Writing a diary builds humility

I remember my early attempts at writing a diary when I was a kid. Taking literally the instructions of people further in life, I wrote down the exact happenings of the day earlier. It was almost a transcription of real life minus the feelings, thoughts and emotions.

I remember an entry sparked by a random inspiration to write and fill up a new notebook, and thinking that the day had not turned out the perfect way I think all things should be. So I re-wrote that day's history to how I want future generations to see it. And then mum read it.

I remember her asking me why I wrote things that way when they happened another way and I shrugged it off with a clumsy "Aiyah, just anyhow write la", receiving a sharp "How can anyhow write one" in return.

I remember thinking obviously that was not the real reason and what was real could not be told.

Writing a diary is stripping yourself naked and looking at your own body in the mirror. Your imperfect body parts, awkward proportions, random blemishes all staring back at you without any disguises. You have to face it and take it head on or you'll never know what the body can do beyond standing there as it is.

Writing a diary builds humility. It makes you admit you are the way you are.

Tweetfest!

Just thought I'd concentrate all my microblog posts here.

I need to have more running away dreams. I am running slower and getting caught already!

Bliss is having a pair of strong arms to hold you tight.

Rain is the biggest blessing from Heaven.

Being able to shit when you should is awesome!

Why does my dad smell like a baby?

I can't get enough of idol dramas!

Escapism is my heroin.

Give me a few more episodes and I'll give a damn good review of the The Family Court.

Channel 8 dramas hasn't seen such quality.. in a while!

I am just totally itching to carry a baby.

Hi Dav

Well Dav, I think you should find out the whole story before you decide what's a shame. Thank you and your cell very much for praying for me, but I hold on to the belief that it's nothing more than a hypocritical act that he is praying for me.

I have learnt from before, during and after the trip that he is good with words, with professing his love for God and doing things that benefit only himself, then proclaiming it in God's name.

It is true that I hate him, and it's not as easy to let go as you say it is. I am praying, definitely. But don't simplify the whole matter and the hurt I've experienced.

I cannot, anymore, think that there is anyone more in his heart than he and himself. I have seen too much that even when I intentionally close my eyes, I am still blinded. And in no surprise at all, the person who gave the final blow was he himself.

You may think that post was hurting to read as a friend of his, but what brought you to this blog in the first place? You and I, who never met? Do you know what happened on my side of the computer before I finally wrote it out? Did you think it was just a post immaturely written without a blink of an eye?

But don't be mistaken I am leading an angry and hateful life. I am happy, yes. The various unhappy episodes throughout all the time I've known him have finally stopped playing in mind, no doubt in part thanks to you and your cell's prayer :)

But if you ask me now, I still have absolutely no wish of seeing and talking to him. His actions and words have overwhelmingly convinced me that he is the centre of his world, and anything else is only to raise himself higher on his own pedestal.

I have been emotionally beaten up by him, and I know better than to let myself be hurt by him once more, and somehow this is something I know will definitely happen should he start appearing in my life again.

If you think that this is not true, and I am biased, I do not deny. But I know I have not jumped to conclusions. I am just choosing to protect myself and preventing me from pulling myself back into that abyss of anguish.

We both have our sides of the story, and you might be better acquainted with his side. Don't bother sharing it with me, though. I am sick, and tired, of hearing him explain himself.

Why I'm writing this to you, simply is because my blog is my shout-out, and sometimes, that is what I need to do. I am not talking to people about this, you know. And really, your comments are just pulling me back to what I'm trying to leave behind. If you think that I'm immature, inconsiderate, conceited, and everything else bad (or in his words, sinful), then please kindly refrain from this page. It will do the both of us good.

God bless you too :)

Pink flower

Pretty pink flower, lovely pastel hue.
Daintily imprinted, invisibly dyed.
Drawn to grow upwards.
Or downwards however you see.

Wonder. What child could that have been.

The cat behind the door

From the story: The Dog Behind the Window

The girl came home one day, and the tabby cat knew everything has changed. The girl had a longing and passion in her eyes it never knew - the tabby was no longer number one.

Six years ago, the tabby remembered being lifted out of a box to a riot of pastel colours and the squeals of a girl. It remembered staring into the girl's face long and hard before timidly allowing a meow to escape from its mouth, the tightness of the hugs that slowly became reassuring, and the knowing touch of the girl as she ran her fingers down its body. Everything has changed.

It finally knew why. The door flung open one day, and an excited labrador bounded into the sitting room. The cat saw the fire in the girl's eyes, and smelt the joy that filled the air; a kind of festivity that never occupied the house. The dog was adorable alright. It made friends with the tabby, and willingly shared its bed and mistress. But the tabby knew the girl would never share her heart equally between the two.

Slowly by slowly the cat ventured out of the house, as slowly by slowly the bond between the girl and dog grew. Little by little the cat familiarised itself with the dangers beyond the house, and little by little the girl got used to not seeing the cat. Eventually the tabby left the house for the final time, taking along only memories and the collar bestowed on it by the girl.

Hunger set in with the rise of the moon, and the cat decided to scavenge an unclaimed dumpster. It licked up all that looked edible before choosing a corner for the night. In the forgotten alley of rank and dirt, the cat's breath peacefully weakened as the street lights dimmed from its open eyes. It hung on to the memories only the girl shared, and smiled its final smile as its life left into the silent night.

Of lids, bags and rings

Opened my eyes this morning pleasantly surprised time had waited for me. Finally found that dormant drive in me to do something regardless of state of mind. It has been a while. Everything has been a while. Since Beauty and the Beast was a movie, since Britney broke up with Timberlake, since I touched a camera, since I wore a school uniform. What will the next shower bring?

Imagination 2

I am deeply inspired by beautiful writing to produce something of equal standard. But my mind is blank. I have no opinions on the ongoing youth olympics, or the disastrous floods in Pakistan, or the pesky politicking of North Korea. My mind is a silent abyss of nothingness. Perhaps a quick recount of one of my various daydreams would be an easy way out.

I often try to keep my cool to the best of my abilities when someone steps on my toes. Some people do not understand, and when you move your feet away, they delightfully take a step forward to rest their shoes on yours. Latent anger often accumulates to ignite at a time well after the event and often when I am without company.

I know of one such person, together with twenty other like-minded people. And I can't help but picture a day when he gladly imposes himself on a gathering planned deliberately without him. He is not unaware of his socially jarring ways, but does so anyway to dispense healthy doses of discomfort. Group members quickly shoot each other uneasy glances as he sets out to relive unhappy memories.

He blabbers on in rhetorical questions and attempts to explain his transgressions in falsely confident ways, while everyone else tries to tell him in perfect body language that his presence was a complete nuisance. I, unsuccessfully suppress a smile as my eyes play a daydream on him.

Eventually someone notices and asks for the reason of my delight. I snap out of my trance, jump to my feet and declare to all who would hear, "I'm sorry, everybody. I am having awesome fantasies of kicking him in the balls. Please excuse me, before I really do."

I can't imagine for sure how the reaction from the rest will be, but I know with absolute certainty: blogging this scene out is one hell of a cathartic moment.

Where would you be?

If you were given a choice to be anywhere in the world today, where would you be?

Eric Khoo replied Singapore instantaneously.

Would I have chosen the same?

In all honesty I am inclined to name a temperate country.

Where everything is foreign, and family becomes a shelter.
History does not burden, while memories do not fade.
Most importantly, the weather does not frustrate.

But if Singapore were to have today's weather all year round, I do think that home is still the best place on earth.

My Dad is awesome

I truly appreciated Dad's way of parenting over the weekend. I had decided on what furniture I wanted since June courtesy of Ikea's 2010 catalogue and website. Dad always distrusted Ikea but he freely said ok when I told him of my choices.

At Ikea, I took a wrong turn and we walked a long way. Dad said nothing and just walked ahead of me (for a man sixty years old, he walks damn freaking fast). Finally I reached the bedroom section and showed him the chest of drawers I was eyeing but was supposedly out of stock, according to Ikea's hotline.

He said "Ok la, just get this."
Me: But it's out of stock.
Dad: Never mind. Just tell the salesman you want it and see what he says.
Me: Orh... Excuse me!

And I miraculously got the order!

Back at home when we were assemblying the furniture. Dad let me do most of the work with a teacher's patience, making sure that I knew how to do it more than what to do and watching my back for everything.

Then when we were fixing up the chest of drawers, I accidentally made an irreversible dent on the top. My reaction was a gawk and a remark "!!! Just like that???!!!". Dad just looked on without a change in expression. No reprimand or reproach. Just a reassuring look that says "It's ok."

Instantly recalling how mum would use a pen to tap on my head and ask "Why are you so stupid?", I felt so immensely grateful for Dad and his way of parenting.

My Dad is awesome :)

Pseudo urban myths

Do you think that if I rolled out a few statements off the top of my head assertively and authoritatively, people might actually take truth in it?

Let's try.

Computers are made to spoil, otherwise money won't roll in for the big techies.

Handphone radiation was just a concept by the pager companies. They were trying to keep competition off their backs.

Strawberries have been found to cure cancer, but scientists rejected it cos they think the solution is too simple to be true.

Japan and Germany surrendered during WWII only because they had the guaranteed promise of USA to be the no. 2 and 3 economies for the next fifty years thereafter.

Society is degrading because people in the past were hired just to think. Now people are hired just to do.

Theatre came before novels cos people learnt to speak before they learnt to read.

If you travel into a black hole faster than the speed of light, you will enter the fifth dimension.

Wireless internet has made the world more daring, but more stupid.

It is cheaper to live in Singapore than in Korea because we don't have winter.

The government will announce a marriage bonus, then a dating bonus as they start to realise the baby bonus seriously does not work.

Facebook will be bought over by Google in time to come, at a never-before-heard price that will spell the biggest acquisition that will spell the biggest failure in the IT business.

The confidential military files on wikileaks come from Google.

Google earns most of its revenue from their espionage deals. The only real business in the search engine field is Yahoo.

The Chinese-accented English is actually the most common accent on the face of the Earth.

Do you think any of these might one day become urban myths?

So much for a gracious Singapore

YOG is here. And motorists have to give way to them. This, the news showed that we have done with a video of vehicles parting in a sea of traffic.

It was an unusually moving video for a country infamous for rude and impatient drivers. Positioned at the front in a YOG bus, the footage showed how vehicles began flashing their signals one by one to clear the way for the looming bus behind. How touching.

And then, the report ended with a non-chalant statement that "All drivers who do not give way to YOG vehicles will be fined $130".

Poof! Singapore is once again a country full of unscrupulous, selfish and all things obnoxious drivers.

Is the fine absolutely necessary?

Come on, tell me. What is the penalty for not giving way to an ambulance? Or a fire engine? Or a police car? Do you know do you know? I know you might get summoned. And I know, dead sure, what the penalty is for not giving way to YOG vehicles.

The government has that much faith in us, huh. Totally makes me wanna obstruct a YOG vehicle in defiance. Ptewy.

A colour blind Singapore

For quite some time now, I have been thinking of the possibility of a colour blind Singapore. A point in time and from then onwards when I look at a fellow Singaporean and I see only a fellow Singaporean.

I fully understand why politics in Singapore had to be run along racial lines early into independence. We had no sense of nationalism, and we were at best a patchwork of cultures. We were kicked out by Malaysia, our independence was shoved down our throats and we can only take it from there trying not to look back.

But now the red dot has done it. We've proven our worth in the global economy, somehow became the leader of Southeast Asia (I mean, what would SEA do without Singapore??), and is the island four million proud Singaporeans call home.

Just to prove my point. My granddad came from China, and I would love to visit Swatow one day, but I don't see myself holding anything more than a tourist visa. And I am damn proud that we have left Malaysia to play catch up even though they were the ones who were obviously at a better advantage in the beginning. Take that Tunkus something something I forgot your names!

And this tropical island has moved on. I think our politics should too. I didn't really understand the big fuss about the double-barrelled race thing, or why MM Lee said Singapore is still not ready for a non-Chinese Prime Minister. Aren't we all Singaporeans?

I know it is difficult for us to look past our skin colours, I sometimes do that too. That Channel 8 is the most popular channel here isn't helping.

Surely there will be salient racial characteristics. The beautiful eyes of Indians and Malays, usually fair skin of the Chinese, acquiline features of Eurasians, occasional accents, and our various linguistic abilities. I wish that this is as far as it will go.

My dream for Singapore is simple. It will be that when we look at another person, we will not see the stereotypes on them and we will not be affected by what we know of the country their grandparents originate. Everyone grew up on the same soil, maybe some on reclaimed land, sing the same national anthem, recite the same pledge, and love the ndp song "Home". The guys served the same army, and the girls talked about the guys who served the same army. Why should skin colour change anything?

I wish Singapore would stop being described as a multi-racial, multi-ethnic, multi whatever country. We are a small country of 4 million citizens (so small that those 9 letters are really why you can spot us on the map), often known as the garden city, with safety so incredible you can walk out alone in the middle of the night and still be unharmed (please don't take it for granted). We are not perfect and we know it. But we are 4 million Singaporeans. Period.

Exodus

Fell ill over the weekend. Totally cowered under my blanket for the whole of Sunday. Left a lingering bitter taste in my mouth for the whole of Monday.

Went to work today. Noticed a wake at a block near my office. Noticed it was a different person from last week. This time, it was a granny. Saw that the granny had young grandchildren (her photo did look quite young anyway), and their parents had brought them to the wake.

Finally reached home after an hour. Saw another wake at my void deck. This one very brightly lit for some reason. Saw two red pieces of paper stuck on the walls next to the lift. This person had the fortune of passing away at home.

Came home, had dinner, bathed, opened my laptop and continued working. Dad came out and told me second granduncle from Tampines passed away. We'll be going to the wake tomorrow.

I am somehow reminded of the exodus. When the people of Israel finally left the wilderness and entered the promised land. I don't know why this scene enters my mind, for none of the grannies or grandpas are saved. But yet, this is what comes to mind. For some reason, I feel comforted.

Where should all the money go...

Where should all the money go...

if all we want to hear are songs nicely sung?

if all we want is just pure catharsis of our innermost desires?

if all we want is just a break from the monotony of life?

The entertainment industry is either overrated or one of the most ingenious businesses of human exploitation.

*****************Warning! Spoiler ahead*********************

A dream within a dream is not new. A dream within a dream within a dream raises heads. A dream within a dream within a dream on purpose is novel.

Inception was not a bad movie. Managed to steal my breath on numerous occasions. But I got disappointed at the end when the ending was just as I expected. Camera pans down and totem continues spinning.

In my honest opinion, that is the director's way of euphemizing the death of the male lead, and pretty much a straightforward conclusion for me. It is also the standard formula for keeping the option of a sequel open.

Inception 2 means Cobb didn't die, no Inception 2 means he stayed on in limbo. And that everyone's recognized solution of eliminating Mal wasn't the way out at all. All it did, in fact, was only to help Cobb to move on, in limbo, without her.

Too bad the movie didn't explain why people who go to sleep together will enter the same person's dream together.

I guess it wouldn't matter if stories turned out the way I expected. Disney movies do that, rom coms do that, too. But I love them all the same. I give myself two reasons.

First is the most common reason of expectations pushed too high by hearsay all over. Second is the fact that the one and only incident of disappointment came at the last few concluding seconds of the movie, thereby ending it on a low note.
Bummer.

I do remember another movie I was disappointed with, though. The Dark Knight. I know I blogged that Heath Ledger was awesome as joker. But really, I prefer the cartoon version. Heath Ledger definitely has his merits. That he died shortly after the movie no doubt aided in its publicity, and I do not want to mean any disrespect.

But anyone who has watched the Batman cartoon playing on Kids Central on Saturday mornings of that time would know what I mean; the graphics are nicer, effects are more awesome, batman car more stylish, and joker, just breathtaking.

Joker in The Dark Knight was psychotic, yes. But his portrayal came out.. too human. Joker in the cartoon was psychotic, but with an unexplained element of mystery.

Dark Knight Joker was just angry, violent and... adventurous with fashion. I mean, his whole outfit was just to hide his scars and make him stand out among others. There was no feeling of eerieness or fear from looking at him. You could even prep yourself up to fight him.

Cartoon Joker on the other hand, was calm, exceedingly intelligent, and played an excellent game of cat and mouse with Batman. His getup sends the shivers down your spine, and you just know you're in for it without seeing his face. Such was the presence of cartoon Joker.

Funny how a kids' channel can play out something darker than the movies huh.

Repeat title.

Stunned

Me: My brother was more handsome than I was pretty la.

Friend: Whoa! Then your brother must be very very handsome.

Me: Har??

Thanks babe! That was about the biggest compliment I've had in recent times :D

Happiness is awesome food for an empty stomach late at night

Woohoo! Went out for supper with a bunch of the YEPpies last night on an empty stomach. Same old people, same old nuances, silly antics, funny stories, incredible food. Yumz yumz. Partially amplified by my empty tummy but food was good anywayz hehe!

Reached home like 2 in the morning and only slept at around 3.30 am. AND THEN! Woke up at 7.10 without an alarm (I have no idea how I did it, and I am quite sure it was supernatural) to dress up and head to work, in time not to be the last intern to reach.

And I'm not dozing off yet. Whee!

Have you put God at the back of your mind yet?

This is a semi-controversial topic I've been putting off. It's purely my own thinking, and no church is involved in this.

I have God at the back of my mind. Not at the top of it. I am not constantly thinking of Bible verses, or any of the ten commandments. I do not repeatedly remind myself what I should do that my actions will be considered the Christian way, or look at others to see if God is pleased with them. Certainly, I do not look to God for every small thing in my life.

Why? Because I know He is there. I do not have to look for Him to know He is there, or pray for blessings to know that I will be blessed. I do not give in the hope that I might receive, because I know that I will receive no matter what.

God is always at the back of my mind. No matter what, He is always there.

He is my backer and assurance. The source of my confidence, and the knowledge that grace will lead me to do what is right.

I have never forgotten Him in my daily life. His awesomeness, loveliness and everything goodness are always.. at the back of my mind. And I intend to keep them there.

Let me explain. I did try to put God at the top of my mind. I ever tried repeating verses over and over in my head. And I found myself weary. I found that living a life this way was to put myself in the centre and God at the side. I was banking on myself and my own efforts to lead a Christian life and *gulp "follow the rules".

Some people make a show of their faith by praying before meals or tithing a fixed portion of their salaries. I have absolutely nothing against these. But are these people just following empty protocol?

I don't pray before meals, but I am thankful for the food, the place and the cooks throughout. I am happy everytime I eat and these thoughts don't disappear when I start or join in a conversation.

Neither do I tithe a standard amount. When it's time for offerings, I look into my wallet and give however much I want. There is no measurement for the amount and it certainly does not mean that I am any less grateful on the days I give lesser, and vice versa.

Some people might think that such thinking of mine will encourage arrogance, deceit and all other vices of Man.

I feel that when you truly understand what it means to have God as your backer, you will naturally act in blessed ways. At that time, you would also have removed the focus on yourself and placed God in the centre of your life.

Marketing 101

599 is a long TIBS bus, and sometimes with no seats by the time it reaches my stop. It charges a flat $3.80 rate, which is typically twice the amount needed to get to the CBD. The time you need to leave the house is still the same, and travelling time is almost an hour. Whyyyy will people still want to take that bus?

Because the trains are simply too crowded. And SMRT has shown its incapability time and again to solve the problem. AND they still want us to take public transport more.

But they are quite smart to spot this gap in demand and supply, and could devise a route that would not compete head-on with existing private transport offerings while still earning money.

Marketing 101.

Lessons from my mother

Mum's case this time round has taught me more than what she could ever impart in her normal course of parenting.

It's not about blind conformity, or mindlessly becoming the better person dictated by society. It's about what you want to achieve by being who you are.

I know very clearly what was my aim when I went about the deliberate personality then character change nearly three years ago, and I am glad I chose that path.

Interestingly, I see a lot of my old self in people around me, guys especially. And a lot of times I can't help but think to myself "How petty men can be. How petty I was!"

I do wonder what our generation will grow up to be like. Maybe after all, pettiness and magnanimity are void of gender, but society so decides the inherent masculinity or femininity of these personality traits. Maybe after all, some people have already seen my last sentence as the truth instead of a mere proposition.

请让我说出来吧

最终还是决定把我的心声讲出来。

我最近觉得非常的脆弱。心里留着一种莫名的悲感。我很希望有一双健壮的手紧紧地把我拥抱着，不放手。或许，我一直就存着这种愿望吧。

我依然觉得爱情应该是快快乐乐的。甜滋滋的感觉令人兴奋回味。

不停地责怪，哪算是爱。

我总觉得我像在还一个永远还不清的债。不停地付出，不停地解释。只不过想看到他一丝的微笑。

我无法自拔的栽下去，所以不可理喻地让自己盲目; 太多时候我选择沉默，更多时候我故意忽视。

后期，我的气球终于爆炸了。弄得完全不可收拾。

我讨厌他。非常讨厌他。为什么让我那么痛苦？为什么就不肯让步？一定要不停地逼问，不断地责怪，他才会安心吗？怎么一定要把我定出一个罪来，他才会满足吗？我明明就是无辜的！

他弄得连我们一滴快乐的时光我也完全回想不起。只是，一想到他的脸，甚至只是那个名字，我就会感受到一波接一波的愤怒、烦恼、无奈。


算了。反正从一开始我们的朋友都没有为我们开心。不是叫我想清楚就是无动于衷。也只能这样，对吧？算了。

我一定会活得比你更开心的！！！