from dust to dust..

Today was the last day of the funeral. Lao ma was to be cremated at Mandai. Until today, I did not dare look at her body. But when 大姨姨 pulled me to the coffin and told me “去看lao ma 最后一面”, I just went along.

Standing next to her, looking down at her peaceful face, I just started crying. 大姨姨 stood behind us and said to lao ma in teochew “阿丽霞立豪来看你了。他们两个长大了。阿丽霞读大学了，立豪读高中了。阿嘛，你不用担心他们。你可以放心走。”

And a whole bunch of her great-grandchildren, 大姨姨 and 小姨姨 just stood around the coffin. The younger ones just stood there cos everyone else was. The older ones stood there, and mourned the loss of a very dearly loved one.

Lao gu could not even watch the coffin being covered. After looking at his mother for a good while, he went to the playground nearby and just squatted there crying. A grown man with grandchildren well into secondary school, crying so hard for the loss of his aged mother..

Lao ma has lost a lot of weight. Her thin frame lying in the coffin is a testimony of how age had taken its toll on her during this last few years. She could no longer count, she couldn't walk, and she didn't recognise people.

But everyone of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren never abandoned her. During Chinese New Year, when they visit, they'll walk right up to her and speak loudly in her ear, "Ah ma, xiao mei lai liao." or "Ah ma, wo si ah liang, wo lai toi li." And she'll give a little smile or an acknowledging nod, maybe reply a phrase or two.

Throughout the service at the crematorium, there were controlled sobs, sniffles and gasps. But when the service ended, and we proceeded to place a chrysanthemum and the pieces of cloths that we pinned on our right sleeve, 小姨姨 and 四姨姨 broke down again, and stood at the coffin, refusing to give up that one last look.

Then 大姨姨 broke down too, and the whole family gathered around lao ma, hanging on that one last look for as long as possible.

When the coffin was moved out of the service hall, we were brought to the viewing hall. Where lao ma's coffin was wheeled across the room below to be cremated. When the coffin went by, the full realization of losing my great grandmother hit me full blast. That I could no longer see her again, that her physical form would be reduced to dust.

That she will no longer sit around in the living room. That I will no longer be able to call lao ma for her to hear. That she has truly left us to be with God for good.

It was the worst experience ever in the viewing gallery. 四姨姨 was calling "ah ma!" repeatedly after her. "Ah ma! Kia hor!" 大姨姨 shouted to her that we all loved her forever. 三姨姨 lost control as the coffin was about to enter the next chamber, and shouted "ah ma!" after her. My mother was managing her sobs and just kept telling lao ma "ah ma, 珍重! ah ma, 珍重!"

I couldn't even speak. The tears kept flowing, the gasps unmanageable, the watery mucus uncontrollable.. Lao ma was really leaving us for good..

When we were ushered out of the viewing gallery to the waiting area, 四姨姨 and 小姨姨 and lao gu held on to lao ma's portrait and kept crying.

Later on, my mother made a statement I could only agree with. "Which grandmother has all her grandchildren loving her so much?"

Lao ma, (in teochew) 阿丽霞的潮州不好。不会什么讲。。今天你走了，但是我们一直会想你。你每次叫丽霞要好好读书，我会听你的。我会读书读好好。我也会看住立豪，好好教他做一个有出息的人。lao ma 以前很疼立豪，现在立豪长大了一定会做好人来的。。Lao ma 你真的安心去吧。从上面看着我们，等有一天我们一定上去陪你团聚。到那时候，阿丽霞一直都在想你。。