree that I want you to live the way I want you to. I was badly hurt by you many times before, and now you still ask that I change and work for your trust and friendship. I ask that I won't be hurt again, that's all.. But you say that I am insisting you live the way I want you to, when I don't even dare feel that you are insisting I change just to suit you.

Haha. Probably you still don't know how much of a loser I am. But all I need is a sentence of "I won't hurt you again" and that would be all. I don't need actions, I don't need anything else. Even an empty promise will do. Haha. I am such a freaking loser.

But it would still be wonderful for you to mean it when you say it. At least I know that even if you do hurt me again, you never meant it.

Oh well. For things to come to such a state for you and me. I don't know what to say also. I guess I could only go back to how you knew me as I were right at the beginning and just give both of us a chance to let this work out one more time. I know I cannot work towards gaining your friendship and trust back, or even having the hope of a happy ending kinda thing cos I know I definitely cannot take it if it fails.

Maybe you can just give up a friendship just like that if it doesn't work out, but I guess that is something too precious for me to just let go. And I don't want to just hit the bottom level and do everything I can to make you happy. Which is what I am very prone to doing.

I have no doubts that everything might just work out in the end, but as you said, it is still a mental barrier I have to overcome.

So yup. Everything will go back to the beginning. And how it takes off from there, we'll just leave it to God. All the best for both of us.

p.s. Haha. I don't even know if you actually read my blog..

Just this one post and I'll move on

Told her I got ponded and got a mocking laugh from her. Sigh.

Played with her and she told me don't play already. But she'll play the very same game with another person. And she looked like she's having fun. Sigh.

She'll talk to others and tell them stuff. But say it's nothing when I ask. Sigh.

Will only talk to me and tell me stuff if I go find her first and talk to her, ask her and tell her stuff first. Sigh.

Will play and have fun with others. Will never do that with me. Now at least. Sigh.

Will go home with others. Forgot about me. I'm not the only one staying.. Sigh.

There was a point in time when I was happy she'll even speak to me. How loser could I be?

Forget it. Life is more than just this one friendship alone..

Short talk

oh my goodness these few days it's so freaking tired! I am so ready for a 24-hour nap now. I have just passed my fourth night of less-than-4-hours-sleep and I think I'm ready to die. Which I probably would if I don't get a 12-hour night in like really soon. Like tonight.

Whoa si seh seh alright. No continuation after that. Just super seh.

p.s. From now till you hear from me again, many things would have happened, but it might not be updated here. OR I have already died (from lack of sleep). But don't think too much. It's probably the first case happening.

Reminiscing (if I spelt it right)

I guess that when something is a big part of your life, and you care for it a lot, it'll take a lot more than usual to just let go. It's not just the whole thing, but bits and pieces of it even when you're immersed in it.

I'll just say that it's not something I'll just forget when it's over, and it's definitely a time when I look back and I'll just laugh to myself.

Don't forget me. Whether it's now or later. Haha cos I know I won't.

Coming soon...

I can't wait for it! Out of sight out of mind out of my life out of all the troubles!

moi Hong Kong trip

Yay! Finally took a plane after like 10 plus years? Haha. Shiok!

Flew all the way to the Pearl of the Orient.. Hong Kong!

With my dearest mother..!

Haha. No photos though. Didn't bring my phone or camera over. But it's really 买东西，吃东西，买东西，吃东西。。

And for 3 days and 2 nights, whew! Quite a packed trip alright..

And spent really quite a bit.. Haha.

But retail therapy aside, felt good that I went with my mother.. Finally told her what has been bothering me all this while, and suddenly brought her so much into my life on the last night we were there.

Haha. Both of us squeezed into one of the single beds on the last night and she ta-ta me to sleep like how she used to when I was a kid. That felt good.. I love you mum!

And just for that one night alone..

HONG KONG ROCKS!

my true friend test

Create your own Friend Test here

Haha. I wanted do a difficult test.. But I can't really think of much difficult questions.. So many are just giveaways.

I think I don't know myself that well either. Bleah.

Enjoy!

Pissed. Damn it!

Happy boys and happy girls.. you think?

Sian diao. So many things I want to say, but I just can't say it. Cos so many people know about this stupid *&%#! blog.

Who was the asshole who discovered it in the first place??

If only, if only.. How different my blog would be now if only..